The Color Orange ~ Chapter 2

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 922
Reviews 49
I struggled in wild, chaotic fear. “No, no, it’s fine- Nixxi won’t hurt you.”

I didn’t listen. It was huge; it wanted to eat me. My heart fluttering like a injured bird, I spazzed, trying to free myself of his grip on my shoulders.

“Ssush, human! You are fine.” Said some foreign voice in my own mind.

“Who are you? Get out of my head!” I screamed.

“I can’t understand you. Think in words, not numbers.”

“What the hell?” I demanded, using one of the many curse words learned from my father.

“Better, but I got only one word: what. Speak in words. I see your thoughts coming in numbers.”

I didn’t shake anymore, since I was paralyzed with fear. “We’ll have to ride the dragon.” Said my companion. “Quickly,
Quickly!”

He climbed up and threw himself onto the dragon and held out a hand.

Once again, the same though entered my mind: Do I dare? Do I?

I do dare.

He hoisted me onto the dragon’s- Nixxie’s- back, just in time as she took off.

“Well, this is not what we planned.” Admitted Nixxie.

“No. Not at all.” He replied as we were pushed forwards by the wind.

This was quite strange. My mouth opened as if I was screaming, yet, of course, I didn’t. I shook my head repeatedly, thinking only one thought:

“Get me down, get me down, get me down, get me down!”

“Fine, jeesh!” Replied Nixxie, a tad offended, as she floated downward. We reached the ground in some sort of park, or reserve, or something. It hadn’t seemed as if we had flown that long, yet even I could tell we were far from my house.

And, of course, it started to rain.

So there I huddled, in the dirt, shivering in the rain.

“Do you want to keep going? Nixxie can shelter us.”

I shook my head, hugging my knees for the second time today.

“Do you want to find a hotel and rest there?”

Again, I shook my head, hoping my tears would be thought as rain.

“Do you want to go home?”

I shook my head even more violently this time, brown, shoulder-length hair flying around me. I sat on the ground, the pine needles poking my thighs.

“I can say something to him, if you want.” Acknowledged the dragon.

I nodded. “Tell him I just want this to be over. I just want this dream to end, since it is no doubt a dream. Tell him that I just want to wake up. I want to wake up from everything- the beating, the pain. I just want to be in a nice home for once, that doesn’t shun me for being different.”

The dragon nodded, conveying my wishes.

He sighed.“No home is perfect, Pascale. But there are better homes than yours. We’re going to bring you home, I promise.”

“And ask him what he is, and what his name is.”

He chuckled when Nixxie relayed my words. “I forgot that, didn’t I? Well, I don’t want to freak you out or anything- but I bet you’d expect nothing else than the unimaginable.” He looked at me, as if I were about to get up and run. “I’m an Elf. My name is Vhane.”

My heart skipped a beat. An Elf! A real, live Elf! I only had heard of their strength and finesse in legends. They weren’t
supposed to exist! Neither were dragons, or even monsters like my father.

I nodded silently and, without another word, curled up in a ball on the floor, trying to process the day’s events. Nixxie waddled next to me and flopped on her side, using her wing to spread over me and keep me from the rain. The last thing

I remember as I drifted off to sleep was snuggling up on Nixxie’s belly sub-consciously, and Vhane coming under her wing as well.

“Good night, Pascale.”

But I was already asleep.
Last edited by MilkNCookies on Sun May 15, 2011 9:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7377
Reviews 99
Ahh! Chapter two! Exciting XD

Alright, well, not a lot seemed to happen here, which is okay, because it's a transition chapter, but after I read it I did feel a tad underwhelmed...

Also, I didn't understand the "speaking in numbers" thing... I suppose that'll be explained later...

Nitpicks:

And Elf! I real, live Elf!


"An Elf! A real, live Elf!" is what you meant, I believe.

"Well, this is not how we planed." Admitted Nixxie.


I don't know if you meant "This is not what we planned," or "This is not how we planned it" but the way you have it worded doesn't sound quite right. And, I think it's "planned" not "planed."

I don't know if I mentioned this in my last review, but what you've witten has me really curious and eager for more XD So... good job!

--
Tabby




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28282
Reviews 884
And, of course, it started to rain.

So there I huddled, in the dirt, shivering in the rain. Rain's used twice, and it makes it repetitive.


Okay, so my general impression is just that this lacked length and detail. In fantasy this is important, because not only are you introducing us to plot and character, but really to an entire world that you've envisioned. So give us detail - no info-dumping but detail.
And keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Hello again!

"Better, but I got only one word: what. Speak in words. I see your thoughts coming in numbers.”


Uh, why? Why does Pascale think in numbers? Is this important? It seems like it should be. But we don't get anything else about that. Doesn't Pascale herself wonder? I mean, she's obviously thinking words in her own head, so why wouldn't they translate over? This intrigues me and is not mentioned again. Why?

This was quite strange. My mouth opened as if I was screaming, yet, of course, I didn’t. I shook my head repeatedly, thinking only one thought:

"This was quite strange" is like the understatement of the year. I mean, people don't just attempt scream their lungs out at something "quite strange". What is it like? Is it scary? Why? Is it too fast? Just too much all at once? Why is she screaming? Give us a little more to go on, because just "quite strange" is how one would describe the taste of a ketchup and marshmallow sandwich, not the experience of riding on a dragon. Unless Pascale is trying to downplay it, in which case, she wouldn't be screaming.

“And ask him what he is, and what his name is.”

Seems like she should have been asking this earlier, like maybe when she was being introduced to the dragon and such. Perfect time for introductions.

All in all, this went by really quickly. Slow down a bit. Let us get to know the characters. Everyone meets, and then suddenly they are all acting so chummy with one another. Then they are introducing themselves. It feels out of order. I mean, shouldn't she be trying to get to know who these folks are before she goes gallivanting about with them?

Again, slow down a little. Let us get to know these characters a bit more. Show them interacting more than just "hello, my name is ___ and I am a ____."Why are they interested in her? Just because she was in a troubled family? Is she special in some way? Where are they from? How do Nixxie and Vhane know each other? Help us find the people in the characters.

On to the next chapter?

Feel free to drop me a line via my wall or PM if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable