The Color Orange~ Chapter 1

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“Are you ever listening, Pascale?!” Cried my father as he paced. I nodded solemnly, hugging my legs. “Why are you so… so mutated? Such a freak?!” He cried. “ANSWER ME!”

I tried to scream, but it got caught up in my throat. With a cry, he slapped me across my face.

I whimpered so quietly I couldn't even hear myself. The blows kept hitting, until they became with other objects. He even got a bread knife and slashed my back.Another scar to match all of the others.

I cried as my back burned. Every touch-every small whirl of wind- sent another inferno of pain spiraling. I wanted to go run, go tell someone, get vengeance. But I couldn’t- he had me trapped against a corner. Again- not that I could run anyways, being delirious with pain.

Something grumbled ferociously. He glanced up at the ceiling, and I took that one short chance to use the thunder to my advantage- as I always do. I sprinted into my room, slamming and locking the door.

Before my brother left, he had created an unbreakable door with a lock that was completely, undeniably impossible to pick. The only spot where it was open to the door was the peep hole. It was my only safe haven. The only freedom from my father’s fists.

“PASCALE!” My father roared, slamming his fists against the door. I looked at my poor, poor reflection in the mirror. My face was basically a light purple all over, mixed with fresh red-blood and stinging skin- and any tan of my normal skin hiding behind a bruise. My back was bloody; I could only tell from the steady drip upon the floor. My eyes were both puffy, my left one more than the right; the light, pale green pleading for it to end, for a break from this torture. But I faced it: I had to eat. I had to drink. I had to go to the bathroom some time or another.

My lips were trembling, my entire body like jelly. I collapsed onto my bed in relief, which was a very, very wrong move. My back, open to the world, stung where the fabric hit it; but I didn’t even care anymore. It was tens of times better then being stung from my father’s various knives.

A very, very faint knock. I glanced out my peep hole, but no one was there, so it couldn't be my father. Unless he was trying to trick me... well, he isn't that competent.

The knock was louder this time.

“Who are you?” My father’s faint voice asked. Someone was at the door.

“I need….now.” The stranger said. I had a small view of him, but even from that I could tell he had something… different about him. Extraterrestrial, maybe.

“Who are you?! You’ll never take Pascale! She’s happy here!”

No. No, I’m not.

“Where is she?” The creature, who was definitely male, growled.

“You’ll never take my Pascale! I love her, and she loves me!”

“No, she doesn’t!” The creature replied. “The sky knows what its saying! And the clouds are giving me signs that a girl names Pascale is in desperate need of help!” My breath stopped. Great, I was between some insane stranger and my abusive parent.

“They sky?! You've escaped from an assylum!”

"It told me Pascale was in trouble."

"Even if a Pascale is in trouble, how do you know she is here? There could be other people with that name!"

“Really?” The stranger replied, as if he were dumb. “Oh, well, maybe I was mistaken. And maybe the world database was, too.”

“You hacked it, just to find my Pascale?”

“I don’t ignore the sky!”

“That’s a federal offense! I can have you arrested for life!”

“I don’t give a damn!” The creature roared. Silence. “Just show me the girl.”

My trembling fingers touched the lock. Did I dare? Would I be any better off with this beast than I would be with my father?

Seems I didn’t have a choice to make the decision as I saw the thing come striding down the hall. It saw me looking from the peep-hole, though just my green eye.

“Is this her?”

Yes, yes!

“No.” Said my father.

I took the risk and looked out the peep hole.

“I don’t believe you.” Said the creature. He began to stroke the door, like he was planning to punch it down.

With a growl of sorts, my father threw himself onto the creature. In one swift movement, his back was on the ground, the stranger standing with a foot on his chest. “I wouldn’t try that if I were you.” He turned to the door and saw my eye. “Pascale, move away from the door. I’m going to kick it down.”

I obeyed and, after that display, I didn't doubt he could knock it down.

I was correct, as the metal door feel right from the hinge. “Gods, what did they do to you?!” The creature cried as he saw me. He was very abnormal; his face was rather angular, his chin sort of in a ‘v’ shape, but not quite. His small, stubble beard made him see a tad off, not matching his olive skin. Two orange eyes penetrated right through me, as if it were searching my soul. There... there was something just not right about him.“Well? Speak, Pascale, my dear.”

I wanted to, but I couldn’t. The words just got caught in my throat. Instead, I rushed to my desk and pulled out a drawer hastily. I grabbed some pen and a ripped scrap of paper.

I can’

My writing began before the pen abruptly stopped writing. Silently cursing it, I threw it to the ground, making a small dent in the wood. Grabbing another one, I finished my note and shoved it in his hand.

I can’t. I’m mute.

“Mute?” He asked, looking at me curiously. I nodded, and took my note back and put it up against a wall.

I can’t. I’m mute. Can you fix cuts?

I gave it back to him.

“Yes, I suppose… why?”

I slowly tuned and showed him my back, raging with pain wherever and whenever anything touched it. He practically turned red with rage, and, in one step, strode out of the room and kicked my father- who was still on the floor. He sprawled another foot or two.

“How dare you?! Just because this poor girl is mute?! Is that all?!” He cried, kicking him repeatedly. I shook my head wildly, tugging on the beast’s shoulder. It was then that I noticed his abnormal, pointed ears.

Pointed ears? What the hell is going on?! This stranger who is definitely not human is fighting for me?

He turned to me, than backed away from my father, staring right into his surprised, shocked eyes. “And she still cares about you. How pathetic.” He turned to me once again. “I give you the option; go with me back to my land, or stay here.
Please, my dear, would you come?"

I could be free of my father? But… it would involve going with a complete stranger. Still… he seemed not to want to harm me, and he said he could heal me.

I thought about staying. I was.. okay-ish here whenever my father wasn't near me. I wouldn't have to adjust to another life. But, still, he could be better...

Hesitantly, I nodded. With a smug smile, he turned to my father. “We’ll be leaving now.”

“Wait! You can just leave me like this! Call police, Pascale! Do something!”

“Like you didn’t leave her like this all the time.” He spat before walking outside.

It was around midnight in the state in Washington, where my home was; midnight, the cold, depressing midnight.

Something significant happened at midnight. I just knew it! But what, what was it?

I gasped at things filled my mind. Letters, numbers, pictures, colors all filled my minds. Mostly orange colors, the same
color as the creature’s eyes. I fell, limp, as a memory came to me.

It was a cold, rainy night. I was staring out my window, out into the distance, right after another of my father’s beatings. Something was there, just above the horizon. Every so often, the sky would flash, than die down. At first I thought it was heat lightning, but it couldn’t be; it was just too different. Then, there were sparks; and the rain jolted to a stop. And there, suddenly, was someone on my road. Some sort of creature with alarming orange eyes. And they were staring at me as the creature vanished again.

“Pascale!” Cried the creature as I recovered from being completely limp. It seemed very concerned. “Are you alright?”

I nodded, very feebly. As something shown in the distance. It looked almost like… arrows?

“Nixxi! Get down here, now!” Shrieked my protector.

"But, the human-” Began an unnamed source.

“NOW!” I jolted, shocked by his sudden act of rage. Something huge, something orange fell in front of us.

I tried to scream, but, like when I talk, it got all caught in my throat. In front of me was a huge, winged, ferocious...

Dragon.
Last edited by MilkNCookies on Sat May 14, 2011 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Hello MNC!

So, I'm here to review and all XD

Something I really liked about this was how you started off with;

I tried to scream, but it got caught up in my throat.


Which makes the reader go "Okay, okay, it got caught in her throat, I can imagine that, not too weird." And you also have her dad say;

“Why are you so… so mutated? Such a freak?!”


Which makes the reader go, "Hm, I wonder what's so weird about her...?" Then towards the end we find out she's mute, and it all comes together!

However...

I'm not sure about how you combined Pascale's world with this weird fantasy world type thing... I mean, I get that it's important to the story (probably) but, I mean, I don't know, this girl who's a mute, locked up with her abusive father and all, I would expect her to act a tad more freaked out when she sees that the stranger that burst into her house has pointy ears.

It was around midnight in the state in Washington, where my home was; midnight, the cold, depressing midnight.


Okay, so, where is she at this point? Is she walking down the sidewalk behind the elf dude?

That's all I have time for, hope it helped XD

--

Tabby




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Okay, so I'm really not a sci-fi/fantasy kind of person, but this is pretty cool. I think you have an interesting character, as her flaws are just kind of intriguing. My one suggestion would be to add just a little more emotionally - because we see it physically, but since it's first-person it seems we'd hear more of her opinion. This is especially important because she's a mute.
I'm curious to see where this goes. Just message me if you want another review on the upcoming chapters.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Hello there! :D

First, I'd like to say that this review will be very lengthy (but not really constructive at all >.<). And it's because of the huge amount of nitpicks. >.< Sorry 'bout that. I know, it's tiring to read this whole review and edit again...

Nitpicks:

“Are you ever listening, Pascale?!” Cried my father as he paced.

- The 'C' in 'Cried' should be in small caps.

“Why are you so… so mutated? Such a freak?!” He cried. “ANSWER ME!”

- The 'H' in 'He' shouldn't be capitalized.
- Anyway, why is Pascale such a 'freak'? I think you forgot to clarify about that as the chapter went on. If you didn't forget, then I suppose you're gonna do it in the next chapter?

The blows kept hitting, until they became with other objects.

- The 'until they became with other objects' seems to be wrongly worded.

He even got a bread knife and slashed my back.Another scar to match all of the others.

- Oh, geez. That's really brutal. >.<
- Anyway, you forgot to put a space after 'back.'.

Every touch-every small whirl of wind- sent another inferno of pain spiraling.

- I think it's cleaner if you put a space before and after the hyphens.
- Anyway, that was some pretty decent imagery. :)

...and I took that one short chance to use the thunder to my advantage- as I always do.

- Like I said earlier, I think it's cleaner when there's space before a hyphen. I'm not gonna talk about this again. Sorry. :)
- Also, there's a tense change in 'as I always do'. I'm not sure if it's fine to switch to present tense there.

...that was completely, undeniably impossible to pick.

- 'pick'? Maybe, it's just me, but I don't think 'pick' is the correct word there.

It was my only safe haven. The only freedom from my father’s fists.

- I know you've already used a lot of hyphens but I think there should be one after 'haven' instead of a period.

“PASCALE!” My father roared...

- Formally, you should just italicize 'Pascale!' instead of capitalizing the letters.

I looked at my poor, poor reflection in the mirror.

- The coming in of the mirror in the story is all right. But I think (please don't mind all of my 'I think's' xD, I say them a lot in reviews) it'll help if you told or showed us where the mirror was.

mixed with fresh red-blood

- I don't think there 'red' and 'blood' should be hyphenated. Just put a comma after 'fresh'.

...and any tan of my normal skin hiding behind a bruise.

- This seemed grammatically incorrect. Read the whole sentence. Maybe, changing 'hiding' to 'hide' would fix it a bit, but I don't think that's enough.

the light, pale green pleading for it to end,

- This seemed wrongly written, o.o the 'light, pale green pleading' specifically.

A very, very faint knock. I glanced out my peep hole, but no one was there, so it couldn't be my father. Unless he was trying to trick me... well, he isn't that competent.

The knock was louder this time.

“Who are you?” My father’s faint voice asked. Someone was at the door.

- Sorry that I had to quote this big but I think you should clarify it more when Pascale realized that it wasn't his door that was being knocked on.

“I need….now.”

- I think the period after the ellipsis is wrong. o.o

“The sky knows what its saying!"

- Correction: 'it's'

Great, I was between some insane stranger and my abusive parent.

- I'm not that sure bit I think you should put 'in' before 'between'.

“They sky?!"

- Correction: 'The'

"Even if a Pascale is in trouble, (...)"

- Typo: 'a'

“I don’t believe you.” Said the creature.

- It should be a comma instead of a period after 'you'. And the 'S' in 'Said' shouldn't be capitalized.

“Pascale, move away from the door. I’m going to kick it down.”

- Uh, this was a nice part but couldn't the stranger just ask Pascale to open his door? o.O You can show more of the stranger's strength in another way.

“Gods, what did they do to you?!” The creature cried as he saw me.

- The 'T' in 'The' shouldn't be capitalized.

there was something just not right about him.“Well? (...)"

- You forgot to put a space after 'him.'.

“Mute?” He asked,

- The 'H' in 'He' shouldn't be capitalized.

He turned to me, than backed away from my father,

- Correction: 'then'
- Anyway, how did the creature back away from Pascale's father when he's facing Pascale?

“I give you the option; go with me back to my land, or stay here.
Please, my dear, would you come?"

- I think you accidentally pressed enter before '"Please, my dear, would you come?"'

“Like you didn’t leave her like this all the time.” He spat before walking outside.

- The period after 'time' should be a comma. And the 'H' in 'He' shouldn't be capitalized.

I gasped at things filled my mind.

- This seemed wrong.

Letters, numbers, pictures, colors all filled my minds.

- I think there should be a dash after 'colors'.

Mostly orange colors, the same
color as the creature’s eyes. I fell, limp, as a memory came to me.

- It seems like you accidentally pressed enter after 'same'.

“Pascale!” Cried the creature (...)

- The 'C' in 'Cried' shouldn't be capitalized.

As something shown in the distance.

- This is incomplete. Rewrite, please. :)

“Nixxi! Get down here, now!” Shrieked my protector.

- The 'S' in 'Shrieked' shouldn't be capitalized.

"But, the human-” Began an unnamed source.

- The 'B' in 'Began' shouldn't be capitalized.

- - - - - - -

Whew! I know you got tired reading this review too. (That's if you actually read all of them xD) But I can't just leave them out, especially the nitpicks where I talked about the periods and the capitalization 'cause I don't want you to miss a thing. My point is, when you write dialogue, you should end it with a period unless you're using exclamation points or question marks. Then, regardless of which punctuation mark you used at the end of the dialogue, you should not capitalized the first letter that follows. I had no other problems except that and those I nitpicked. :)

The story is really interesting to read. :smt023 Not one part of the chapter really bored me. :) The imagery, the emotion, and the characterization are really well done. :smt023 The only thing that's missing for me is their complete faces. (xD) I mean, you described about the shapes of the faces, the eyes, but I still didn't get a complete picture of them in my mind. Maybe, it's just me but who knows? xD

Never stop writing! :D Sorry for the really long and late review. :|
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hello hi!

First off, really quick, I wanted to say that I loved the synopsis on your novel page. It was what made me want to read the story in the first place. Snarky and intriguing and just made of win. Very nice.

A'ight, actual story time!

This was interesting. The situation intrigues me. I was a bit confused through some of the non-reaction in it though. I mean, how does she know that the stranger is actually not human? He seems to be described fairly human-like aside from the pointed ears. And there are actually people in real life with slightly pointed ears. I mean, what sets him apart as being possibly extra-terrestrial? It's like she just... knows. What makes her think that?

Also, the door. Who was Pascale's brother? Why did he make an unbreakable door with an unpickable lock? Seems like an odd thing to build. Why doesn't she stay in that room where she is safe all the time? There's no window for her to climb out of and escape? Where did her brother go? Why didn't he take her with him? So many questions.

So, I did like this, but it left me with a lot of important questions. There's a lot that isn't explained that kind of needs to be. I mean, why is she going along with this complete stranger? Sure, her dad is really bad, but she doesn't know that this other guy isn't going to hurt her either. Why does she trust him? Why is he so interested in her in the first place? Why doesn't she seem to really care that he is an extraterrestrial, or at least not human?

Explore your character's mind a little more. Give us a little more backstory, a little more of the world. What time period is this set in? The future? You mention a world database. What kind of database? How did the not-human guy find the right Pascale in it? I mean, there are plenty of folks out there with the same first and last names, maybe even middle names. What makes him so sure that he has the right Pascale? How detailed is the world database? Who runs it? Not all of these questions need to be answered, but we need to have it a bit more explained so folks won't ask all these questions. Instead, they will nod and get the gist of it and keep going with the story.

Interesting premise though. I'm onto the next bit. Drop me a line by PM or on my wall if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
— Paul Brandt