Confessions of a neglected child

Wrote this exactly 2 years ago to the day! Wow what a coinkydink! According to my time, I wrote/finished this at 2:47am ([i]what's with me and late night writings?!?)[/i]

I made you a picture today it’s of us spend quality time
Oh sorry I didn’t know you had to make deadline
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
I’m having a problem with a bully she won’t leave me alone
OK I’ll come back later; I can see you’re on the phone
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
I’d like you at my recital it’s only an hour then you can go
Oh I completely understand if you can’t show
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
In Middle school my ‘friends’ are leaving me out
You’re not listening to me that’s not what I’m talking about
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
I’m in the dark here; please tell me what to do
Is that all your going to tell me is to make-do
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
I met some new friends they do cool things like drink and do drugs
Sorry, I’ll take them off; I didn’t realize I had my shoes on the rug
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
I smoked some weed today it gave me a good feeling
Are you listening to me I’ve even started stealing
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
You say you want to talk you care for me deeply
It’s too late to talk you’ve already lost me
I’M PUSHING YOU AWAY
You keep calling my name but I just ignore
I don’t have time for this and I walk out the door
I’M PUSHING YOU AWAY
Mommy and Daddy say I’ve become a nightmare
I’m living how I want to live without a care
I’M PUSHING YOU AWAY
I’m 16 now and officially out that ‘home’
I’m on the streets where at night I roam
I’M GONE
I ran is to a nice man, who said he could help me make some money
Believe it or not mom and dad my new name is Honey
I’M GONE
Sometimes he gets angry when I don’t do right
It’s happened enough for me to know now to not put up a fight
I’M GONE
See you missed out from all those times I begged for your attention
And telling me you loved me you seemed to always forget to mention
I’M GONE
Now you’re walking away from a tragedy wishing to turn back time
Feeling guilty cause you’re the cause of this crime
I’M GONE
See in life there are no second shots
You didn’t do right by me and this is what you got
Cause…
I’m dead

Hey,

This is amazingly deep. I usually loathe when people go from normal to bold writing but it created an obvious subtleness which I loved.

My critic though is your punctuation. There is very little, unless I am blind. so I'd go through it and add more unless I am blind!

Keep it up this was fantastic!

PM me for anything!

~Retro Disco666

Wow. This is amazing. I love how you wrote it with the whole, "Your pushing me away, I'm pushing you away, I'm gone, I'm dead" thing. I don't know. I just really liked it. I don't think there is anything you could have done to make it better because it's at it's best. So, keep doin' ya thang. Great job.

I loved it, what made it all the more heart breaking, was the fact that I was listening to a song that fit this poem. I really do love it, keep going.

I like how deep this was. It caught my attention but did not seem overly flamboiyant. keep posting, but work on your punctuation. I like poetry but i am sadly the type of person who just cant write it. you did very well. i'd like to hear your new posts so keep it up

I swear my heart is beating crazy. You brought back vivid memories. [ not the same end , but the same idea ]
It is deep , very deep. You turned a somewhat general story nowadays [ sadly.. ] into something very emotional that really captivates the reader. You got me on the edge of my seat. And to write something like this at 16 [ if that was your age ], is just too briliant to comprehend.
I just love how the repetition gradually pushes the emotion up and the end is just mind-blowing. I love it!
*bows*

Hey Mel! Here as you requested!

Right off the bat, I'll tell you that this poem started off very well. This is the second poem today I've reviewed with a decent rhyme scheme... which quite honestly surprised me. So, without two paragraphs worth of rhyme-scheme lecture, this review might be a bit more empty than some of my other ones. xD

However, I did have some nit-picks and things to point out.

Number one, being all of the capital letters and bolded text. You don't really need this to have impact on your reader.

melcally wrote:I made you a picture today it’s of us spend quality time
Oh sorry I didn’t know you had to make deadline
YOU’RE PUSHING ME AWAY
I’m having a problem with a bully she won’t leave me alone
OK I’ll come back later; I can see you’re on the phone

The bit that you have between those two stanzas is what I'm talking about. The capitalization and caps really aren't necessary. It bothered me, but it's very easy to fix. I would have done something like this:

I made you a picture today it’s of us spend quality time
Oh sorry I didn’t know you had to make deadline

You're pushing me away

I’m having a problem with a bully she won’t leave me alone
OK I’ll come back later; I can see you’re on the phone

Anyways, now that I've gotten that out of the way.... The punctuation was something else that bothered me a little. Or, the lack of there-of, rather. There was none. Poetry may be poetry, but most of it requires punctuation anyways.

A couple examples:

melcally wrote:I made you a picture today, it’s of us spend quality time.
Oh sorry I didn’t know you had to make deadline.

The bits in red are where you needed punctuation-- or where you could use it, anyways. Another one would be:

melcally wrote:I smoked some weed today, it gave me a good feeling.
Are you listening to me? I’ve even started stealing.

And so on and so forth.

But, now that both of my little nit-picky things are out of the way, I'll move onto the poem as a whole.

Personally, I liked it. The stanzas near the end sort of stopped flowing well for me, which was probably due to word choice. Other than that, I thought that the poem flowed well and rhymed well, and the emotion was provoking. The idea in general is overused in some cases, but by the end you had thrown your own twist on it, which was good.

I'm running out of things to say here, so I'll finish by saying that this poem was decent and that I quite enjoyed it.

Thanks for the read and keep writing.

~~Cass

I loved it!!! That was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes and made my heart beat a million miles a minute. Your poem left a beautiful message. When it comes to poetry, I think that punctuating is overrated. No offense to anybody who thinks the different, but that is just my personal opinion.

Wow, that was an interesting story. I hope you aren't treated like that. :O That would eb horrible that people actually would go though that. Also I really liked the word choice, also there was a few commas,peroids, and question marks left out here and there. I really like how to bolded and repeated the words that you put, it was very good. So sad too also write another one! It is awesome! Keep writing emotionally!