Bruised and Bloodied, We Wipe the Tears Away

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it.
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it.
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around.

This isn't the first time,
and I fear it won't be the last,
that you've shown your true self
and taken off the mask.
This isn't a good time,
and I fear it never will be,
to fuck with someone unstable
- to fuck with someone like me.
A car without a driver,
is a life without a purpose.
You shot my chauffeur in the head,
and brought these feelings to the surface.

Drying out this lake
and burning down our tree
- killing lives so pure
must be your expertise.
Now I'm drowning in the dust
and falling through a red sky.
My lungs, too filled with ash,
struggle to scream this last goodbye.
And you'll be my only love,
but I'll be just another hate.
This romantic tragedy we built
has reached it's expiration date.

Hello.

I liked the intensity of this poem. I think it's really difficult to write about really strong emotions so kudos to you for that.

Now, I think precisely because this was about such strong feelings, you used a lot of really cliche metaphors, lines and other descriptions to represent your hate, love and hurt. The 'chorus' of this for example (I don't know if I should refer to it as a chorus but sine it repeats throughout the poem, I hope you allow me to), was line after line of words I feel like I've heard from Blink 182, Plus 44 or some other Punk band. I'm not saying their lyrics are bad and that yours are consequently. I love those bands. It's just, I feel like I've heard all this before, you know?

I just think you can do much better and use more original words.

I gave you my trust
and you broke it.
I gave you my hopes
and you let me down.
I gave you my heart
and you choked it.

This chorus you have bothered me because even if they got your message across plainly, they're words overused in both poem and song.

Now this on the other hand sounds new and original and much more impressive:

A car without a driver,
is a life without a purpose.
You shot my chauffeur in the head,
and brought these feelings to the surface.

It's not as telling as your chorus. It doesn't lay out all the feelings of the persona. It gives the impression of them and even makes the reader think a little.

Drying out this lake
and burning down our tree
- killing lives so pure
must be your expertise.
Now I'm drowning in the dust
and falling through a red sky.
My lungs, too filled with ash,
struggle to scream this last goodbye.

My favorite stanza. It's intense. It's not cliche. It's not teenage-angst in an indigestible form.

I think your end was kind of funky, in a punk rock band kind of way again. I think you've got it in you to make more vivid imagery because it does show in your poetry. Anyway, I'd love to read more.

--Nixie

Thank you very much! I just edited it a whole lot - adding a lot more imagery. Thanks again!

Great imagery with this! I loved it! Maybe try captalizing each line

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it. Great simile here!!
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it. Loved this line
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around.

This isn't the first time,
and I fear it won't be the last,
that you've shown your true self
and taken off the mask.
This isn't a good time,
and I fear it never will be,
to fuck with someone unstable gasp! Language!
- to fuck with someone like me.
A car without a driver,
is a life without a purpose.
You shot my chauffeur in the head,
and brought these feelings to the surface.

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it.
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it.
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around. I like this stanza, but you're repeating it like a song chorus.

Drying out this lake
and burning down our tree
- killing lives so pure
must be your expertise.
Now I'm drowning in the dust
and falling through a red sky.
My lungs, too filled with ash,
struggle to scream this last goodbye.

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it.
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it.
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around.

And you'll be my only love,
but I'll be just another hate.
This romantic tragedy we bult
has reached it's expiration date.

Great imagery with this! I loved it! Maybe try captalizing each line

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it. Great simile here!!
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it. Loved this line
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around.

This isn't the first time,
and I fear it won't be the last,
that you've shown your true self
and taken off the mask.
This isn't a good time,
and I fear it never will be,
to fuck with someone unstable gasp! Language!
- to fuck with someone like me.
A car without a driver,
is a life without a purpose.
You shot my chauffeur in the head,
and brought these feelings to the surface.

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it.
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it.
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around. I like this stanza, but you're repeating it like a song chorus.

Drying out this lake
and burning down our tree
- killing lives so pure
must be your expertise.
Now I'm drowning in the dust
and falling through a red sky.
My lungs, too filled with ash,
struggle to scream this last goodbye.

I gave you my trust
and like shattered glass you broke it.
I whispered you my hopes
and like a young boy you let me down.
I handed you my heart
and with clenched fists you choked it.
Both of us wonder
why in the hell I'm still around.

And you'll be my only love,
but I'll be just another hate.
This romantic tragedy we bult
has reached it's expiration date.

Thank you! Yes, I repeated it because this is in fact a song I've written. haha

Hi Matt!

I enjoyed this poem because it is written in such an agressive yet sincere manner. I can very much feel the emotions in this piece, and you portray them in such a beautiful way. I can tell that you both love and hate this person- and that in itself is so very poetic.

Oh, and I would sugges that you change the rating to at least 16 , because they're very strict about the language ratings on here... maybe even 18 .

Another thing:

This romantic tragedy we bult #FF0000 ">Should be 'built'.

Also, I think either you should take out the repeated stanzas or move this to the lyrics section, because songs are different from poetry because they are sung and not read aloud. With singing, it's easier to get away with repeated stanzas because it's, well, sung. But in poetry, repeated stanzas is a bit tedious and a big frown for writers.

Hope I helped!

~BTM

Hey.. So I'll begin by saying that your poem was nice.. The emotions have been expressed very nicely and deeply.. This whole concept was also very nice.. the imagery was very well captured...

And you'll be my only love,
but I'll be just another hate.
This romantic tragedy we built
has reached it's expiration date.

This was my very favorite part of the poem... You' have ended it very nicely. Keep writing this way.. I'm still a fan f your poetry!!
Harshita...

Hello there. It's been quite long since I last read and reviewed a poem of yours.

Nitpicks:

and like shattered glass you broke it.

- I think you should put a comma after 'glass'

and like a young boy you let me down.

- Comma after 'boy'

and with clenched fists you choked it.

- Comma after 'fists'

to f*ck with someone unstable
- to f*ck with someone like me.

- O.o That was suddenly vulgar...


This is such an amazing poem. The intensity, the darkness, and the emotion in it is great and can be easily felt even by an untrained eye like mine. (xD) I must say, I totally respect you as a poet now. You're one of the two poets here in YWS that I like the best. Your poems are so brilliant and I bet no one can deny the talent that you have for poetry.

Anyway, I don't find any problems in this poem so great job! The only thing that troubled me (except for the lack of punctuation), which you probably already noticed in my nitpicks, is the swear word. xD Perhaps, it's just me. But I personally believe that the use of swear words is the inability of a person to find a better word to express something. Well, it's your decision and I'll respect whatever you decide. But please, if you don't change them, just put asterisks in place of the 'u's' XD. The title is brilliant by the way. And the wording and rhyming is also great. I actually failed to realize that this was about romance until the end lol.

Never stop writing!