Undone

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Points 1095

Reviews 7

Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:45 am

Cassie143 says... · Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:45 am

Evil knocks on the door
Through the peephole you see his grin
Scary and wide
Evil has nothing to hide.
You’re the only one that can see him,
You scream.
Evil chuckles his evil and cunning ways
For he know you’re the one he needs,
To fulfill his evil and cunning deeds.
With nowhere to hide,
You open the door
Pushing past the fear you feel inside
Standing strong, all filled with pride.
Evil speaks to your mind
“Come with me; do not put up a fight,
Or this shall be a long and agonizing night.”
You look into the holes where Evil's eyes should be
Into the windows where his soul should lead.
It took you only that one mistake
To fall under Evil's curse,
For now you’re Evil's little puppet
You’re under his command.
For those who don’t know, Evil's eyes are his weapon
With them he sucks out your soul;
Makes you bleed
Until you’ve done his dirty deed.
You should have run and hid inside
Instead you stood wrapped in a blanket of pride.
And now like all of Evil's adopted sons
You’re bound to him
And this, my friend,
You’ll come to see
That the bond you share
Can never be

Undone.

Last edited by Cassie143 on Sun May 15, 2011 1:35 am, edited 3 times in total.

but paradise is locked and bolted...
we must make a journey around the world
to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

Heinrigh Von Kleist, 'On the Puppet Theater'

Quote

FazoliMoli123

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Points 1236

Reviews 4

Mon Mar 28, 2011 8:03 pm

FazoliMoli123 says... · Mon Mar 28, 2011 8:03 pm

Why hello there :]
So i just caught a few little things to fix --
This is a fixing color !

Evil knocks on the door
Through the peep hole you see his grin
Scary and wide
Evil has nothing to hide.
You’re the only one that can see him,
You scream.
Evil chuckles his evil and cunning ways
For he know you’re the one he needs
To for fill his evil and cunning deeds. I believe you meant fulfill?
With nowhere to hide
You open the door
Standing strong all filled with pride.
Evil speaks to your mind
“Come with me do not put up a fight,
Or this shall be a long and agonizing night.”
You look into the wholes where Evils eyes should be wholes should be holes
Into the widows where is soul should lead.
It took you only that one mistake
To fall under Evils curse,
For now you’re Evils little puppet
You’re under his command.
For those who don’t know Evils eyes are his weapon
With them he sucks your soul
And makes you bleed
Until you’ve done his dirty deed.
You should have ran and hid inside
But instead you stood wrapped in a blanket of pride.
And now like all of Evils adopted sons
You’re bound to him
And this, my friend,
You’ll come to see
That the bond you share
Can never be

Undone.

Other then those little things... This was great!
I really like the last four lines! They're my favorite, and so is the quote from Evil. I really like how it worked.
And i really like how dramatic it was and how it set a certain mood. It was super good!

Keep writing! :]

Beauty Lies Within The Beholder.

Maybe The Beholder Should Leave, And Let Me Feel Beautiful.

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Cassie143

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Points 1095

Reviews 7

Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:32 am

Cassie143 says... · Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:32 am

Thanks heaps I will definitely fix up those mistakes

but paradise is locked and bolted...
we must make a journey around the world
to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

Heinrigh Von Kleist, 'On the Puppet Theater'

Quote

Busheldood

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Points 1141

Reviews 30

Fri Apr 01, 2011 9:50 am

Busheldood says... · Fri Apr 01, 2011 9:50 am

wow, I normally don't read poems without paragraphs (i find them too confusing), but I really liked this. It gave a story and reason, and emotion of help the reader understand and follow through to the end. I really liked the end best:

And this, my friend,
You’ll come to see
That the bond you share
Can never be

Undone.

, fantastic

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love2read

Gender

Points 1040

Reviews 4

Sat Apr 02, 2011 7:39 am

love2read says... · Sat Apr 02, 2011 7:39 am

cool as!!! love it love it love it love it

i love these types of poems and this one was awesome

my Favorite part was the last 5 lines and evils quote
it was really dramatic and the mood you set was really good
keep up the great work

-love2read-

Mr. Wormwood: "Get in the car, Melinda!"
Matilda: "Matilda!"
Mr. Wormwood: "Whatever!"

-Mr. Wormwood and Matilda

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EtCetera

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Points 1244

Reviews 53

Fri Apr 29, 2011 2:53 pm

EtCetera says... · Fri Apr 29, 2011 2:53 pm

I love the personification of any ideal or abstract idea, and evil totally applies to that. Very well written in the keeping evil entirely personified, which I find is a little difficult at times. I love the dramatic one word ending. I personally think that this kind of ending evokes a lot of thought from the reader and it just intensifies the mood of the poem. Again I say, well writ.

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Redfang18

Gender

Points 671

Reviews 32

Fri May 06, 2011 8:10 pm

Redfang18 says... · Fri May 06, 2011 8:10 pm

I love it. It tells you what happens to you if you let Evil into your life. To tell the truth, I'm a tad bit evil myself. However, I'm not as evil as the dude in your poem. I suggest you make another poem, this time with... maybe a vampire or something like that in love with a human. Whatever gender is your choice. I love your style.

Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables

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Cassie143

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Points 1095

Reviews 7

Thu May 12, 2011 6:49 am

Cassie143 says... · Thu May 12, 2011 6:49 am

thank you Redfang

I will attempt to write a poem using your suggestion

but paradise is locked and bolted...
we must make a journey around the world
to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

Heinrigh Von Kleist, 'On the Puppet Theater'

Quote

Matthews

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Points 4870

Reviews 145

Sat May 14, 2011 11:13 pm

Matthews says... · Sat May 14, 2011 11:13 pm

Well, you already have a bunch of reviews/comments, but I feel like giving you a review anyway!

I really enjoyed this poem. It was quite fascinating, and I loved the idea of making 'evil' a being. Comments in purple, edits in red.

Cassie143 wrote:
Evil knocks on the door
Through the peep hole you see his grin
Scary and wide
Evil has nothing to hide.
You’re the only one that can see him,
You scream.
Evil chuckles his evil and cunning ways
For he know you’re the one he needs
To fulfill his evil and cunning deeds.
With nowhere to hide
You open the door
Standing strong all filled with pride. So you're standing 'strong' and filled with 'pride'? What about you screaming earlier? Have you suddenly found a reserve of strength?
Evil speaks to your mind I think it would read better if you changed 'to your' to simply 'in'.
“Come with me; do not put up a fight,
Or this shall be a long and agonizing night.”
You look into the holes where Evil's eyes should be
Into the widows where is soul should lead. 'is'?? Is that supposed to be 'his'? Or maybe change it to "Into the windows where a soul should be." Ah. I just noticed; you spelled "windows" wrong.
It took you only that one mistake
To fall under Evil's curse,
For now you’re Evil's little puppet
You’re under his command.
For those who don’t know, Evil's eyes are his weapon
With them he sucks your soul Maybe add 'out' in front of 'your'. Also, you could put a semi-colon at the end of the line, and take out the 'and' in the next. It will make it more powerful.
And makes you bleed
Until you’ve done his dirty deed.
You should have run and hid inside
But instead you stood wrapped in a blanket of pride. You could take out the 'but' in the line and the 'and' in the next....
And now like all of Evil's adopted sons
You’re bound to him
And this, my friend,
You’ll come to see
That the bond you share
Can never be

Undone. Sweet ending!

K, I really like this poem, and aside from the punctuation errors it's pretty good. The rhyme kind of threw me off, however, as you never seemed to have an actual scheme set up but just did it at random. That's minor; my main thing of fussing is, I really think you could make this much more powerful. Add more depth, condense it. (take out 'and's, but's,' etc.) It's good, but it could be better. So anyway, nice read, but you could make it darker and much much more powerful. I could see myself sitting at the edge of my chair, in suspense, if it were a little bit...stronger. Hope this review helps a little!

Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

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Cassie143

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Points 1095

Reviews 7

Sun May 15, 2011 1:41 am

Cassie143 says... · Sun May 15, 2011 1:41 am

Hi Matthews

Thanks for the great help
I have edited my poem using some of your suggestions

See if you can pick them out

I even added a line

Thanks --143--

but paradise is locked and bolted...
we must make a journey around the world
to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.

Heinrigh Von Kleist, 'On the Puppet Theater'

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