Blue Eyed Wonder

AN: This is a very personal poem. I was asked to write it by a friend of mine who is very dear to me; he wanted me to title it "Blue Eyed Wonder" and said that I could leave it up to interpretation. Since his eyes are blue, I decided to write it about him. I'm going to give this to him eventually, so I want it to be the best it can be; rip it to shreds, and thanks in advance for the critiques!

Broken pendants of rain
struck the grass, brown and dry,
frosted over like tea cakes.
We were in our coats and surrounded by white
when we should have been in shorts and skirts,
watching flowers bloom.
I saw your eyes, soft, blue, and
froze with captivation.
When you spoke to me, time seemed to stop.
Every time you talked to me, I was lost
in a world where I was beautiful, wanted.

The days were filled with confusion, frustration,
not knowing what to do or say.
Then you would see me, manage a smile
and bring the wonder back
with the smile that you painted on my face.

You were everything to me -
meeting you was something extraordinary.
You were a miracle,
a wonder with blue eyes.

this is an amazing poem! this is he best poem i have read today i think it is perfict to give to your friend.

Red - Spell/Grammar Correction | Blue - Alternative | Green - Comment

Broken pendants of rain
struck the grass, brown and dry,
frosted over like tea cakes.
We were in our coats and surrounded by white
when we should have been in shorts and skirts,
watching flowers bloom.
I saw your eyes, soft, blue, and
froze with captivation.
When you spoke to me, time seemed to stop.
Every time you talked to me, I was lost
in a world where I was beautiful and wanted.

The days were filled with confusion, frustration,
not knowing what to do or say. -Excellent, very rhythmical.
Then you would see me, manage a smile
and bring the wonder back
with the smile that you painted on my face. ...I feel this line is a bit cut off somehow.

You were everything to me -
meeting you was something extraordinary.
You were a miracle,
a wonder with blue eyes.

A wonderful poem, I enjoyed it. I hope you blue eye'd friend does too

Hey Eli! I meant to get to you a lot sooner with this but I didn’t even have time at work the other day (when I first received your PM) to reply to you. It’s been a crazy few days here. Sorry! But I’m here now and I hope I’m not too late!

I didn’t really see any nit picks exactly but I did see a few parts I wanted to point out…ya feel me?

I saw your eyes, soft, blue, and
froze with captivation.

The bolded chunk is what I really wanted to point out because it feels a little uncomfortable and I think it’s the word “captivation” and even “froze.” I feel like “frozen” would read a lot cleaner and a different adjective than “captivation”

You were everything to me -
meeting you was something extraordinary.
You were a miracle,
a wonder with blue eyes.

You use such wonderful description in the first six lines (those were the lines that really most impressed me) but the end of this poem really falls flat for me and it reads as pretty generic. The last line would have been nicer, in my opinion, if it tied into the title and read “a blue eyed wonder” instead.

But overall, I definitely understand the story behind this with what I have as inside story behind it. I just think you should shoot for a little extra description like what you used in those first six lines because gradually, as the poem goes on, I feel like the wording really lost its pizzazz. *hugs* And good luck with the poem and the boy!

Hi! I loved reading your poem, all the figurative language you used and the pictures it gives. I have to admit, I'm not very good with nitpicks, but I can say that it flows well. I like how it's a series of snapshots, like in a movie where you seem to feel the emotion of the scene without actually feeling it. I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I hope your friend loves it too. Keep writing!