Betrayal

Life is full of heart ache
with a severed chest
a blood trail leading down the hall
a closed door hiding a loved one
with barred teeth
wielding an ax to guard a deadly secret
it's the last thing you'll see
terror-the last thing you'll feel
blood-the last thing you'll taste
as it fills your lungs-caresses your lips and
flees your body to escape your grasp
betrayal-like a grinding ax
plunging in
over and over again
scrambling your organs till
no life remains
no color
no joy
nothing good left to remember.

Yay! I adore violent poems, so I am glad to see you writing like this.

My main advice here would make it a lot more violent. Obviously, you have a lot of violent images, which I adore, so that is wonderful! But you need to make the style just sizzle with violence and action. You tried that already by by making it jerky, but you can increase the jerkiness by shortening your phrases even more by taking out some of the unnecessary "helper" words. So you can start with:

It's a severed chest and blood
trails down the hall, leading to the
locked door hiding the ax wielder.
He wants pain. He wants to see
the terror on your face as you taste
your blood as it fills your mouth, lungs.

Or something like that. Obviously, I am just condensing your poem a lot more than it is, but you can do something like this, and it'll help the poem become even more jerky and violent. And yes, I adore violence.

Nice stuff!

Life is full of heart ache
with a severed chest,
a blood trail leading down the hall,
a closed door hiding a loved one
with barred teeth,
wielding an axe to guard a deadly secret-
It's the last thing you'll see.
Terror-the last thing you'll feel.
Blood-the last thing you'll taste,
as it fills your lungs, caresses your lips and flees your body to escape your grasp.
Betrayal-like a grinding axe, (You use "axe" twice. Intentional?)
plunging in,
over and over again,
scrambling your organs till
no life remains,
no color,
no joy,
nothing good left to remember.

I just did some basic grammar, but other than that it works well. Nice job!

I don't have many suggestions when it comes to your poem, but I think you should separate this into three stanzas. Here is how I'd personally do it:

Life is full of heartache
in a severed chest
a blood trail leading down the hall
a closed door hiding a loved one
with barred teeth
wielding an ax to guard a deadly secret

it's the last thing you'll see
terror-the last thing you'll feel
blood-the last thing you'll taste
as it fills your lungs-caresses your lips and
flees your body to escape your grasp

betrayal-like a grinding ax
plunging in
over and over again
scrambling your organs till
no life remains
no color
no joy
nothing good left to remember.

There are also some punctuation marks that you've omitted, but I won't insist on that, since I'm sure that this is not what you expect to be pointed out by a reviewer.

Hey, sorry I'm so late! I haven't been on much lately because of a bunch of end of year tests and all that at school.... But hey, maybe this will cause more people to review? Right?

Grammer: You need to add some punctuation. Without it, this is a big long sentence that never ends, so yeah... The others were pointed out above, and I agree with the whole axe thing, was it intentional to use the same thing?

Life is full of heart ache
with a severed chest

I suggest you read this, it just sounds awkward.

Suggestions/Questions: I don't know what to say here.... I gave you the punctuation thing. I would suggest picking a different metaphor than the axe though.

Likes:

blood-the last thing you'll taste
as it fills your lungs-caresses your lips and
flees your body to escape your grasp

I like the language, and the lines in general.

scrambling your organs till
no life remains
no color
no joy
nothing good left to remember.

vivid! haha I like the ending even if it is super depressing.


Overall: It was good, yet depressing, but whatever.... Like I said twice already, it needs punctuation. It is a common mistake to "forget" punctuation in poems. A lot of people think it isn't needed, but let me tell you, it is required. So add that in, make the corrections that Dani already pointed out. I also like the above idea of stanzas, but those aren't required, and as such, it is completely up to you. Keep listening to Lifehouse =P (I am right now....) and keep writing. (Maybe while listening to them? ) If you ever want another review let me know, I'll try and do a little better one next time too, there wasn't much to change or review on this! I promise I'll be faster next time too!

~HostofHorus

Hey,
Here I am again Yay for description and imagery! That's the thing I really like about your poems. You have alot of really helpful and awesome reviews, so not to repeat any of their ideas my only nit-pick is that this should really be in stanzas; I know I said that in the last review, but it would really help here because the flow would remain.

terror-the last thing you'll feel
blood-the last thing you'll taste

for example, the above lines disrupt the flow of your poem and jolt the reader out of getting really into it, so I think having stanzas would help keep the flow intact.

Have a good day,
Tiffany

Well, it made me shiver! (This is a compliment.)

Keep Writing,
~FW~