Flight 764-Chapter 2

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2. Justine

Gerald did love his daughter. Justine Falco was a smart and beautiful young lady, who favored her mother’s looks. She had the long blonde curly hair and the famous Esterly nose that absolutely everybody on Kimberly’s side of the family had. Kimberly is Justine’s mother. The only real resemblance that Justine had of her father was her bright blue eyes, which was one trait nobody in the Esterly family did possess. Gerald and Kimberly were married for many years, and remained together by a string up until around the time Justine turned the age of 17. Years prior, Kim started to tease Gerald, telling him how he was not a man, and how he had lost his man hood. She started to engage in sexual activities with younger men, mostly Justine’s high school friends. Gerald heard things around town, and did believe them, but just chose to take it “like a man.” You know the classic story of men coming home early to find their wife in bed with another man? Well, unfortunately this happened to Gerald. Like I stated before, luck wasn’t on Gerald’s side. Nor was it with Justine, because the man Kimberly was sleeping with was Justine’s boyfriend, Marcus. Needless to say, Kimberly was out of a house, and Justine was out of a boyfriend.
Justine hated her mother for what she did, so she elected to stay with Gerald. Kimberly wanted a divorce, and Gerald was eager to give her one. Problem is, Kimberly hasn’t been heard of in over 2 weeks. Gerald just assumed she was on a bender with some of her boy toys, or perhaps she got raped on one of her drunken stumbles home from bar hopping all night. Gerald preferred the latter.
Gerald was a sales consultant for a marketing company out of Clearwater, Florida, that specialized in refurbished electronics, and did most of their business over the internet, with a few small stores in a few states. He had been working for the company for a little over 4 years now, and had some serious vacation time saved up. He had been saving it up for his daughters high school graduation present.

Justine was sitting on the porch whenever she saw her father rounding the corner to come up the porch stairs. She could see Gerald smiling, and noticed he had a look on his face so unfamiliar to her, is was like looking at a different person.
"Hi Dad" Justine said to her father.
"What's the look about? Are you constipated again?" she said while snickering.

“If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?” he asked. Now Gerald, knowing his daughter very well, knew she was going to say France. She had talked about this since she was 12, having an obsession with the Eifel Tower. He had purchased the tickets over 2 months ago, and made sure to put in 10 days worth of vacation time at the office. All of Justine’s coworkers have known about her vacation for over a month, because Gerald had to tell them she would be unavailable for work. It’s all about the art of surprise, right?
“Dad, that’s a question you already know the answer too.” Justine says timidly.
“Jamaica, right?” Gerald speaks sarcastically.
“Yeah, because you know how much I love to smoke pot. France, you dweeb.”
Gerald says “Now that is no way to talk to your father after he spent a bunch of money and used half of his hard earned vacation time to take his beautiful, intelligent daughter to France.”
Justine’s face lit up so bright, Gerald thought he would need sun glasses to help hide the glare.
“Get out of here!” Justine said excitedly. “You didn’t!”
“I did. Happy Graduation honey! We leave on June 12th.” Gerald said. Seeing the look on her face sent chills up his spine. He would never forget that look.
“Oh…MY….GOD! Thank you so much!” Justine said while she forcefully wrapped her long arms around the nape of his neck. “We just have so much to do! We have to get passports! That can take weeks!”
“Already took care of it doll; they should be in any day now. Your mother has your birth certificate and I can’t reach her, so I had to send away for a new one. I got it Fed-Ex’d overnight.” Gerald explained.
“Ugh, she’s probably off on a bender.” Justine said with little enthusiasm.
“You may be right sweetie. I love you very much.”
This was true. Gerald loved his daughter.




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Hi again!

I smiled at the end of this. That's always a good sign. ;) I can feel this story leading up to something big, and I can't wait to find out what it is! I notice they seem to talk and think about the mother a lot. I think I can sense some foreshadowing, but I'm not the best with predicting that kind of stuff! ;)

I'm getting excited just thinking about the next chapter. Great job again! :)
Forever for All <3

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Yo, Dawg.

So I've read this through once, and I've noticed a few glaring issues that I want to help fix up. They were recurring, so I'll give you a quick pin-point of them, then we'll talk about working a plot through the grinder.

First off, I want you to read this through and try and pinpoint when you changed tenses. There were at least two which I can recall just from memory. If you have hopes of getting this published, then those have to go without compromise. I'm sure you're aware of this, but when dictating a narrative, choosing one particular tense in which to tell your story is pretty basic. Of course, all authors slip up and no one's perfect, but this is why we proofread. Just as a reader/reviewer, I want to be sure that you spent time and took care with this piece before even considering posting it here for us to read and critique. Finding tense shifts doesn't give me a good vibe, and I guarantee that it would do the same to your publishers.

My second point of order regards your tendency to summarize.

Just as a flat line, summary is bad storytelling. I read a novel to feel engrossed by the characters, to feel alive in the plot. Particularly if this is the second chapter, you should have no semblance of summary in your narrative. Take your time and consider what you want to show us. And if it's important, give us detail; give us a reason to read.

Third, I'd like you to think about who exactly is narrating. As a general rule of thumb, having a narrator's voice who isn't actually in the story is a bad idea. Consider this as you continue writing this project.

So, in short:

1. Proofread.
2. Expand
3. Specify

Happy review day!

-Lumi
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.




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Thank you for the review, but it would have been nice to see these occurances you are talking about. Maybe then I could change it, but to me I feel I proof read it rather well. Maybe not though. Thanks



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