Night on the Atlantic

Night on the Atlantic

All quiet on the Atlantic,
people all so frantic.
Into the deep of the cold,
a punishment for the bold.
They said she was unsinkable,
the mere concept unthinkable.

On a quiet Atlantic night,
souls are in a fright.
The last message has been sent,
the remaining time nearly spent.
The shield meant to defend,
will now be their end.

For tonight there will be screams,
all of them broken dreams.
Into the deep they will sink,
never again will we think.
It’s unsinkable they said,
but now all of them are dead.

Another small poem writen to a soundtrack from a movie. Can you guess what one?

Right on man! I enjoyed this, and that's all I have to say.

eh. Not really a fan of the singsongy rhyme scheme. I guess I'm more of a fan of specific details and sensory information. All I get here is... there's this ship and it sank even though they said it wouldn't. Well, why do I care. Oh it really happened, oh it's a movie. I still don't care. There is a lot of tragedy here, but none of it is conveyed in this piece. I think it focuses on a lot of obvious details: the perceived invincibility of the ship, cold, quiet, darkness of the ocean at night, etc. Maybe look for less obvious details? More subtle cues into the tragic nature of the narrative?

best,

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

I liked this very much. I've never seen the movie but the Titanic boat is so famous most people would understand what you're trying to tell us, your audience.

I think you could use better words than "unthinkable" and "unsinkable". Get some variation in and it'll be just that more interesting. However, I think you told the story well and captured a small feeling of fear, at least.

Well done.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hey!

I enjoyed this. It's short and simple. I like your rhyme scheme, but you could tighten up the rhythm. Instead of just relying on rhyme at the end, count out the syllables to be sure the poem can be read aloud to a consistent beat. You don't have to, but it would sort of give the impression of the measured lull of waves, and I think it would pretty cool.

I do agree with perdido a bit that you focus only on the obvious things here. I'm not actually feeling the emotion here because of the sterile descriptions you choose: frantic people, broken dreams, etc. This is all to be expected. If you show us something more specific-- a character struggling to find a lifeboat, etc, anything to make the poem more personal.

Keep writing!

~Evi

I really liked this. I haven't seen the movie Titanic, either, (although I know one of my friends has), but I knew almost immediately what you were talking about. It was really good rhyming, and I really loved it!

The shield meant to defend,
will now be their end.

This was the only line that didn't quite make sense to me. Happy writing!!

Beautiful, tragic, amazing. All words that could describe this poem to a Tee. Not only because I love the Titanic, but that was beautiful.