I give.

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.

My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure in unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of your come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was made out of fear.

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, its all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat.

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.

I give.
by MilkNCookies on Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:00 pm

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.

My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure in unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of your come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was made out of fear.

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, its all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat.

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.

Shouldn't that be "you?" other than that I have nothing more to say...You did amazing and I am happy I clicked on it to read^^. Hopefully you'll post more soon so I may read more...Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.

My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure in (the 'in' should be 'is') unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of your ('you', not 'your') come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was made out of fear. made doesn't feel quite right. Maybe 'said out of fear'?

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, its (it's, not its, because it's a contraction of 'it is'.) all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat. This line doesn't quite work. It needs to be either "Remember that you're a pathetic evil cheat." or "Remember that, you pathetic evil cheat."

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.

Apart from those few grammar issues you might just want to watch your rhythm. Each verse has a different number of syllables and it can interrupt the flow a little. Other than that it's a very emotional piece with some great images in it. Really nice work!

-pigeon

I really liked this poem - there were some points you could have improved on, but overall, it was good. There's not much I can say that hasn't been already covered, except that you have a really good sense of rhythm. I've coloured the stanzas I particularly liked green.

MilkNCookies wrote:I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

Your pressure in unbearable,
I think I'll just let go.

Let the creature inside of your come out
and shred me, completely, head to toe.

How could I let you fool me?
Were you really all that sincere?

they say 'once a liar, always a liar'
I thought it was made out of fear.

I've never been so utterly wrong,
you're the same old you.

Yes, you're the same old person- hitting,
kicking, punching me hard, its all you do.

Here, take your money, oh, here's your
memories, before your rant starts.

I think I'll hang onto that last one,
where you struck me in my heart.

So go, you thing, don't ever come back!
Remember that you're pathetic, evil cheat.

Leave, without a backwards glance,
while I curl up, all alone, in defeat.

I liked these because the lines were the right length, the vocabulary was interesting, and it struck a chord with me. Someof the other lines seemed a little awkward, but these things are easily corrected. What helps me (and I say this to a lot of peopel) is to read the poem out loud to myself and see if it scans well.

W. O. W. That was was wcked amazing. My favorite line was "i think ill keep that lat one/the one where you hit my heart" loved it!!!! There are a few typos. you shouldprobably fix those. But other than that, it is a great poem.

You opened up the poem really well I really liked these lines

I know it'll overtake me,
your pain, your crazy grin.
My poor heart can't take this,
It's slowly giving in.

I think all the mistakes have been covered but overall a lovely poem with nice emotion Well done xXx

This is beautiful!!! Wow, you did an amazing job here. The last stanza is, by far, the best, I think. But I liked the entire thing! The other reviewers did nice jobs with detailed work, so I can't really add much, but I really enjoyed this piece. Keep up the great work!!!! Keep writing!!!