Ballon

Ballon
Are any of you that person who wanted to be that thing that was laughed or frowned upon? Well, I am. When I was younger I wanted to be in a ballet company. The problem was and still is that I’m a guy. That led to me being bullied a lot in school.

They did the usual stuff; like the would dump me in the trash can, steal my lunch money, dump their lunch on me, and called me a sissy. I realized my dream of being a male danseur( there is no such thing as a male ballerina when I was 7. My parents thought I was joking until they realized I was serious. They reluctantly signed me up for ballet classes. At first the rest of the class(they were girls of course!) spent most of their time laughing at me. Lucky for me I am one of the 2% born with the “ballet body”.

Until a year later when another male ballerina named Gerald Martin, an immigrant from France joined our class. Little did I know how much he would affect my life. As soon as he saw me I became his best friend(well I was the only friend he had and vice versa). We did everything together we walked to school together, did our homework together, went to the beach together. We were inseparable.

Well back to ballet. I had many favorite moves but my favorite was the ballon. I felt like I was defying the laws of physics. I liked my ballet uniform for ballet school it was a white shirt with black pants and ballet shoes. The dance school I attended was called Ballon School of Ballet. It had so many great memories there.

When I was 16 years old I became an apprentice at the New York City Ballet. I practiced for 30+ hours. I barely ate because I was afraid to gain weight. My doctor told me that I was an anorexic and should take care of myself. I gradually began to eat and now I am healthy again.

The next year I was accepted into the ballet company. To my surprise Gerald was accepted also. When we first noticed each other it went somewhat like this. I saw him surrounded by ballerinas laughing as I was walking by. He noticed me but I did not recognize him.(I haven’t seen him for 3 years okay). He shouted,”Lucas! It’s me!” We ran up to each other and hugged(a man hug!). I was so happy to see him. I knew it was going to be a great day. But sadly it wasn’t.

Hi, Q. I'm Ninjy, and I'll review your work for today.

My corrections; take these into consideration, please.

Ballon
Are any of you that person who wanted to be that thing that was laughed or frowned upon? Well, I am. When I was younger I wanted to be in a ballet company. The problem was and still is that I’m a guy. That led to me being bullied a lot in school.

They did the usual stuff; like they would dump me in the trash can, steal my lunch money, dump their lunch on me, and called me a sissy. I realized my dream of being a male danseur(there is no such thing as a male ballerina) when I was 7. My parents thought I was joking until they realized I was serious. They reluctantly signed me up for ballet classes. At first the rest of the class(they were girls of course!) spent most of their time laughing at me. Lucky for me I am one of the 2% born with the “ballet body”.

Until a year later when another male ballerina named Gerald Martin, an immigrant from France joined our class. Little did I know how much he would affect my life. As soon as he saw me I became his best friend(well I was the only friend he had and vice versa). We did everything together we walked to school together, did our homework together, went to the beach together. We were inseparable.

Well, back to ballet. I had many favorite moves but my favorite was the ballon. I felt like I was defying the laws of physics. I liked my ballet uniform for ballet school. It was a white shirt with black pants and ballet shoes. The dance school I attended was called Ballon School of Ballet. It had so many great memories there.

When I was 16 years old I became an apprentice at the New York City Ballet. I practiced for 30+ hours. I barely ate because I was afraid to gain weight. My doctor told me that I was an anorexic and should take care of myself. I gradually began to eat and now I am healthy again.

The next year I was accepted into the ballet company. To my surprise Gerald was accepted also. When we first noticed each other it went somewhat like this: I saw him surrounded by ballerinas laughing as I was walking by. He noticed me but I did not recognize him.(I haven’t seen him for 3 years okay?) He shouted,”Lucas! It’s me!” We ran up to each other and hugged(a man hug!). I was so happy to see him. I knew it was going to be a great day. But sadly it wasn’t.

I will say that naming the school after his favorite move is a little... obvious. Make sure you're punctuating correctly; even when you're reading mentally, pauses are still necessary. Also, in the one spot where the narrator says he "liked his ballet uniform for his ballet school," 'ballet' definitely feels repetitive.

I think the anorexia bit is your lowest point. Anorexia is a serious chronic illness, and you wrote it sort of impersonally, as if it were just a cold or a fever. Actually, rereading, a lot of this is impersonal; try to get more emotion into your words. I think you wanted this piece to have at least some sort of power, and I'm certain you have the ability. Try reading up on what you're writing about if you're not sure about it, and try to get an understanding of it. You can write it with more emotion if you understand what you're writing, or have felt it before. (Always write about things you have experience with!)

I noticed that you liked to use parentheses. That's fine, but really only use them if it really is a side-note. If you can put it into the story and it'll have flow, you don't need the parentheses. When you do use them, put a space before you start them, and remember to close them. I only caught an open-ended parentheses set once, so I think it might have just been a mishap.

This sort of story has promise; by no means should you give up on it. Keep reworking it until you think it's flawless, and then some. That's the way of the writer.

Good luck and have fun writing!

~NCM~

Hi there!

Okay, just to get this out of the way: I really hope you continue this, because the ending was a cliffhanger. I liked how the concept of this story was a little different from others. We always hear stories about female dancers, so kudos to you for trying something new.

I feel like you could've been a little more descriptive, but that's pretty much my only complaint. Overall, I really liked this, and I hope you continue this because it really is a cliffhanger!