Paul and Paulette

Friday night Paul decided to go out clubbing. He walked up to the door and gave his fake I.D. and twenty dollars to the bouncer. The bouncer, still looking at Paul suspiciously, let the cocky avatar threw. Paul walked to the bar, "One Jack and Coke." He spotted a gorgous, blonde avatar sitting at table looking lonely. "And a Martini, please." He walked over and sat down.
The puzzled girl exclaimed, "Excuse you?"
Paul, a bit baffled, responded, "Oh, is this seat taken?"
"No," she said kind of shy.
"Well my name is Paul." He extended his hand to her.
She took it, and he kissed her knuckles. "Um... I'm Paulette."
"That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he quoted the cheesey line, but she blushed anyways.
"Thanks." She hestitated but asked anyhow, "Would you like to dance?"
"After we drink our drinks." He pushed her glass toward her.
They drank quickly then danced the night away. Around two o'clock in the morning it was time to say goodbye. Paulette's car would not start.
Paul suavely inquired, "Would you like a ride home?"
"That would be fabtabulous." She hugged her hero.
He opened the door for her then got in the car himself. He turned on a low jazz song, her favorite.
"This is the best song," she exclaimed.
"I know it is my favorite," eventhough he hated the entire station.
On a dark backroad the car died. Paulette giggled, "Of course the car 'ran out of gas'."
"I'm serious it did. I didn't do this on purpose."
She kissed him gingerly on the cheek and whispered in Paul's ear, "I know. I did this." She sank her fangs into his neck. He passed out from the blood loss. Paulette gave him some of her blood to turn him. She was the most powerful vampiress ever. She had been searching for a king to rein by her side. Paulette had found all the very characteristics in Paul that she had been scavaging for. The two immortal avatars lived together for many thousand years. Paul attacked Paulette out of spite and jealousy for the power she possessed. Paulette killed Paul for his attempt on her life. In the end they killed each other.

Hey there!

First of all, since this is a flash fiction, you have got to take each scenes slowly. The pace was too fast that it almost lose its idealistic element, and the characters weren't developed very well. Though I have to say this has potential, but then again, you just have to make this realistic as much as possible. Especially if we focus at the last part, you seem to tell everything randomly like, "she bit her, he became a vampire, they ruled and died", which when read, looks uninteresting and doesn't leave me satisfied about the story itself.

Grammar wise, your punctuations are correct. However, I wish you can expand more on Paul's conversation with Paulette's since it was just very short.

She was the most powerful vampiress ever. She had been searching for a king to rein by her side. Paulette had found all the very characteristics in Paul that she had been scavaging for.

Like this for example, you said that Paulette is the most powerful, but I don't see any characteristics of her to justify that title. How can she be the most powerful? She has a magical powers? eternal life? Your readers would want to know how and why, so I suggest that you elaborate it more.

Secondly, in the quoted lines, Paulette found the man she had been waiting for. I would appreciate it if you had specified those characteristics that she found in Paul. What are those?

Lastly, you also need toShow don't tell. Because if you tell more, the more your story would look unrealistic. And the more readers would not like it. We need details, so you got to dig more into the soil. ^^

I'm not really going to tell you what to do or write, maybe because you're in the state of being new in writing and also in this site. I don't want to pressure you. haha. But anyways, I hope you see this review helpful. And PM me for any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

#FF0000 ">(Well just to start, you have to indent the first sentence in a paragraph)
Friday night#FF0000 ">(,) Paul decided to go out clubbing#FF0000 ">(Run-on sentence). He walked up to the door and gave his fake I.D. and twenty dollars to the bouncer. The bouncer, still looking at Paul suspiciously, let the cocky avatar threw. Paul walked to the bar, "One Jack and Coke." He spotted a gorgous#FF0000 ">(gorgeous), blonde#FF0000 ">(no e) avatar sitting at table looking lonely. "And a Martini, please." He #FF0000 ">grabbed the drinks as soon as they were done and walked over and sat down.#FF0000 ">(Another run on sentence)

The puzzled girl exclaimed, "Excuse you?" #FF0000 ">(Switch it around,try what she says first)

Paul, a bit baffled, responded, "Oh, is this seat taken?"

"No," she said kind of shy.#FF0000 ">(shyly)

"Well my name is Paul#FF0000 ">," He said as he extended his hand to her.

She took it, and he kissed her knuckles. "Um... I'm Paulette." #FF0000 ">She replied.

"That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he #FF0000 ">said quoting the #FF0000 ">cheesy #FF0000 ">pick-up line, but she blushed anyways.

"Thanks." She hestitated but asked anyhow, "Would you like to dance?"#FF0000 ">(Why would she no dance with him? What thought were going through her head?)

"After we drink#FF0000 ">(Replace with have) our drinks#FF0000 ">,"#FF0000 "> he said pushing her glass toward her.

They drank quickly then danced the night away. Around two o'clock in the morning it was time to say goodbye. #FF0000 ">But, Paulette's car would not start.

Paul suavely inquired, "Would you like a ride home?"

"That would be fabtabulous#FF0000 ">," she said hugging her hero.

He opened the door for her then got in the car himself. He turned on a low jazz song, her favorite.(How does he know it's her favorite?)

"This is the best song," she exclaimed. #FF0000 ">("This is my favorite songs every," she exclaimed.)

"I know it is#FF0000 ">(it's) my favorite," even(space)though he hated the entire station.

On a dark #FF0000 ">back road the car died. Paulette giggled, "Of course the car 'ran out of gas'."

"I'm serious it did. I didn't do this on purpose."

She kissed him gingerly on the cheek and whispered in Paul's ear, "I know. I did this."#FF0000 ">(indent) She sank her fangs into his neck. He passed out from the blood loss. Paulette gave him some of her blood to turn him. She was the most powerful vampiress#FF0000 ">(vampire) ever. She had been searching for a king to rein by her side.#FF0000 ">(indent) Paulette had found all the very characteristics in Paul that she had been scavaging#FF0000 ">(scavenging) for. The two immortal avatars#FF0000 ">(Is she a vampire or avatar????) lived together for many thousand years. Paul attacked Paulette out of spite and jealousy for the power she possessed. Paulette killed Paul for his attempt on her life. In the end they killed each other.#FF0000 ">(Whoa. This is really really to fast)


This would be a great idea for a book, but it goes way to fast. You need to add more details instead of just getting straight to the point. I like the story line a lot but i think you need to slow it down and be specific with things...

But i reaaalllllyyyyy love it =) =D!

It's for a contest.

Hey jujubean,
Honestly, I like some of your other fiction much better than this. Your style of writing this story didn't work out well at all.

Friday night#FF0000 ">, Paul decided to go out clubbing. He walked up to the door and gave his fake I.D. and twenty dollars to the bouncer. The bouncer, still looking at Paul suspiciously, let the cocky avatar threw. Paul walked to the bar, "One Jack and Coke." He spotted a gorgous, blonde avatar sitting at table looking lonely. "And a Martini, please." He walked over and sat down. #FF0000 ">You shouldn't use the word "avatar" twice in the same paragraph. In this context, it doesn't seem right to use it at all.
The puzzled girl exclaimed, "Excuse you?"
Paul, a bit baffled, responded, "Oh, is this seat taken?"
"No," she said kind of shy.
"Well my name is Paul." He extended his hand to her.
She took it, and he kissed her knuckles. "Um... I'm Paulette."
"That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he quoted the cheesey line, but she blushed anyways.
"Thanks." She hestitated but asked anyhow, "Would you like to dance?"
"After we drink our drinks." He pushed her glass toward her. #FF0000 ">"After we drink" would sound smoother.
They drank quickly then danced the night away. Around two o'clock in the morning#FF0000 ">, it was time to say goodbye. Paulette's car would not start.
Paul suavely inquired, "Would you like a ride home?"
"That would be fabtabulous." She hugged her hero. #FF0000 ">I would never use that word writing fiction, ever.
He opened the door for her then got in the car himself. He turned on a low jazz song, her favorite. #FF0000 ">Honestly, what are the odds that this would happen. Also, this seems like it is set in the modern day. Why would she like jazz?
"This is the best song#FF0000 ">!" she exclaimed.
"I know#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">It's my favorite," even though he hated the entirestation. #FF0000 ">"The entire station" sounds wierd.
On a dark backroad the car died. Paulette giggled, "Of course the car 'ran out of gas'."
"I'm serious it did. I didn't do this on purpose."
She kissed him gingerly on the cheek and whispered in Paul's ear, "I know. I did this." She sank her fangs into his neck. He passed out from the blood loss. Paulette gave him some of her blood to turn him. She was the most powerful vampiress ever. She had been searching for a king to rein by her side. Paulette had found all the very characteristics in Paul that she had been scavaging for. The two immortal avatars lived together for many thousand years. Paul attacked Paulette out of spite and jealousy for the power she possessed. Paulette killed Paul for his attempt on her life. In the end they killed each other.

Reading the last paragraph ruined this story for me. It seemed like it may have had a good direction, but one of the things that you never do in writing is that you never write a story, and then in your last paragraph give the reader facts as to explain the entire story. I think you need to rework this story, sorry. But if you don't, at least change up the ending.
-Alex

Hey, Bean! I'm Tiger and I'll be your reviewer for today, as a judge in the contest.

Right, so there are some good points to this. At the start, it seemed (to me, anyway) that you were going for humour. Paul was supposed to be some goof who acted suave around a girl he liked, a method which worked to his surprise.

But then there was an awful lot of dialogue, some grammar errors, and then an abrupt end to the story. The other reviewers have talked about this ending, so I won't go on about it. Instead I'll suggest what you could have done.

You could have, for instance, added a bit more detail to your world. Actually, I think this would have helped a great deal. Paul and Paulette are the only confirmed avatars in the story, and that begs the question: is everyone else an avatar as well? Was the bouncer an avatar? Is it a world full of avatars or are avatars living on another planet, in certain parts of the normal world, etc.

I think this could have been made slightly longer as well. It felt short to me, but that brevity may have been because of the abruptness of the ending. I also think you could have developed your characters a bit more. Or at least, give reasons for their actions. Why did Paul go into the club, and flirt specifically with Paulette? Why did Paulette think Paul had all the characteristics to be a vampire king? After all, he was just some random guy who flirted and danced with her; there would have been a thousand other people like him. An identifiable motive/reason gives way to better understanding, which gives way to realism.

Anyway, good luck in the contest! We'll let everyone know when the winners have been decided. KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

Heyaaa!

This review will only be a brief one because, well, I've got a lot of these to get to. Also, I don't want to make it obvious how much I like or dislike this piece compared to others, so the more brief I am, the less likely that is to happen. Don't worry though, I will still try to make this critique helpful!

I think this has loads of potential. I think the idea of Paul's lover being some evil vampire is really great, and it's definitely different to some of the other entries for this I've read so far. I think that you had a good, sturdy beginning too. Your characters were beginning to get rather interesting, and I quite liked the dialogue between Paul and Paulette. I love Paulette's name too, by the way.

My main critique for you is basically what the others have said, so I'm sorry if this sounds repetitive. For me, the ending was too abrupt. You started the story off with a steady pace that was nice to follow, but then all of a sudden, in the last paragraph, it all ended so quickly. It's like we got told an enormous number of details all at once, and it was a lot to take in. What's the most annoying is that the last paragraph had such an interesting concept. Like I said before, I think the idea of Paulette being a vampire was really good, but we didn't really get to see any of it. Do you get what I mean? We didn't see her getting killed by Paul or anything, which I think could have been really awesome.

Thanks for entering the contest, and good job!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins