Come With Me - A Short Story of Hope

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A gray, shiny car rolled along the empty side-street in the night. It had just begun to drizzle, and through the window, a young, blond-haired woman could hear the pitter-patter, and the 'shhhhhhhh' of the rain hitting the ground as her car rolled and slowly and softly along. She could hear the tires crunch quietly over the road's pavement, making a light crushing noise.
Helen did this often, letting the car roll along by itself in the night without her touching the gas-pedal, relaxing after a long, hard day of work. She loved listening to the crickets, when they were out, but was satisfied with the rain that was coming down.
A few drops hit her face, as she stuck her head out the window for a moment to let baby-blue eyes gaze up at the murky sky. It reminded her of dirty, swirling water at the bottom of a lake when the water was stirred up. She squinted against the rain, and pulled her head back inside, letting her arm dangle out casually, fingers brushing the outside of the door, tapping it absentmindedly.
A figure, coming up the sidewalk, caught her eye, and she turned to look.
A girl, no more than fourteen years old, shuffled haltingly along the sidewalk, drenched and shivering.
Helen's breath caught in her throat, and something jerked at her heart.
The girl's head was hanging, long, black hair covering her face, and she looked exhausted; both mentally and physically. Solemn eyes, reflecting her suffering, gazed hopelessly out at the horizon before her. She wasn't seeming to be looking at anything in particular, but was in a languid daze.
She was bent over in hunched position, thin arms hugging her waist, fingers gripping her hips, tightly, as if she would fall to pieces if she let go. Shoulders stiff, she seemed to be wary of the world around her, stopping her tired, dazed stare to look around for any sign of trouble.
Timid looking, she was tight-lipped and nervous. Her pale face reflected her plight, as her skin was pulled tightly over her high cheekbones, cheeks significantly hollow. It was easy to tell she hadn't had any real food to eat in days.
She continued to shuffle along, letting her feet drag. At one point, she stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk, and nearly collapsed on the grass to her right. She regained her balance, and, ever-so-slowly, continued on her intended route.
Helen couldn't watch the girl any longer, and pulled up alongside the curb. She opened the door, and got out, not surprised when the girl flinched away from her, and moved to the other side of the sidewalk. She stood by the car, and quietly closed the door, not wishing to scare the girl any more than she already had.
"Hey." she said softly, not caring that the rain was seeping into her clothing, leaving her wet and cold. "Whatcha doin' all the way out here, all alone?"
The girl paused, keeping her head down, but peered up at the stranger cautiously. She licked her lips, and Helen could tell she was wondering if she should answer. The girl fidgeted, fingers playing with the string of the drawstring bag she was holding. It was probably her only possession.
"I know you probably don't want to talk to me." Helen began, trying to choose her words carefully. She spoke genuinely, in a deliberate voice, "But, I was watching you, and I couldn't help but notice."
The girl solemnly watched the woman.
"Are you cold? Tired? Hungry?" Helen was indirectly offering her services.
Again, the girl was silent. But, after a minute, she nodded hesitantly.
"If you want." Helen said hopefully, eyes lighting up. "-You can come home with me, and I can give you a place to rest and eat." She clutched at the neck of her jacket, tugging it closer towards her. It was so cold. She nearly wished she was back in the car, but there was something more important than warmth.
The girl's brow furrowed, and she seemed to frown before her face relaxed. She bit her lip, arms wrapping tighter around herself.
Helen spoke in a steady, concerned voice, "It's so cold, and no one should be out in a night like this. Please." She begged, "Come home with me. Just come with me, then, in the morning, you can go whenever you want." Helen's voice was hushed at what she said next, "Or, you don't have to go."
The girl's head snapped up, and a faint glimmer sparked in her eye. Her mouth opened, but didn't say a word. Her eyes were wide, almost desperate, and questionate. She wanted it. Should she take it? Hesitantly, she shuffled forward, stopping to stand in front of the woman.
Helen could feel tears welling up in her eyes, as the small girl stared up at her with an awe-struck face, searching her hopefully. She knelt down, letting the girl take a small step back to allow her more room, and embraced the child. She felt her quivering. Such a tiny, fragile frame! It seemed like the girl would break in Helen's arms if she held her too tight. Standing up, she turned to open the backseat door to the car. "Alright. Just slide inside, and we can go home."
The girl inched nervously towards the door, and slid inside, instantly settling into a stiff, introverted position when she was seated.
Helen closed the door, a hopeful smile settling on her face. She looked at the girl, and saw a small, shy smile creep across her face as well.
Only one word could define that look.

Hope.
~Chelseam2

Insane, and, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it!




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Short stories are a difficult genre to write, but I thoroughly enjoyed what you had to say - my only comment is that you have a few comma splices (something I am guilty of as well!) and it might need a bit of grammatical revision. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading your short story and can't wait to see what you would have to do in a larger story!

If you have to time could you please take a look at my short story entitled "The Tragedy". There are two parts to it and I would be grateful if you could read the introduction and just one of the short stories. Either way, keep up the good writing and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.




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Hello! Lofty here to review! (:

A gray, shiny car rolled along the empty side-street in the night. It had just begun to drizzle, and through the window, a young, blond-haired woman could hear the pitter-patter, and the 'shhhhhhhh' of the rain hitting the ground as her car rolled and #FF0000 ">(should this 'and' be here?) slowly and softly along. She could hear the tires crunch quietly over the road's pavement, making a light crushing noise.

Helen did this often, letting the car roll along by itself in the night without her touching the gas-pedal, relaxing after a long, hard day of work. She loved listening to the crickets, when they were out, but was satisfied with the rain that was coming down.

A few drops hit her face, as she stuck her head out the window for a moment to let #FF0000 ">her baby-blue eyes gaze up at the murky sky. It reminded her of dirty, swirling water at the bottom of a lake when the water was stirred up. She squinted against #FF0000 ">(this doesn't sound right to me, is there another word you could use instead?)the rain, and pulled her head back inside, letting her arm dangle out casually, fingers brushing the outside of the door, tapping it absentmindedly.

A figure, coming up the sidewalk, caught her eye, and she turned to look.

A girl, no more than fourteen years old, shuffled haltingly along the sidewalk, drenched and shivering.

Helen's breath caught in her throat, and something jerked at her heart.
#FF0000 "> I like the short, isolated sentences you have used here. they provide tension.

The girl's head was hanging#FF0000 ">; her long, black hair covering her face, and she looked exhausted; both mentally and physically. Solemn eyes, reflecting her suffering, gazed hopelessly out at the horizon before her #FF0000 ">(if her head is hanging, would she be able to look at the horizon?). She wasn't seeming #FF0000 ">didn't seemto be looking at anything in particular, but was in a languid daze.

She was bent over in hunched position, thin arms hugging her waist, fingers gripping her hips, tightly, as if she would fall to pieces if she let go #FF0000 ">(I like this description!). Shoulders stiff, she seemed to be wary of the world around her, stopping her tired, dazed stare to look around for any sign of trouble.

Timid looking, she was tight-lipped and nervous. Her pale face reflected her plight, as her skin was pulled tightly over her high cheekbones, cheeks significantly hollow. It was easy to tell she hadn't had any real food to eat in days.

She continued to shuffle along, letting her feet drag. At one point, she stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk, and nearly collapsed on the grass to her right. She regained her balance, and, ever-so-slowly #FF0000 ">(you shouldn't use hyphens here), continued on her intended route.

Helen couldn't watch the girl any longer, and pulled up alongside the curb. She opened the door, and got out, not surprised when the girl flinched away from her, and moved to the other side of the sidewalk. She stood by the car, and quietly closed the door, not wishing to scare the girl any more than she already had.

"Hey." she said softly, not caring that the rain was seeping into her clothing, leaving her wet and cold. "Whatcha doin' all the way out here, all alone?"

The girl paused, keeping her head down, but peered up at the stranger cautiously. She licked her lips, and Helen could tell she was wondering if she should answer. The girl fidgeted, fingers playing with the string of the drawstring bag she was holding. It was probably her only possession.

"I know you probably don't want to talk to me." Helen began, trying to choose her words carefully. She spoke genuinely, in a deliberate voice, "But, I was watching you, and I couldn't help but notice."

The girl solemnly watched the woman.

"Are you cold? Tired? Hungry?" Helen was indirectly offering her services.

Again, the girl was silent. But, after a minute, she nodded hesitantly.

"If you want." Helen said hopefully, eyes lighting up. "You can come home with me, and I can give you a place to rest and eat." She clutched at the neck of her jacket, tugging it closer towards her. It was so cold. She nearly wished she was back in the car, but there was something more important than warmth.

The girl's brow furrowed, and she seemed to frown before her face relaxed. She bit her lip, arms wrapping tighter around herself.

Helen spoke in a steady, concerned voice, "It's so cold, and no one should be out in a night like this. Please." She begged, "Come home with me. Just come with me, then, in the morning, you can go whenever you want." Helen's voice was hushed at what she said next, "Or, you don't have to go."

The girl's head snapped up, and a faint glimmer sparked in her eye. Her mouth opened, but didn't say a word. Her eyes were wide, almost desperate, and questionate. She wanted it. Should she take it? Hesitantly, she shuffled forward, stopping to stand in front of the woman.

Helen could feel tears welling up in her eyes, as the small girl stared up at her with an awe-struck face, searching her hopefully. She knelt down, letting the girl take a small step back to allow her more room, and embraced the child. She felt her quivering. Such a tiny, fragile frame! It seemed like the girl would break in Helen's arms if she held her too tight. Standing up, she turned to open the backseat door to the car. "Alright. Just slide inside, and we can go home."

The girl inched nervously towards the door, and slid inside, instantly settling into a stiff, introverted position when she was seated.

Helen closed the door, a hopeful smile settling on her face. She looked at the girl, and saw a small, shy smile creep across her face as well.

Only one word could define that look.

Hope.
#FF0000 ">I really liked this short story! I really felt the emotion and atmosphere in the writing, and apart from my little nit-picking comments, I really enjoyed reading it. I loved the images that you created, and the atmosphere was fab. I couldn't find any grammatical errors in the last half. Well done, keep writing!! (:
"Dream your dreams with open eyes, and make them come true"



Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher