Help

I know something is wrong with this poem. I just cant figure it out. Will you give me suggestions?

>When I was at my worst
You showed me the light
When I was ready to give up
You wouldn’t let me
You saved my life more than once
You’re the only one I want
No matter who else comes
This love I have is hard as rock
I love so you so much
For this love I have is un altering

Soleil2005 wrote:When I was at my worst,
You showed me the light.

When I was ready to give up,
You wouldn’t let me .

You saved my life more than once,
You’re the only one I want.

No matter who else comes,
This love I have is hard as rock.

I love so you so much,
For this love I have is un-altering.

Notice how I put in the correct punctuations and seperated it into 2 line stanza's. Thats all I believe is wrong. Theres a lot in this poem. A lot of feeling and emotion. Keep it up.

I like it, but there is no rhythm! You don't have to make it like EXACTLY the same, just a little more... Together.

If you used parallelism, it would be much better.

I.E.

When I was sad
You gave me that hope

When I was mad
You gave me peace.

When I was hungry
You gave me a hamburger

So that's why I'm fat...

Yeah. So you notice that in the first three stanzas, there are the "When I was" / "You gave me" sort of thing. This is called parallelism. If you had more of this, it would flow better.

"I love so you so much"
-One too many so's, I think.

Other than that, everyone's pretty much said what I was going to say. I'd prefer the poem though if you were a little more specific-make it personal to you.