Sinews

Thanks for the review Shear =] I'm glad you liked it. And to answer your question, I don't know why he changed either. I have no idea what happened. This story was based on actual events, i exaggerated on the marriage, but that's about it. That's one of the things I was thinking about when I wrote the piece, I didn't want to put in a reason why, I just knew that it happened, and that's how relationship problems happen sometimes. You don't know why they happen, they just do. So thanks for the review and I'll definitely look at the grammar and punctuation =] Thanks!

Hey.

I am sorry that this is so late, but here I am as requested. First I will nit-pick grammatical errors then I will give you an overall view of what I thought of your piece. Now on to the meat of your review:

I roll over, my face contorted; tear stained and red.

That semi-colon should be a comma. A semi-colon is used to combine two complete sentences with similar ideas. tear stained and red is not a complete sentence because there is no verb. The comma works well because you are just describing your face.

I hold on to myself; grip my arms, curl up my legs.

The semi-colon should be a comma because you are creating a list of things that you did, and commas are used when making list. For example: I ate bread, pudding, and soup. I hit, bit, and kneed that monster.

Instead I choke on my tears as my throat begins to close.

There should be a comma after instead because there is a natural pause there.

My nails dig canyons into my arms.

I love the description here

The alarm clock whispers to me, telling me how late it is with the gentle flashing of its red lights.

Great personification!

You kiss me sloppily; alcohol on your breath, perfume on your clothes.

That semi-colon should be a comma because alcohol on your breath, perfume on your clothes is not a complete sentence; there is no verb.

I try to feel. Feel something, anything.

these sentences should be combined together since neither is a complete sentence.
Here's my suggestion, I try to feel... feel something, anything.

Any love left was gone and I writhed in pain.

There should be a comma after gone because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I remember the night that you had come home angry, you shoved me down, pulled open my legs; you let me know how angry you were with each thrust of the shovel that dug my grave.

this is a run-on sentence. To fix it replace the comma after angry with a period and capitalize the y in you.

I would sponge at my wounds in the bathroom, cover the teeth marks and gashes on my skin; my breasts, my arms.

The semi-colon should be a comma because you are making a list of things: my skin, my breats, my arms.

You think I’m running with you, praising you and you bite my breasts.

There should be a comma after praising you because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I lay down for you, because it is the only way you love me; the only way that you want to love me.

There's no need for the comma after you; get rid of it.

Overall: This was a beautifully written piece! The imagery and description was fantastic. The ending was memorable, leaving a haunting feeling. There were a few mistakes with semi-colons and commas, so if you have any questions about those please PM me or write on my wall.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Rascalover, thank you! That is exactly what I've been looking for. I'm absolutely awful with punctuation, so thank you so much for that =] I'll get on it as soon as I can. Thank you!

Wow Ty, this really is a beautiful and creative piece of writing. As I'm reading all the comments, there's so many words of my own I'm trying to get out. I really like your way with words; the lay out of our simple language is very to the point but passionate as well.
Great work for 17, I wish I had your patience for longer pieces, but I'll stick to poetry
Your story is perfect the way it is
As for the comments made by perdido, this sounds like an excerpt and so it doesn't need to be set in a specific place, and all other details can be discarded because you're focusing on one scene with tons of emotion in play.
Your characters are portrayed wonderfully. We have everything for this scene we need to see the jist of what they're like, how they feel in a nut shell.

Some advice that I've found helpful is: as an author it is not your job to write what you think others will necessarily want to read. Don't restrict your writing skills around what will make others "care" about it. Keep writing what [i]you[/i] enjoy.

I love your writing! Keep it up!

@ Butterfinger, your review thrilled me =] It made my day and I'm happy that you enjoyed it and understood it the way I had meant it to be. your last piece of advice really let me focus on what mattered =] This piece may not have the most likes, but it means a lot to me anyway =] Thanks so much. -Tylyn.