Alice II

Alice grew up in a big city, though, no one knew her.

of course her friends did, they loved her. She got them right when she started school and opened up tp everyone.

But Alice...

She didn't know what to do.

When it came to something personal. something that all teenage girls experience. It's called love.

This disease killed her insides.

It made her uncomfortable to see him.

It made her uncomfortable to be around him.

What could she do? Everyone knew that there was something wrong with her when he was in the room. That little heart in her chest never pounded this hard before.

But, she wasn't sure if this was love.

Umm....

A Short Story - Nike

You weren't kidding.

Was there somewhere you were going with this?

I guess I'll critique what you have here.

Alice grew up in a big city, though, no one knew her.

The "though" isn't necessary because it's not unexpected. The general thought is that in big cities, no one knows anyone because everyone's so busy and there are so many anonymous faces.

of course

Capitalize that.

opened up tp everyone

Typo. "to everyone"

When it came to something personal. something that all ...

Capitalize "something."

This disease killed her insides.

How? Elaborate.

What could she do? Everyone knew that there was something wrong with her when he was in the room. That little heart in her chest never pounded this hard before.

You can delve into the emotion more than this. I know you can. Right now, it's just cliche stuff.

But, she wasn't sure if this was love.

Then what did she think it was?

Aaaand...the story's over.
Again, was there somewhere you were going with this?
Right now, it's just rather superficial--there's no emotion and no motivation and no anything happening. =\

And why the "II" on "Alice II"?


EDIT: I just saw "Toby." Do you intend to write this story in 20 different postings? Not really a good idea. There's no hint that anyone should look for any other parts.

EDIT: okay, now I just saw Alice. I guess that explains the "II." Umm...Okay?

It seems like there should've been a bit more story to it. In my opinion anyway.
I can see this workin' as a big story, you might want to do that. Just a suggestion.
Nice story.

I didn't really understand the point of it. I'm pretty sure you realize this but, Love isn't a disease. Maybe it'd be more easy to follow if you made it longer and discribed what was going on.