YOU

I'm sorry if you get offend by this. It's an open letter to my younger self but also to a old friend, who didn't commit suicide but attempted many times. I was having bad thoughts so i put them down on paper so here is the result. Knowing me, there will be spelling and grammar issues so feel free to tear it to shreds.

Pain…
Is what you don’t know what YOU will never know
The thing YOU want, the thing YOU have created
So there you lie wallowing in a sea of your own self pity
A hole YOU dug for your self, a hole YOU pulled us into

YOU think I do not understand?
YOU think that I have not tasted the blood on my wrists?
Or seen the lies in my eyes?
How dare you judge when YOU are the one judging

Your pleas fall on open ears and empty hearts
Ready for YOU to fill them with your own misery
I hated myself but I hated the whole world
So I hated nothing

But YOU hate me, YOU hate yourself
Yet YOU claw for more, more and more
Never happy with your middle class life
Don’t you see? Don’t YOU understand ?

That it could be worse? But isn’t that want YOU want?
As I watch that black hearse dive down the cemetery drive
YOU got what YOU wanted, our pain, our tears and our hearts
Never yours to take but YOU took them anyway

Call me selfish, call me blind
Your parents unfair, your father a bastard
But then again so are mine, so where hers and so where his
The truth is…

That I hate YOU, I hate YOU for being selfish
For being a fool, for being blind
For loving that feeling that YOU so hated
I hate YOU for cutting, I hate YOU for drinking

I hate YOU, for making me love YOU
But most of all I hate YOU for never trying

But then again … Can I even understand?
Because after all you are you
And you alone know how you feel…

I'm not going to tear it to shreds as I don't work that way
But I'll give it a shot!

Jennya wrote:Pain…
Is what you don’t knowsemicolon what YOU will never know
The thing YOU want, the thing YOU have created
So there you lie wallowing in a sea of your own self pitycomma
A hole YOU dug for your self, a hole YOU pulled us intofull stop.

YOU think I do not understand?I think the 'I' should stand out here rather than the 'you' Just a thought - feel free to ignore it.
YOU think that I have not tasted the blood on my wrists? Again maybe 'I'.
Or seen the lies in my eyes? This to me doesn't make a lot of sense. You can only see your eyes in photos or reflections. Maybe you could say 'feel the lies' instead?
How dare you judge when YOU are the one judgingquestion mark.

Your pleas fall on open ears and empty heartscomma
Ready for YOU to fill them with your own miserycomma
I hated myself but I hated the whole worldcomma
So I hated nothing full stop.

But YOU hate me, YOU hate yourselfcomma
Yet YOU claw for more, more and more comma
Never happy with your middle class lifecomma
Don’t you see? Don’t YOU understand ? I don't see why one 'you' is capitalised here and another isn't.

That it could be worse? But isn’t that want YOU want?
As I watch that black hearse dive down the cemetery drivecomma
YOU got what YOU wanted, our pain, our tears and our heartscomma
Never yours to take but YOU took them anywayfull stop.

Call me selfish, call me blindcomma
Your parents unfair, your father a bastardcomma
But then again so are mine, so where hers and so where his comma
The truth is…

That I hate YOU, I hate YOU for being selfishcomma
For being a fool, for being blindcomma
For loving that feeling that YOU so hatedcomma
I hate YOU for cutting, I hate YOU for drinkingcomma

I hate YOU, for making me love YOUcomma
But most of all I hate YOU for never trying full stop.

But then again … Can I even understand?
Because after all you are you comma
And you alone know how you feel…

Notice how most of my nitpicks were gramatical? YOU have a really good concept here and there are only one or two confusing points for me (which I have pointed out) Keep Posting

Wow. This was an awsome piece girl ! Im impressed ! I, it's like you were talking to me...:/ It really shows the conflicting emotions within you. But please don't you think that love is always better than hate? -__- Wish you all the best, keep writing ! =)

Hello.

Like the reviewer said above, it did feel as if you were talking to me. So I guess what this poem achieves is a strong persona. Although quite honestly, it doesn't read like a poem. I felt like I just stumbled upon a rant diary entry. It does have a lot of strong emotions, I just don't think you communicated that in a poetic manner. You communicated the emotions well enough, I'm just not sure if this execution is well thought out.

The capitalization of YOU probably bothered me the most in this poem. I suppose you can employ it once or twice in order to bring attention to it if it's truly important, although I would suggest using other means to bring attention to certain things in your poetry rather than capitalizing everything. The capitalization of YOU destroyed the rhythm of this poem completely. It puts a stress on the word which makes this poem read really, as you said in your post, like a rant. I'd listen to the rants of my friends but I think rants have to be edited in order to become poetry.

It's also really confused. I'm not even sure what the persona is angry about precisely. It never centers on anything and it's difficult to try to tackle too much in poetry because you end up not being able to expound on the topic properly. The only thing I got from this really, is that the persona is pissed off.

I think you can write about this topic although I really think you can find a way to execute this better. Don't be so obvious in the way you write. There's so much telling here and not much showing. Don't tell the reader that you're mad, or hurt, show him that you're mad. Describe things vividly and at the same time, a little obscurely. This poem is just so obvious in every way. There's nothing for the reader to interpret or think about almost.

The first thing that I believe would help is for you to focus this poem on that one particular emotion, or perhaps one particular event. This sounds more like a series of events that led to your breaking point rant. Once you've got that emotion/event, write about it. Don't be too telling. Show us how you feel. Mask some of it in metaphors and other imagery. Don't just rant. Don't let your emotions get in the way of your poetry.

--Nixie