iced tea

I figured this would be cool to post on a hot day like today -- this was day five's NaPo for me, but I like it a lot and I was hoping to get further feedback on it.

I take a sip - icy, sweet -
on my porch, protected from the
mid-day summer sun.
I eye the land around me, that which is my home.
Underneath blue skies and grassy hills,
their dark skins are sweltering, sticky.
I see one get a cut - a jagged red stream
forms across their leg, yet no one stops to look
or even care.
And me, when the sun arouses my skin in the slightest,
I drink more of the icy sweet concoction
I know they're dreaming of.
I'd give them some, but daddy would
forbid it.

I really loved it hope to see more in the future!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3

Oh my goodness. This is beautiful.

At first I thought you were talking about yourself--I had to re-read the poem after realizing on the last line.

It's a commentary on slavery in a little bit of space! I love it.

Wow! this piece is truely creative! It's so subliminal yet meaningful. I like it.

I'd give them some, but daddy would
forbid it.

This part really shows how you have some emotions for it, but your father is restricting you from your actions.

It really makes you think about the past.

Very nicely written. good job

You've got a lovely start here, but I think there's something lacking in the flow and I'd like to see you do more with your persona. In the first half it could be anyone. I was actually thinking you or a swet old lady in a rocking chair on her porch. There's not enough sense of tone or detail for me. I want to see this child. I want to see her fine, pretty little dress and her shoes discarded by the chair while the slaves have to go without, or dangling from her feet which do no work except to occasionally kick back and forth. Just a few ideas of the detail you could incorporate into this poem!

I eye the land around me, that which is my home.
Underneath blue skies and grassy hills, <<<[I think these two lines need to be spiced up. They're too every day. I'd even rather you say green skies because at least then it would be more interesting Okay so maybe something like, 'The land shifts around me' or even 'The land crawls around me' or 'The land bustles around me' to emphasise that she is stationary? I don't think it's necessary to say it's her home. Maybe you could make it 'My land' if you wanted that possessive touch.]

I see one get a cut - a jagged red stream
forms across their leg, yet no one stops to look
or even care. [<<<< Nooo. She's a child. She should think in the way of her own innocent, child-like world but instead you're speaking though her. Show that she doesn't care and that it doesn't occur to her that this is wrong because thaat would make this so much more effective. Also, think of a more unique way to describe the blood. Maybe even just something like:
'I see one get a cut. Even their blood is sticky,
red and oozing like jam.
He should put a plaster on it,
but I don't suppose he will.
They're not clever like us.']

Annnd that's about all I have for now. I hope this helps you somewhat and let me know if you have any questions,

Heather xx

First off, Eli, where in the world do you live that you can say it's warm out? *is shivering*

Right off the bat I really liked this. Its clean and has just the right amount of description. Everything read very smoothely with the exception of one line:

I see one get a cut - a jagged...

"get" is really the only thing that stood out to me because it seems like such a lazy word. It's really my only nitpick in this whole thing. I'm not sure how to replace/alter it but you're a brilliant girl, Eli; you'll think of something!


One thing I would really try to work on is the voice. It's very mature but the use of the word "daddy" at the end would give way to a belief that she's a good deal younger. The way you use very simple language but at the same time have such a dark theme, balances out nicely in my eyes though this may not be the same in everyone's eyes. Like a psychopathic china doll. I think it's cute, someone else might just think it's, well, psychopathic.

Yep, your poem is a psychopathic china doll....

If you've got any questions, well, you know how to reach me!

~lils

I really liked the imagery in your poem, that's the best thing to happen in a poem, I think that you should have added more because I would have liked the poem to be a little longer, it would have added to the beauty. But thats just my opinion...

Hi! I like the fact that this poem is simple and yet it conveys a message which the reader has to carefully look for. It wasn't really hard for me to find the message to be linked with slavery maybe it is cause am black. Anyways You've certainly got skill to be able to write a simple poem involving today's commodity and linking it with the past world. Keep it up!

At first I thought you were referring to the grassy hills and blue skies that had the sweltering sticky dark skin...xD But I'm tired. So I don't think you should change that. It's just me being slow.

The one part I just flat out don't like is:

Ellie wrote:I see one get a cut - a jagged red stream
forms across their leg, yet no one stops to look
or even care.

First off, as Lily said, "get" is a lazy word. Perhaps change the wording from "I see one get a cut" to something like "A wound opens on the leg of one". Since you wouldn't want to say leg twice, that could easily be replaced with "skin". All I'm saying is that part can be worded a little better.

As for the second part...if you don't look, it implies you don't care, so the third line seems pointless, or out of order. However, if you don't even look let alone care, it makes more sense. I hope you understand this, because I sense that I'm babbling. xD

Don't let my cynicism fool you; I loved it. It's just that one part. Good job, Ellie bean! :3

I thought this was really bitter-sweet. The imagry was beautiful and I really loved the narrative flow. Good job. XXX

I take a sip - icy, sweet -
on my porch, protected from the
mid-day summer sun.
I eye the land around me, that which is my home.
Underneath blue skies and grassy hills,
their dark skins are sweltering, sticky.

liked: dark skins. The enjambment on the second line doesn't work, I'd break it up differently.

I see one get a cut - a jagged red stream
forms across their leg, yet no one stops to look
or even care.
And me, when the sun arouses my skin in the slightest,
I drink more of the icy sweet concoction
I know they're dreaming of.
I'd give them some, but daddy would
forbid it.

you can take out 'even' I think on the third line. 'no one stops to look or care,' is stronger i think. Sentence structure is a little monotonous in the second half, I drink, I know, I'd give, etc. But anyway, I think the poem would benefit from a little condensation, there's a lot of words that are unneeded. There's some good sensory detail and the way everything is put is very simple: there's not a lot of simile or metaphor or language flourishes. It gives it a very pastoral feeling, which i absolutely adore and its something I've never been able to do. You should read Ted Kooser. Other suggestions are just, find a stronger place to end, use active voice, and HAVE FUN.

best,

] I love iced teas! And so is this poem! GREAT!!!!!

Very good. I really liked it.
The ending was very powerful to me. The imagery was very good, too. Over all a beautiful work.

Keep up the awesome work!

~H. C. Smith

Nice! Very well thought and creative. I love the last lines. I'll be looking forward for more of your work!