God the Dealer

Okay, this is my first "proper" post here, so all feedback is greatly appreciated. Give me praise or rip my work to shreds. It all helps!

Just so you know, this isn't my usual writing style. The lack of capitalisation and punctuation, along with the sentences extended with connectives to almost uncomfortable length are a stylistic choice based on the subject matter. Hope you like it though!

_______________

so, in need of a spike you contact God.
he can't hook you up so he sends you downstairs to his pal Lucifer.

he's an angel that lad, literally, and he links you to Miguel. a walking stereotype with a greased back ponytail and a dustpan brush moustache and a half unbuttoned shirt and leather western boots and a look in his eye that shows you the quality of his produce, and while those eyes look you up and down you fear ever so slightly for your life. you pray both that he's not too far gone and that you can go further than him.

and of course Miguel has what you need. an eternal line of cocaine. an untarnished length of snow that could keep one awake forever. the amount of work that could be undertaken under the influence of it all beggars belief. they should give this shit out in schools. they should give this shitoutinofficestheyshouldgivethisshitouttopoliticiYOU SHOULD KEEP THIS SHIT to yourself. and snort.

until it hits your heart.

in an average body it takes 14.6 minutes to feel the effects of a regular line. there's no way you are still going to still be snorting the infinity line at that point. your face is red. your vessels are going to burst. you can feel it in your chest. you are going to die. you must carry on with the blow. carry on with the blow.

go on. you got this coke to give you a buzz, right? it makes sense. you need this energy, you rely on the drug to keep you going. working. the spike you get is perfect for planning the next stage of your worWAIT.

what do you need work for now? thanks to Miguel you're set for life.

b-b-but what about my career?
SUCKING DICK isn't a career. aw, you think with a camera on you you're an "actor?" isn't that just so sweet? JUST FUCKING SNORT IT.

go on. you horrible, terrible man. it was God who hooked you up in the first place. if that's not a sign I don't know what is. he clearly wants you to have this. this powdered pain, dust of despair, he wants you to have it.

all of it.

go on. not one gram is saved for anyone else. he's made you his trash receptacle. for the greater good. you have all the coke and nobody else gets addicted. snort the shit. God wants you dead. you're saving lives through lines.

don't take it the wrong way though, it's a case of simplicity. you die and everyone is better off; not because you died, just because you're dead. understand?

go on. just take the blow. blow it all. blow your troubles away with the glorious power trail. let the plan God laid out blowblowblow you away. blow your troubles away. blow your fucking brains ou-

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I'm aware it's not the most uplifting piece of writing. But I hope you liked it in someway (despite the potentially irritating style ) Any thoughts?

... I don't know what to say to this... I read it twice actually, trying to figure out my view, whether I want to be angry or... I don't even know what. It's fantastic, it's painful and raw and overpowering and so many things that I don't even know the words for to be honest. I love the writing style, no caps, run ons and all. It's absolutely brilliant and it makes me laugh to think of all the people that will read it and nag because the caps are non-existant. It makes people focus on WHAT you're saying instead of how you say it. Like a text message that can be misinterpreted and people getting pissed about it. It just leaves the substance.

I am slightly confused on your view point and I'd love to know how this came about. So much raw material doesn't just generate by itself... usually not at least. But it's really really good and for it I feel like being a stalker and following you =] So thanks.

Hey there! I'll be reviewing this for you today. ^^

so, in need of a spike you contact God.

Remember proper grammar! ^^
The "so" should be capitalized since it's the beginning of a new sentence. Be careful with slip-ups like that.
I noticed that you did this quite a bit so double check your work for little things like that.

shitoutinofficestheyshouldgivethisshitouttopoliticiYOU SHOULD KEEP THIS SHIT to yourself.

I don't like how this is all put together into one ginormous word. Doesn't really make sense...

a walking stereotype with a greased back ponytail and a dustpan brush mustache and a half unbuttoned shirt and leather western boots and a look in his eye that shows you the quality of his produce, and while those eyes look you up and down you fear ever so slightly for your life. you pray both that he's not too far gone and that you can go further than him.

Bolded words - misspelled words.
Underlined words - all ands! xD
Try to vary your descriptions because 'and this and this and this and this' is repetitive and boring to read.

Now, you have a good general idea of what you want to say and I think you know what you're talking about but the way it's written makes it confusing for readers to see what point or which side that you're taking. So let that be a focus point if you decide to rewrite or edit this piece in the future. The thing is, I like it a lot and I did have fun reading it and seeing it come together. It gave me a little something to think about.

The things that you need to work on is grammar and punctuation really. You had a few misspelled words and comma misplacement and errors. Little things like that can make a piece feel quite unprofessional so I would advise you to capitalize what needs to be and put commas where they need to be. Shouldn't be too hard of a task and if you're unsure you can always visit the YWS writing tutorial pages for help.

All in all, it's a good piece but needs some extra juice and some brushing up before it can stand solid on it's own.
I hope this review helped a little and let me know if you have any questions. ^^

Keep writing,
-Shear

Personally, it wasn't my favorite. It's not really my favorite topic. Plus, the grammar, or what ever you want to call it, is sorta, well, messy. PinkShearwater pointed out some big stuff (in my mind). But, if he didn't mention this, you didn't capitalize at the beginning of each sentence. That issue can lead to a bad reputation, if you will call it that.

@tydecker777
Thank you very much, I'm glad it made you think. It is supposed to hold that rawness you talk about, and just "leaving the substance" was my aim

In terms of my view on the issue, I'm very glad that you couldn't glean mine from the text. I try really hard to leave interpretation down to the reader. In this instance however, I'm opposed to excessive/hard drug use but haven't got a massive issue if someone partakes in drug use of their own accord without harming anyone else (and yes, I have done drugs in the past, but it's not something I do regularly at all). The idea itself came when I was trying to avoid writing an essay at about two in the morning. The logical step when trying to find a way to get started working is, of course, to write a story about someone else trying to find a way to start working
/sarcasm

But I'm glad you liked it.

@PinkShearwater & @Bivrax
I do really appreciate all the feedback (I shall make changes to spelling instantly!), but I just wanted to draw attention to what I put at the top of my post before I get a reputation for being a terrible, moronic writer.

"Just so you know, this isn't my usual writing style. The lack of capitalisation and punctuation, along with the sentences extended with connectives to almost uncomfortable length are a stylistic choice based on the subject matter. Hope you like it though!"

The compounding of the sentences, abysmal grammar and lack of capitalisation is a deliberate choice to reflect the depravity, starkness and franticness of the drug addled mind in the story. It probably wasn't the best piece to post as my first on YWS I guess, but I hope this clears up the main issues a little!

Yeah, sometimes I will write in a not-me style.

Personally, I found myself agreeing with both Ty and Shear. I wasn't quite sure what to make of my view on it my first read through. I suppose a lot of that had to do with the style.

I see the angle you were going with the style here, but I also think that you might've been alright without it. I would have still picked up it's raw substance in the same way. You can't fix up great writing this way. I might have even soaked in a little more had you written it with the correct revisions.

But I can't lie that I liked it. I liked the ties you made with drugs and a higher power. And the part about Lucifer as an angel. So true. A fallen angel. xP You made a statement there alone with the link. It contributed to the uniqueness. Great work, but I can say that I think it could be better.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart: This piece is bloody brilliant! I am in love with it! When I was reading I was completely baffled, but in a good way. It's been a long time since I've read anything this artistic. How you made the mood with the writingstyle was amazing. The grammar mistakes are perfect. They're not even mistakes, they're just the frame of the story - and as the story is what it is, the frame fitted it like hand in glove. Either way it's obvious that you didn't forget, haha. You wrote Lucifer with a capital, so anyone would catch on there.

I love the whole contrast between him being in a dump and failing at life, and him following God. It made for an interesting twist.

Great job with the voice! You really managed to make a clear difference in him after he got stoned or whatever you get from cocaine. The smart description of the dealer, and how he described Lucifer (with the ",litterally," comment), I don't know why, but this gave me a feeling of him being a guy with a working brain - the kind of sharp-tounged, casually handsome kind of guy. And when he changed voice or personality or whatever later, it became a great read.

they should give this shitoutinofficestheyshouldgivethisshitouttopoliticiYOU SHOULD KEEP THIS SHIT to yourself. and snort.

Hahahaha, I laughed so much when I finished this sentence!

and of course Miguel does have the thing for you.

I would write "and of course Miguel has it." or something along those lines. "the thing" made it sound as if you were looking for words, couldn't find one and settled for "the thing", so it made for an awkward sentence.

stage of your worWAIT.

This was good! The whole cutting your thoughts off, not being able to focus or keep a line of thought really showed how he was way out of it. I like that you show instead of telling. That really is one of the better qualities a writer can have!

don't take it the wrong way though, it's a case of simplicity. you die and everyone is better off; not because you died, just because you're dead. understand?

I didn't understand and now I'm sad.

blow your fucking brains ou-

Well this ending really just made the whole thing perfect. It was perfect, the whole piece, and the ending was genious.

Well done, this was glorious. Keep it up, I'm looking foreward to whatever comes next.

Hey,

I think it's brilliant. Ditching the capitals was a good idea; same with comma, periods and such. It slightly bothers me how people assume that to have a great story, you need to have everything in the perfect grammatically correct format. Where's the creativity in that? I mean if someone is writing something like:

dis is mah story. its bout gurls who like to shop. one day mandawent to the mal & eat a fries. den she bot sum shoos.

then I guess nitpicking spelling or grammar would be needed, otherwise, let the creativity flow. Amazing piece. (I especially liked the end). KIHOPEDIHELPEDBAI.

Grade: A

~Jas

Huh. I read this through a few times, and I have to say that I really liked it. I love it when people do what they want to language. Grammar rules are meant to be broken, I think, as long as it's broken well. And I think you broke them well, and it really added to the message you were trying to get across.

I love how it read like a thought process, and I loved when the words ran together or stopped.

Not just that, but the idea was great. Brilliant! I loved it. Sure, it could be a bit more polished, a bit more clear, but I liked it a lot as is.

I just wanted to take a quick moment to say thanks to all of you, your feedback is much appreciated, and I'm glad there were some readers who really liked it! I'm glad I gave you something to think about

SmylinG's feedback about presenting the same rawness in a more conventional form has given me some ideas about exploring this concept further. Perhaps the same situation from the viewpoint of those mentioned, I'm unsure yet. But thanks again for all the help.

Indeed, the destruction of the rules here is appropriate. Rules aren't necessarily made to be broken--rules allow us all to communicate in the same language and understand each other. But when it comes to adrenaline, ecstasy, euphoria, the pits of despair--well, the rules can go screw themselves cos there are more important things to tend to.

I think something along those lines is what you mean

and of course Miguel has what you need. an eternal line of cocaine. an untarnished length of snow that could keep one awake forever. the amount of work that could be undertaken under the influence of it all beggars belief. they should give this shit out in schools. they should give this shitoutinofficestheyshouldgivethisshitouttopoliticiYOU SHOULD KEEP THIS SHIT to yourself. and snort.

Great tangent.

-----------------------------------------------

go on. you horrible, terrible man. it was God who hooked you up in the first place. if that's not a sign I don't know what is. he clearly wants you to have this. this powdered pain, dust of despair, he wants you to have it.

all of it.

go on. not one gram is saved for anyone else. he's made you his trash receptacle. for the greater good. you have all the coke and nobody else gets addicted. snort the shit. God wants you dead. you're saving lives through lines.

don't take it the wrong way though, it's a case of simplicity. you die and everyone is better off; not because you died, just because you're dead. understand?

I also like the twisted logic that barrels down on the addicted. I enjoy that you didn't just go the route of "It's good, it's so good, I'm addicted" and instead it's, "Should I be doing this? I can't stop doing this. It should be fine. I can't stop."

I don't know, there's not much to critique about this. My only thought is that this is more like a poem than a short story. Perhaps that's what confused people. One comes to the short story section looking for a plot and characters. But this is just a two-step with an infernal voice bellowing emotions.

The only thing I might critique is that the druggy is a little bit too minor of a presence. All we know is he wants to be an actor and does things on camera for coke. He only gets one line:

b-b-but what about my career?

so he feels more like a device than a person. Perhaps I want to feel at least a little bit of his despair, instead of purely hearing from the commanding coke voice.