The Story of Sampson P Harrison

This is for PhoenixBishop's contest here. The bold words are a part of the contest and this image had to be included.
Part One can be found here.
Pretty please tear this apart!


At six in the morning, Sampson was still awake, scowling at the bottle of vodka on his coffee table. Every hair on his head was standing on end from nervously running his fingers through it.
Before holing up in his apartment, he had skulked through the shelves of the local liquor store, critically examining every label until he found one that didn’t seem quite as threatening as the others. The bottle's glass was smooth and the cherry colored liquid seemed inviting behind the unicorn that smirked up at him from the label.
“Someone’s girl likes the fruity stuff, I see,” the man behind the counter commented, flicking his price gun over the label.
“Something like that,” Sampson answered back, trying to seem nonchalant as he handed over a twenty and some spare coins.
“Well good luck.” The man handed back his change and winked at him.
Sampson paused as he walked towards the door, clumsily clutching his bottle at the neck through the brown paper back. Plastered against the wall over a rack of magazines was a large print sign that said “Drink Responsibly.”
But the clock was ticking and he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He unscrewed the bottle top and sniffed. His nose wrinkled up tight and he cringed. “Bottoms up.”
The vodka smoldered as it traveled down his throat, spinning a path down into his stomach. He chugged violently, not daring to come up for air until the bottle was nearly empty. Every inch of his lips, tongue and teeth were screeching for him to stop and a stunt in his breathing came close to sending a fountain of cherry liquid into the air.
His lungs were screaming under the pressure of the alcohol and the bottle dropped from his hand and down to the floor, the remaining few dribbles staining the crème colored carpet. Sampson bent down to grab for it, wrapped his fingers around the glass and then shot back up, his head reeling.
For a moment, he just sat there, sticky sweet liquid congealing like blood around his fingers. Everything in the room swung back and forth.
Resting the bottle back on the coffee table, he stood up and leaned his weight against the arm of the couch. “Air,” he grumbled and shuffled towards the door, supporting himself against the walls as he moved. It seemed like the last logical thing to do but the comfortable grumble of the Renault seemed to call him. The comfort of work. The familiarity of the register under his fingers and the price gun wrapped up in his hands.
He wasn’t sure how he had made it back down the stairs and he couldn’t remember when he had grabbed the keys but they were in his hands, firm and warm.
In the pre-dawn sunlight, the Renault looked safe and consistent. Nothing about it was new or out of the ordinary. Jennifer had been wrong. He didn’t need to do anything adventurous. He had been happy up until now with his brain whirling around in his head and his heart racing.
“Damn it.” The key missed the ignition and his knuckle scrapped against an exposed screw. But at the third try, the metal was safely in and he turned the engine over.
It was irresponsible and reckless but he hardly worried about that. As long as he was safely at the store, it would all be okay. Things would go back to normal.
The sun hovered just on the edge of the skyline as he trolled down the street. “Smooth and easy,” he whispered. Even as his eyes threatened to droop closed, he didn’t dare lose his focus on the road lined by drainage ditches on either side.
Someone honked from behind him and before he knew it, a grey minivan was blurring past him, an agitated older woman gesturing angrily at him as she went. “Smooth and easy. Don’t fall asleep. Smooth and…” his chant went on, the rhythm becoming soothing. “…fall asleep. Smooth…”
The collision thrust his forehead into the steering wheel and it took a moment before his arms reached forward to take hold of the dashboard and push himself up. Blood dripped from his face into the crotch of his pants making them a bit more interesting then they had once been.
Vomit-green eased up through the front end and tickled over his toes. Everything was spinning and his head began to drip forward. Somewhere nearby, he faintly realized that sirens were blaring and people were screaming at him from the road.
And for the first time in his life Sampson P Harrison became just a little be less average.

Hey lily!

I have read part one, but Azila did such an awesome job on reviewing it, that I would have just ended up writing a pointless review. I'll try and make up for my lack of review on the first part by going through this for you

1. Nit-piks -

bottle of vodka on this coffee table.

I think you mean for 'this' to be 'his'

Every hair on his head was standing on end from running his fingers nervously through it.

The second part of this sentence reads a little awkwardly. Maybe try something like -

'Every hair on his head was standing on end from nervously running his fingers through it.'

end from running his fingers

running his fingers over every label

I noticed you used the phrase 'running his fingers' twice within a matter of sentences. Maybe try using a different word in the first example by changing 'running' to 'combing'

The bottles glass was smooth

Try - 'The glass bottle was smooth'

“Something like that,” Sampson answered back, trying to seem nonchalant, handing over a twenty.

The part after the speech seems too much like a run on sentence. Try re-wording it to something like -

'“Something like that,” Sampson answered back, trying to seem nonchalant as he handed over a twenty.'

spinning a path down into a stomach.

'a' should be 'his'

Sampson paused as he walked towards the door, clumsily clutching his bottle at the neck through the brown paper back. Plastered against the wall over a rack of magazines was a large print sign that said “Drink Responsibly.”
But the clock was ticking and he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He unscrewed the bottle top and sniffed. His nose wrinkled up tight and he cringed. “Bottoms up.”

Sorry to quote such a large chunk of writing, but this part confused me a little. One minute he's at the store and the next he appears to be back home - it goes on to refer to the coffee table again, so I guess that's where he drinks the vodka. The change of scene from store to home is a bit unclear. I know at the start of this, he's at home and then you tell us about his trip to the store, but then it's like he's suddenly back to being at home again. Maybe space the bit quoted above out a little more so that the reader knows that there's a change of scene or time has passed -

'Sampson paused as he walked towards the door, clumsily clutching his bottle at the neck through the brown paper back. Plastered against the wall over a rack of magazines was a large print sign that said “Drink Responsibly.”

But the clock was ticking and he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He unscrewed the bottle top and sniffed. His nose wrinkled up tight and he cringed. “Bottoms up.”'

He wasn’t sure how he had made it but down the stairs

You don't need 'but'

when he grabbed

'when he'd grabbed'

a grey minivan was blurring past him, and agitated looking older woman gesturing

This should either be -

'a grey minivan was blurring past him, an agitated looking older woman gesturing'

or

'a grey minivan was blurring past him, and an agitated looking older woman gesturing'

Water seeped in threw the front end.

'through'

just a little be less

Nix 'be'

2. Overall impressions -

I do like this. Your writing is nice and you held my interest all the way through both parts. The things I've pointed out really are minor and once they're corrected, I think you'll have a great piece

I hope this review helps and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

Sistah love!

Well, first thing, good title and creating an atmosphere suited to it.
And Dudette did all the nit-pickiness, so I can skip right past it.

Now, this may sound slightly hypocritical, but the atmosphere starts off a little too laidback/boring. (Can't put my finger on it. Maybe add a little description/actions to spice it up?)
Also; can you not bold the words used. (It affects my reading comprehension and then, I reread it to analyze it. Which you don't want. I guess it'd be nicer if I read it in one flow and then you tell me what words you used.

He chugged violently, not daring to come up for air until the bottle was nearly empty. Every inch of his lips and tongue and teeth were screeching for him to stop but didn’t quit until the bottle was nearly half gone.

While I get your premise for this, it read awkwardly. Try rephrasing. And maybe give some more emotions/gestures. I'd like to get to know him more.

Resting the bottle back on the coffee table, he stood up and leaned his weight against the arm of the couch.

This may be me being very nitpicky, but I can't picture a guy leaning on a couch. IN my head, couches are low. Maybe chair?

Sampson paused as he walked towards the door,... “Drink Responsibly.”

This is one place where I think you could add more stuff. It seems choppy and inserted only to get the word in. For us to get to know Sampson better.

Wait. I had this mix up and thought this was part one. Silly me.
So, a quick comment on part one. Really good incorporation of the words. Good details and dialogue, and description. One nitpick - When you spoke of the henna tattoo, it sounded as if she's always had them. From the little I know of of the other side of the world, Henna tattoos can be pretty expensive and not something a store clerk can afford every month or so, right? (psst, do you know it's good for your hair? For better growth. But then you'd need dark hair so that the colour doesn't show. )


Onto this one now.

The sudden shift from the timeline is weird for me. I would prefer the liquor store first and then, show him at home.

Now the end needs a lot of work. Good idea, but you need to make it more dramatic or it ends like a story of some average guy who died. Maybe show us some hallucination. Work with imagery. This part has a great potential to work with imagery and you should exploit it. A- he's drunk. B-accident+drown.
Show us what her's thinking, even if it stupid and maybe some of the outside as well.

Overall, while the atmosphere is good, it needs to be upped. The first part was definitely better and you'll have to work on this so that the flow works out fine.

EDIT: There goes my palindrome.

Hey, Lily! I don’t know the purpose of the contest, but if it was to merge the words as seamlessly into the story as possible, I’d give you my vote!*
I noticed a few nit-picks, I’ll list those first:

Italicized is Grammar and Style.
Underlined is Spelling.
Strikeout is simple. Cut!
Bold is the words you were required to put in.
Red is my own words

Every hair on his head was standing on end from running his fingers nervously through it.
Before holing up in his apartment, he had skulked through the shelves of the local liquor store, running his fingers over every label until he found one that didn’t seem quite as threatening as the others.

Okay, with these two sentences, I just found that you use the verb ‘running’ twice. I think you can handle that.

“Something like that,” Sampson answered back, trying to seem nonchalant, handing over a twenty.
“Well good luck.” The man [i]handed back his change and winked at him.

Here, you have two verbs in the same tense right after each other. The verbs ‘trying’ and ‘handing’ are separated by a comma, but they seem too awkward even then. Here’s my suggested correction:
“Something like that,” Sampson answered back, trying to seem nonchalant as he handed over a twenty.
Also, the verb ‘handing’ is redundant.

Sampson paused as he walked towards the door, clumsily clutching his bottle at the neck through the brown paper back. Plastered against the wall over a rack of magazines was a large print sign that said “Drink Responsibly.”

What is it with this sign? You dropped it immediately afterwards (unless the ‘but’ in the next sentence is structured against it) and there’s really no point to it. I would expect Sampson so scoff at it or think about it a bit.
As is, it seems as though you put it in there to grease ‘print’; which was mandatory. It’s the only instance where I found the contest’s words to be awkward.

But the clock was ticking and he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He unscrewed the bottle top and sniffed. His nose wrinkled up tight and he cringed. “Bottoms up.”

Here you have a change of scene, yet you do not describe any of it. In once sentence, Sampson is leaving the liquor store, in the next, he’s at his apartment, chugging down vodka. Rework!

The vodka [u]smoldered[u] as it [u]travelled[u] down his throat, spinning a path down into a stomach. He chugged violently, not daring to come up for air until the bottle was nearly empty.

My spelling checker picked up the words ‘smoldered’ and ‘traveled’, but its suggested corrections are British, I think. I was given the options of ‘smouldered’ and ‘travelled’.
Anyways, ‘down’ is redundant.

Every inch of his lips and tongue and teeth were screeching for him to stop but didn’t quit until the bottle was nearly half gone.

“But didn’t”? I think you missed a word there.
Also, a ‘bottle’ cannot be ‘nearly half gone’. Vodka can be nearly half gone; a bottle can be nearly half empty.

The bottle dropped from his hand and down to the floor, staining the crème colored carpet.

I find that you use ‘bottle’ too often. Now, I don’t really have a suggestion for remedying that, but I think you can figure out a way.
Also, the ‘down’ here and the ‘down’ in the next quoted section are right after each other. Redundancy.
Finally, ‘crème colored’ sounds very awkward. I suggest you cut it completely and just say ‘carpet’.

Sampson bent down to grab for it, wrapped his fingers around the glass and then shot back up, his head reeling.

I find that ‘to grab for it’ just overlaps with the action described in the next phrase, “wrapped his fingers around”, thus being redundant. I hate redundancy, as you have probably observed.

For a moment, he just sat there, sticky sweet liquid congealing like blood around his fingers.

Sat? I thought he was standing. “…and then shot back up”
Also, just a suggestion: “…like blood around his fingers and lips.”

Everything in the room swung back and forth.

Really? Man, this guy got drunk fast. Unless vodka works faster than normal alcoholic beverages; I wouldn’t know. XD

Jennifer had been wrong.

This just jumped off the screen, slapped me in the face and then jumped back again before I could return the favour.
Seriously though, it does drop in a little unexpectedly. Try transitioning the idea a little less like a paratrooper and more like a…um…flying panda.

But at the third try, the metal was safely in and he turned the engine over.

Starting a sentence with ‘but’ is never a good idea. But still, I think you could go with it if you think it’s okay.
No, not really. Change it.
Plus, what does ‘turned the engine over’ mean? My understanding of it is that he gave it gas and idled it for a while, or maybe you just mean that he started it. Some things just don’t work for me, sorry.

Someone honked from behind him and before he knew it, a grey minivan was blurring past him, and agitated looking older woman gesturing angrily at him as she went.

Can you say ‘an’, children?

“…fall asleep. Smooth…”

I love how his chant actually lulls him to sleep! Here, merging the end of one part and the beginning of another makes it just a perfect sequence. Don’t change this!

Water seeped in threw the front end.

Wow, somebody ‘threw’ that water pretty hard. It should be ‘through’

And for the first time in his life, through one stunt, Sampson P Harrison became just a little be less average.

Cut!

Done!
Overall, it was a somewhat middling story. Not much happens, and not much explanation is given as to why Sampson drinks himself drunk and then drives to work. You seem to have attempted to explain with that Jennifer thing, but beyond that not much else.
Try to work a little more info into it, unless the contest has a word limit, in which case I completely understand.
Thanks for the refreshing read!
Jenth

*Just as a safety fallback, here’s a disclaimer: I might not possibly vote mainly depending on certain and various issues including but not limited to atmospheric and barometric pressure, altitude and longitude, depth and latitude, and overall quiddity. Also, I don’t think the contest will needing votes. XD



I’ve included a little special something. I’m not sure if you’ll find it encouraging or not. It’s a readability statistic thing that Microsoft Word does for me. I’ve tried it on my own work and of famous authors, and your grade level is pretty much lower than what I’ve seen before, sorry.
However, on the bright side, not even Asimov got a 0% passive sentence stat, so you can rejoice over that, I guess.
As for reading ease, I rarely get up to 70 and beyond. XD

Ah, shoot, I forgot to attach the image. Here it is now.

#FF8000 ">Phoenix lands for a review

Since this is continuation I will simply give the overall.

Sampson did develop a little bit, but the whole piece still seemed to be lacking. I’m aware it is a short story and I’m aware that the overall goal of the piece was completed as the last line suggests, but to use one of my own words. It just seemed lackluster.
Then again I could also look at this as a brilliant writing choice on your part as the setting and character are “average” and thus the narrative is average to reflect that. If that is the case then I must say you’re a bloody genius because if I tilt my head to the side I can see how it could be a purposeful choice to create a overall mood and tone.
Again the writing in itself was superb and the words were integrated well.

Sorry for the shortness, but the others kind of hit the major points already.

#FF8000 ">Phoenix flies away.