The Story of Sampson P Harrison

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This is for PhoenixBishop's contest here. The bold words are a part of the contest and this image had to be included...but that's in the second half. So...yeah.
Part Two can be found here.
Pretty please tear this apart!


Sampson P. Harrison was very possibly the most average of average men.
At twenty-three, he stood just below six feet, his hair was a lackluster shade of brown, and his eyes, although a darling green, were often lost beneath a ridge of thick black eyebrows that touched in the middle like the arched wings of birds. And in almost any case, the thicket above his eyes was less of an exotic trait and more of a physical blunder.
His personality was as equally devoid of interest as his appearance. His mother, charming, sweet, and as maternal as any mother could be, had always thought it concerning that her boy was so shy. And she had been even more concerned when, at seventeen, he still hadn’t shown an interest in women. She had been rather relieved, however, when he had reassured her that he was not, in the least, interested in men.
He just wasn’t interested, nor was he interesting.
For the last three years, he’d stood behind the counter of a slowly dilapidating convenience store, wielding a price gun and sweating bullets under the Florida heat. Over time, he had become a great acquaintance with Mrs. Sorenson, a humpbacked widow with dysadaption who visited regularly for cat food. Yet in all of her visits, Sampson had not once observed cat hair on her crocheted sweaters or smelled the faint tinge of feline on her when she would waddle by. And even though he was quite certain that Mrs. Sorenson was without any sort of kitten companions, he had never questioned her purchases.
Outside, parked beneath a batch of Leitneria trees, sat his ten year old, dark blue Renault. It had, at one time, been a shining example of automotive affordability. But after the passenger door had been lost to the ravages of a over-modified Ford pickup and the door of a sable, slightly older Renault had taken it's place, his car suddenly seemed almost too interesting for him to possess.
Sampson watched the clock impatiently. His shift was supposed to have ended twenty minutes ago but Jennifer, the waif of a girl who was supposed to replace him, still hadn’t shown up. Not that it mattered much. The store was empty aside from the trio of teenagers who had gathered near the slushie machine, whispering to one another. If it hadn’t been for the sun beating down on him through the store window, swelled to the brim with schadenfreude, he wouldn’t have cared less whether Jennifer ever showed up.
One of them wandered off out of sight for a moment and returned, his arms garnished with a dozen (at least) plastic-wrapped snack cakes. The other two, catching sight of him, grabbed up their frost-coated plastic cups and sluggishly dragged themselves down the candy aisle towards him.
Before the boys even made it to the counter, the back “Employees Only” door flew open and a dash of pink ran up behind the counter.
“Hey there, Sammy,” Jennifer chimed, throwing her red apron on over her pink dreadlocks. He had always recognized that in an awkward way, she was rather pretty. She had big dark eyelashes hiding her blue eyes and small, bright red lips. If it weren’t for the half-dozen pieces of metal that decorated her thin, over-plucked brows and the mask of exotic henna tattoos running in a cheetah print down her left cheek, she would have been just on the verge of gorgeous.
“Hey, Jen,” he answered back, stepping away from the register. The day had been dragging and Sampson didn’t hesitate to jerk his own apron off over the top of his head. Jennifer quickly rang up the boys and snapped away a twenty from the tallest of the three with an erinaceous head of sandy blond hair spiked into thin points. His sunglasses were too big for his face and seemed a sniffle away from slipping off of his nose.
Jennifer must have known them from somewhere and they chackled back and forth while Sampson counted the register. It was mind-numbingly monotonous work and he enjoyed it.
Once the boys had left, Jennifer glanced back to see if Sampson was still there. “How’s everything been?” she asked, her attention focused on the small magnetic mirror that had been clipped onto the back of a rack of gum. She grabbed her hair up off of her neck and whisked it back into a bright orange scrunchie.
“It’s been slow,” he answered under her sharp eyes. “There’s really nothing to report.”
“Thank goodness. I’ve got plans tonight so I’m hoping to get out of here soon.” She fiddled with the chunk of chlorine embolite around her neck. The tangerine-colored lump of mineral seemed ready to crumble off of its chain at any moment but she hardly noticed, drifting off into a momentary daze. “What about you? Any plans for the evening, Sammy?”
He shook his head.
“Oh come on. There must be something going on?” Jennifer hopped up onto the counter and crossed one long leg over the other.
“Nope.” Sampson had the same plans for every evening; Cheerios and sitcoms. If he was feeling particularly adventurous, he would possibly stop by the local video store and consider renting a comedy. But tonight, it would just be Seinfeld reruns.
Jennifer’s lips fell from her usual smile and he could tell that she was ready to flite him. “You know, it really can’t be healthy the way you live. You’re here every day and then you go home to do nothing except wait to come back here in the morning. You’re the inflicter of your own misery, Sam.”
Sampson wasn’t sure how to react. Part of him knew that she was right but a bigger part of him was shocked that she cared. Her gaze was severe and he understood that she didn’t want to let him look away. But he couldn’t handle the weight in her sad eyes and without a word, he dropped his apron onto the back counter and walked outside.
The sun was still growling at him, big and hungry. It didn’t help that the shadow had shifted since he had first come to work and his Renault sat in the heat, the paint slowly seeming to fade out of sight in front of him.
Sampson hopped into the car and stared at the dashboard, too irritated to ignite the beast.
“She has no right to talk to me like that. What does she know about living?” he grumbled at the radio dials. “She’s seventeen. She doesn’t know anything.” He popped the key into the ignition and the Renault purred to life. “I’ll show her.”
Last edited by lilymoore on Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:17 am, edited 2 times in total.
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hi, Lily. Here to review as requested bribed. ^_~ I have to say, I was surprised to see this. I thought you were purely a poet! Be warned, though: I'm in a rather nit-picky mood just now.

And in almost any case, the ticket above his eyes was less of an exotic trait and more of a physical blunder.
Might just be me, but this sentence doesn't really make sense. Did you mean to say "And as in almost any case..." or am I just being characteristically daft?

His personality was as equally devoid of interest as his physique.
That word feels out of place to me. "Physique" means, body-type and physical fitness and such, right? But while you've mentioned that a little in the previous paragraph, the bulk of it is more about his physical appearance. Maybe replace "physique" with "appearance?"

And she had been even more concerned when, at seventeen, he still hadn’t shown an interest in woman.
While this does have a very general, sort of biblical feeling to it, I'm tempted to think you meant to say "women." ^_~

He just wasn’t interested, nor was he interesting.
Teehee!

For the last three years, he’d stood behind the counter of a slowly dilapidating convenience store, wielding a price gun and sweating bullets under the Florida heat.
Nice imagery with the heat... but isn't everything in Florida air-conditioned? I get the image that he's outdoors, and I'm not sure whether or not that's what you wanted.

And even though he was quite certain that Mrs. Sorenson was without any sort of kitten companions, he had never questioned it.
This seems as though the "it" is referring to the fact that Mrs Sorenson doesn't have kittens, and since you just said that he's quite certain of it, it seems odd to say that he had never questioned it. I know that's not what you meant, but that's how the syntax reads (to me, anyway). Maybe try something more like: "And even though he was quite certain that Mrs. Sorenson was without any sort of kitten companions, he had never questioned her purchases."

But after the passenger door had been lost in to the ravages of a over-modified Ford pickup and the door
Yes? What happened after that? I am in such suspense! I suggest you check for rodents in your computer, lily, since your sentence seems to have been nibbled. (Also, this is a place where "into" should, in fact, be one word.)

If it hadn’t been for the sadistic sun beating down on him through the store window, swelled to the brim with a sense of schadenfreude, he wouldn’t have cared less whether Jennifer ever showed up.
Schadenfreude! I love that word! However, I don't think you need "a sense of" here. Also, saying "sadistic" and "schadenfreude" in the same sentence seems rather repetitive to me, since they're practically synonyms.

One of them wandered off out of site for a moment and returned, his arms garnished with a dozen (at least) plastic-wrapped snack cakes.
*sight.

If it weren’t for the half a dozen pieces of metal that decorated her thin, over-plucked brows and the mask of exotic henna tattoos running in a cheetah print down her left cheek, she would have been just on the verge of gorgeous.
I like this. ^_^ However, I think "half a dozen" would work better in this case if you changed it to "half-dozen." Might just be me, though.

The day had been dragging. And he didn’t hesitate to jerk his own apron off over the top of his head.
These could use to be joined together, methinks. I suggest a comma rather than a period after "head."

Jennifer quickly rang up the boys and snapped away a twenty from the tallest of the three with an erinaceous head of sandy blond hair, spiked about finely.
Finely what? I suspect the rodents have been at work again.

Sampson had the same plans for every evening, Cheerios and sitcoms.
(Semi-)colon rather than comma?

Part of him knew that she was right but a bigger part of him was shocked that she cared if even a little.
In my opinion, the "if" is causing more problems than it's resolving. I'd nix it, thus: "...shocked that she cared even a little."

Her eyes were severe and she didn’t want to let him look away. But he couldn’t handle the weight in her sad eyes and without a word, he dropped his apron onto the back counter and walked outside.
I'm not a fan of this repetition here. Maybe try replacing "sad eyes" with "them" and adding "sad" before the first "eyes," thus: "Her sad eyes were severe and she didn’t want to let him look away. But he couldn’t handle the weight in them and without a word, he dropped his apron onto the back counter and walked outside." And I'm also uncertain as to what, exactly, you're trying to portray about her eyes. "Sad" and "severe" have (for me anyway) very different connotations. Unless you capitalize on that contrast, it can get a little muddy.

It didn’t help that the shadow had shifted since he had first come to work and his Renault sat in the heat light, the paint slowly seeming to fade out of site in front of him.
First underline: you should have either "heat" or "light," but not both, methinks. Second underline: that should be "sight." ^_~

Sampson hopped into the car and started at the dashboard, too irritated to ignite the beast.
I'm not sure I understand this. Should that be "stared" instead?
-----

That's it for the nit-picks! Sorry that there were so many--I got a little carried away, I think.
-----

Okay. There were some really amusing moments in this. I especially liked your description of Sam in the beginning. It was very surreal and satirical, and amusing. In fact, the whole piece has a sort of dry, wry humor to it that's very crisp and tongue-in-cheek. For some reason, I think there's something very American about the feel of this... but I can't really put my finger on what makes me think that. Anyhow, I'm getting side-tracked. I like the style of humor in this piece, and it was fun to read. I also have a feeling I know how that picture is going to be included, and... um... I'm sorry for Sam, but it's still rather amusing to know a bit of his fate (or at least the fate of his car).

I have a few problems with this piece, though. One of these is the typos; there were rather a lot of them. I think I've pointed out most of them, so I'm not going to dwell on this, but I did find misspellings and stuff like that a little distracting while I was reading. Plus, they gave the piece a sense of carelessness that made me think you hadn't taken the time to read it over before posting it, even if you actually did.

Another thing that annoyed me this was the bold words. Do they have to be in bold? Because right now it's hard for me to judge whether or not you used them well since they automatically stand out to me because of their boldness. I think you used most of them pretty well, but it's sort of hard for me to tell. So unless it's one of the rules for the contest, I'd rather not have the first thing I notice about the words be that they are bold. Does that make sense? Of course, if you had to do that for the contest then please ignore the rambling madwoman behind the Totoro avatar.

As for the plot... I'm not really sure. I'm on the fence as to whether the wit of the writing style will be enough to support this piece. I mean, you have a completely boring main character and (from what I can see) a fairly boring setting and premise--and that's the point. You did that to be comical. I'm just not sure it will be comical enough to save it. I guess I'll just have to wait and see with the second part of this, but I'm just warning you: if you haven't got a hilarious ending in mind, you may be doomed.

I hope this helps and doesn't seem too harsh! Of course, PM me or write on my wall if you have anything you want to tell/ask me. ^_^

Ta ta for now.

a




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Beware the Azilas, bearing reviews. ;)
Seriously, after Azi gets through a piece, there's nothing let over for any one else to nitpick.
Nice work, though!
Jenth
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#FF8000 ">Phoenix lands for a review.

I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this, but here I am. It seems the others got to the meat of it so I will just give general impressions.

Writing.
You are really good at mixing sentence structures and words to create the appropriate images. The beginning is an example of this, while I don’t like the direct description of Sampson I do like how it is written and can overlook the telling account of his features. Like Azila said it has a edge of humor to it that allows it to work. The personality bit is a little harder to look past as that really can never be just told to you affectively in my opinion. Again it was well written though.

Word Blending.
Considering the words I gave you, it is nice to see how you blended them in. If this contest was still running you would have gotten Bo coup points for your blending. Your other word choice around the words support the words given and give the whole piece a high level of diction.

Characters:
Sampson is basically given to use on a plate at the very start of the piece, which is not good, but I will admit that you took the description of him from the start and those character features adequately are shown in his further action and speech. So I give a continuity nod. Sometimes I read a given character description on personality and then future actions simply do not mesh up. This was not the case here. I do think the characters could use a little fleshing out and integration of the beginning part throughout the piece.

Plot
It has a slow start, and for the most part is void on genuine conflict at this point, but towards the end after the girl made the comment about his life I saw potential in the stories plot. It seems to be a kind of “Coming of age” story. For lack of a better term. This of course means the characters need to be a little more defined as such a piece is primarily character driven.

Overall.
Not really my type of story, but like I said it was very well written and the words were integrated superbly. I will also like to note that the dialogue at times seems a bit stilted. For some reason it does not seem real to me in most cases. I think it’s due to the fact that the character need more development. I could not say for sure being as that I did not have many entries but I’m fairly sure you would have placed in the contest if it had continued.

#FF8000 ">Phoenix burst into flames.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~



Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
— Mark Twain