Our World

Okay, so this is just a rough shot at poetry. Critique would be much appreciated! I know the theme isn't completely clear but... I couldn't think of a way to make it more clear. Maybe you could help with that? Anyways... like I said before, helpful critique is needed. No, it's not needed, it's mandatory. Oh, and by the way! I use the word 'skank' in it so if you're not comfortable with that word well... suck it up! So I'm done blabbering now... hope you enjoy!



I sit here wondering why
Seeing all these people passing by
The rush and the hurry to get somewhere,
Never taking the time to stop and care

Well dressed men and women
Orange skinned skanks on television
Models that are practically bare
People who are extremely unfair
These are the people that dominate our society
Most cold and hard plastic shells, not much of a variety

The business women with their perfect hair
And men in suits, who don’t have time to spare
Do they notice this world?
The sky? The clouds?
Or does polluting it make them proud?

But who can make them notice our planet?
The birds, the trees, the flowers, the bees?
And who can create a larger variety?
Brave souls who can make people stop and see
What they’re doing to our home
Why I think those people are you and me

You asked for a critique, so I'm gonna fire both barrels. (I'm not sure that last part makes sense.)

You sit here wondering why..... what, exactly? It sounds like those two lines are worded just so they'll rhyme--try expanding what you're wondering about and going from there.
And care about what? I know you sort of address is in the latter part of the poem, but can you see how the beginning is somewhat ambiguous?

Where are these well dressed men and women? Are you still sitting watching the world go by, or are you watching tv now? Because you switch suddenly to what's on tv. (Jersey Shore?)
And what do scantily clad models have to do with anything? Are they a problem because of the racy billboards they grace? Are they corrupting the youth?
How are these people extremely unfair? What are they doing? Are they showing favoritism? Abusing power? What?
How are they dominating our society? You mentioned television, is it because Americans tend to watch a lot of tv? How are they influential?

Does perfect hair indicate an obliviousness to pollution?
Otherwise, I like this stanza--however, what about the sky and clouds indicate pollution? Are the clouds smog? Is the sky an eerie color?

Are the animals the ones who will make them notice, or are you trying to get them to care about the animals? It's not very clear here.
I didn't understand until just now that you're suggesting we should speak out and make people pay attention to the environment. Maybe, "#FF0000 ">Where are the brave souls who can make people stop and see"
Though I'm not sure I like that either. (I'm picky.)

Don't be discouraged--I actually like this, and I think it has potential. I just wanted you to see the questions it might raise, so you can try to make things clearer to the reader.
I can't tell you how to fix it, though. Play around with words, use a thesaurus, expand on the ideas you have here.
And have fun.

You asked for a critique, so I'm gonna fire both barrels. (I'm not sure that last part makes sense.)

You sit here wondering why..... what, exactly? It sounds like those two lines are worded just so they'll rhyme--try expanding what you're wondering about and going from there.
And care about what? I know you sort of address is in the latter part of the poem, but can you see how the beginning is somewhat ambiguous?

Where are these well dressed men and women? Are you still sitting watching the world go by, or are you watching tv now? Because you switch suddenly to what's on tv. (Jersey Shore?)
And what do scantily clad models have to do with anything? Are they a problem because of the racy billboards they grace? Are they corrupting the youth?
How are these people extremely unfair? What are they doing? Are they showing favoritism? Abusing power? What?
How are they dominating our society? You mentioned television, is it because Americans tend to watch a lot of tv? How are they influential?

Does perfect hair indicate an obliviousness to pollution?
Otherwise, I like this stanza--however, what about the sky and clouds indicate pollution? Are the clouds smog? Is the sky an eerie color?

Are the animals the ones who will make them notice, or are you trying to get them to care about the animals? It's not very clear here.
I didn't understand until just now that you're suggesting we should speak out and make people pay attention to the environment. Maybe, "#FF0000 ">Where are the brave souls who can make people stop and see"
Though I'm not sure I like that either. (I'm picky.)

Don't be discouraged--I actually like this, and I think it has potential. I just wanted you to see the questions it might raise, so you can try to make things clearer to the reader.
I can't tell you how to fix it, though. Play around with words, use a thesaurus, expand on the ideas you have here.
And have fun.

Hi:)
You've got the ryhming down pat and a good deep theme behind it. You don't need to make the meaning clearer- poetry is supposed to be a little ambiguous. It's meant to be analysed. If anything i think it lacked ambiguity you need more metaphors, similes etc like the line about cold hard shells. Your telling the reader what's hapenning instead of showing them. So next time try and hide your overall meaning behind imagery and metaphors instead of simply stating things. So just write more lines like the shell bit and you'll improve! Keep writing

I sit here wondering why
Seeing all these people passing by
The rush and the hurry to get somewhere,
Never taking the time to stop and care

You've give up what the entire poem is about right up front.

The business women with their perfect hair
And men in suits, who don’t have time to spare
Do they notice this world?
The sky? The clouds?
Or does polluting it make them proud?

Very, very, very good verse! Love this!

But who can make them notice our planet?
The birds, the trees, the flowers, the bees?
And who can create a larger variety?
Brave souls who can make people stop and see
What they’re doing to our home
Why I think those people are you and me

This verse is a bit ambiguous, and some lines don't make a whole lot of sense.

I like the message, but it's a bit bogged down in this poem.
The rhyming is nice, but it doesn't always work here.
I'd try giving it a bit more life and reworking a few lines here and there.