A good day

It is almost nine o' clock at night. Inside her home, a young woman watches out her window for a moment before wandering into her home to turn on some heaters. Midst of March with very odd weather patterns. Though somewhat humid earlier, it is now heavily damp and cold. As she made her way back up to her living room, the sound of jumbling keys could be heard outside the front door which soon made way for her husband.


"He-.. Oh wow, babe. You're soaked! What happened?" She asked him almost in shock as he made his way in drenched with cold rain. "Only the best day ever!" he quite happily replied as he dropped his briefcase, shivering as he tried to remove his large jacket. "I thought you had the car! What happened to you, baby?" she helped him remove his jacket and followed him as he made his way toward the heaters. Seeing they were already on, he smiled and she continued to follow him as he made his way to the living room once more. "Well, for starters, today was surprise employee review day at the office. You know me, I'm not exactly prepared for that kind of thing unless forewarned. So the boss comes with her intern and secretary and before I know it, I'm gettin grilled and hounded about the way I file my papers on my desk. I'm gettin chewed about the mini fridge under my desk which is only filled with energy drinks. Not exactly something to be mad about in my opinion, shes just grouchy. Did I mention this was first thing in the morning?" He looked over his shoulder to her, as she brought some fresh thermal clothing and a blanket. "Not exactly, but I know she can be a pain hun. I've met her at the company gatherings. Her perfume smells like sewage in heat." They both laughed.



As he changed, he chattered his teeth every so often as he spoke. "Then after that, some morons think it's a good idea to mess with the staplers. Like a bunch of pre-schoolers going crazy at recess! They started playing with the water dispenser. Making fart jokes, for crying out loud! So one of em, Devon, you remember him, right?" He looked over to her as he poked his head out of the thermal shirt, the young woman wrapping the big soft blanket around him. "Yeah yeah. He's the one with the goofy grin, right? Thinks his jokes are to die for." "THAT'S the one." He nodded as he sat down, her walking toward the kitchen behind them. "Well anyway," he continued. "Devon thinks it's a good idea to reach into the thing, and he presses the wrong water tab. Bam. Idiot water pours on his hand and gets a nasty burn. So he starts flipping out, yellin and what have you. this is his fault, mind you. So we say we'll call him some help, because his hand is pretty burned. If you only saw my face when he said this hun." "Mhm" she said from the kitchen.




Nuzzling into the blanket, he continues to talk. "He tells us, he doesn't like ambulances' because they take your things. Steal stuff. Of all the no good things to accuse medial workers of, you know? Like the guys got anything in his pocket protector, or something else worth taking in the first place. So anyway, the jerk goes screaming around, doesn't wanna get in an ambulance, so someones gotta take him. But Ronald's suddenly got some stock to take care of, Eric's gotta set up meetings, everyones way too busy. So I gotta take this clown to the hospital. The whole ride there he's doing nothing but complaining, whining, making insults about my car. So I tell him 'If you don't want me to call an ambulance to come get you and put you under and take even your CLOTHES you'd better shut it!' " The young woman giggled, bringing him a warm cup of hot chocolate. She went back into the kitchen, urging him to continue.



"So anyway, we get to the hospi-AAAAHHH!" He quickly puts down the hot chocolate and begins to fan his tongue. "Thus stah is twwo hawwt!!" He complained with his tongue hanging out his mouth. the young woman came by, and put a small bit of sugar on his tongue to cool him down. "You know I wouldn't give you COLD chocolate!" she said as she giggled, watching his face full of relief as she poured the sugar. She made her way back, and he licked the sugar off and swallowed it. "Thanks, babe. It's like you were prepared!" "I had the sugar out before I even poured your cup, hun" With a smile, he continued. "So yeah, I get him to the hospital and take him. He gets put in, and after a few minutes of going over everything, he's gotta stay in. Something about tests, high blood pressure, you know how doctors are. You get a splinter, they tell you you've got cancer. Anyway, I go outside to get the car and it's gone. Apparently I parked it near a hydrant or something. So I gotta take a bus back down to the office. I get there, Boss down my throat about taking too much time and some missing reports, And it's just hell in there. Come the end of the day, I had to go to the A.T.M to get some money out to brake for change for the train ride home. It starts raining like nothing else out there! Train came late, And on the walk home the wind blew my hat off and I had to chase it for almost a whole block before I could catch it. After I did, I came back up and here I am." The young woman finally came back, with two bowls of soup. One for each of them. She handed him a bowl, and curled up next to him beginning to eat.



"Well babe," she spoke, swallowing a mouth full of chicken noodle soup. "It sound's like you had a day of disaster. I don't see how you could call it a good day." He smiled and looked down at her, her eyes fixed onto his and replied, "Because you're here."

Hi there! This is my 1300th post. Ain't that exciting? ^_^

*ehem*

Anyhow. First off, I'm going to point out some typos and stuff like that and then I'll get on to the main meat of the review.

Inside her home, a young woman watches our her window for a moment before wandering into her home to turn on some heaters.

*out.

Midst of March with very odd weather patterns.

This just sounds awkward to me. Maybe try something more like "(It was the) middle of March with very odd weather patterns." I just don't think "midst" is the work you're looking for.

Not exactly something to be mad about in my opinion, shes just grouchy.

*she's.

Her perfume smells like old book.

There's nothing wrong with this, but can I just say that sounds delicious? ^_^ I love the smell of old books...

Idiot water pours on his hand and gets a nasty burn.

I don't get what you're trying to say here. I think there needs to be some sort of punctuation (exclamation point or period, perhaps?) after "idiot." I also think you might want to say that the water is hot.

Nuzzling into blanket, he continues to talk

*into the blanket?

Of all the no good things to accuse medial workers of, you know?

*medical?

"I had the sugar out before I even poured your cup, hun"

This is kind of ridiculously nit-picky, but you need a period after 'hun'.
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That was really sweet! The end definitely brought a smile to my face. Very nice. It's a really simple concept but it is very sweet. Your dialogue is also quite well done, which is good because this was mostly dialogue. It felt very realistic and natural. I could really imagine people saying what your characters say, and even though this is so short I got a pretty good sense of what kind of people they are just by "listening" to the way they talk to each other. Nicely done.

One aesthetic suggestion I'll make is that you separate this a little more. Your paragraphs are rather huge at the moment, and generally people speparate dialogue, with a new person speaking on each new line--like this:

"Yeah yeah. He's the one with the goofy grin, right? Thinks his jokes are to die for."
"THAT'S the one." He nodded as he sat down, her walking toward the kitchen behind them. "Well anyway," he continued. "Devon thinks it's a good idea to reach into the thing, and he presses the wrong water tab. Bam. Idiot water pours on his hand and gets a nasty burn. So he starts flipping out, yellin and what have you. this is his fault, mind you. So we say we'll call him some help, because his hand is pretty burned. If you only saw my face when he said this hun."
"Mhm" she said from the kitchen.

Of course, there's nothing really wrong with your formatting, but it's just easier to read online it if it's spaced out like that. And if you're posting your work online, you want to make it as easy to read as possible.

There's not much else I can say about this--it's a simple idea, a simple story, and you've pulled it off nicely. I do have to say that you sort of lost me in the middle, because I got a little tired of reading about this guy's day. Maybe if you made the dialogue a little more interactive throughout, it would be better on that account? Like if you really tried to make it a conversation rather than just a guy telling a story? Maybe not, I don't know.

Anyhow, I hope this helps somewhat! PM me or write on my wall if you've got questions or if you want to discuss anything I've said.

a

Hey!

I really liked this story! I think it was very "alive". It wasn't some big, epic moment or someone having a life-altering experience, it was just an everyday. You got this one little blissful moment captured. And it was a really sweet moment, but at the same time so realistic. Also, I think it's way more interesting to look through someone's window and see how they act when they are all relaxed and act themselves, then witnessing a proposal at a restaurant, when they know peopple are watching, and act thereby - anyone can see that. You captured something special in this story, something that not everyone gets to see, and you showed us perfectly. I could see everything clearly.

You're really good at making your charachters "visible." I got the feeling of what they were like, how they acted. More on the man than the woman, but still.

What I liked the most is how the whole time I was reading, I never once understood what the story was about - yet I was still intruiged. It was like I wanter to hear about his day, even if it wasn't really special.

One thing I didn't quite like though, was this:

"Thanks, babe. It's like you were prepared!" "I had the sugar out before I even poured your cup, hun"

Not because I didn't like the concept of it. I love how they are all connected, and can cooperate without really talking or thinking about it. But here you made it too obvious. It was like it was just showing off then, milking it. We already got that they were the kind of couple who would do that, so we didn't need to know it. You tell instead of showing, and unless that is really, really neccessary, you shouldn't do it. Also, if she was so sure he would burn himself, why wouldn't she just say "it's really warm, don't burn yourself." (although I wouldn't want that, I liked the whole him burning himself, her fixing it thing)

He smiled and looked down at her, her eyes fixed onto his and replied, "Because you're here."

I love this, but I think you could convey it better. The "her eyes fixed onto his" bit I didn't get the firt sime I read it, so it kind of ruined the moment for me when I had to read it twice, but had already read "because you're here." You should write it in something along these lines: He smiled down at her - her eyes were fixed onto his - and he replied, "Because you're here."
Although I wouldn't want that either, because I think you should change "because you're here" to "because I knew I got to come home to you" or something. I read it, and I was like hmmmm, was his day good all day because she was there and not with him? That doesn't match up with the story. Or was he happy when he got home to her because she was there? Because in that case it wouldn't have been a good day - it would have been a good ending.

Also, I very much agree with Azila: You need to make it a new line when someone new is talking. That's not even a suggestion, you just have to. It was annoying when I got all confused when I didn't know who said what and had to read it over again. (well it is a suggestion - I don't want to be rude, only it's a really strong one)