Burden To mourn

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I can hear footsteps creeping around the corner. The heavy sound of leather soled boots hitting hard concrete, sending my racing heart into overdrive. Closer. Closer. It's almost like being stalked by some monstrous beast from one of the dark fairy tales my mother used to read to me as a child. After all, that's what it is. No human could do this to another human being, unless they are a monster.

My hands clutch the table. I can feel my heart beating in every inch of my body, as if it wants to jump out of my chest and run away. I wish I could. I want to run away. I don't want to be here.

I barely conceal a scream as the toe of a boot becomes visible beneath the desk I'm hiding under. My breathing is deep, my lungs expanding rapidly. I feel like I'm running out of oxygen. A hand drops onto the desk, right on top of my head. I let out a small whimper, a baby mouse squeak.

I hear it. A low triumphant chuckle that I have only heard a few times before.

His head ducks down-brown, curly locks falling into bright, green eyes. Eyes which were so vibrant, so full of life only moments ago, when he'd mercilessly killed the others.

"Are you scared?"

His breath washes over me, entirely too close; like mint, straight from the leaf. The smell almost makes me gag.

Am I scared though? I take my time, seriously contemplating the question. What's there to fear? Death? Pain? Maybe. I don't fear Levi, though. I don't even blink while he presses the steel barrel of the gun to my head. Stupid, I know, but I just can't rationalize him truly killing me.

What do I fear?

The fact that this maniac was killing people with the guns I gave him.




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I like the way you went straight to the point when you started your story. I like the way the narrator's feelings can be imagined by a reader, the way you can feel his fear building up, and then suddenly, the narrator's wondering why he's so scared. The turning point came at the last minuts...good timing :) Nice work too !




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I love, love, love it. I like the way you wrote it, the direct and straight-to-the-point beginning and then the sudden twist of the plot at the end. The suspense can be felt by the reader and few people can do that. This is a really good piece, good job! Keep it up! :)
Writing is not simply 'telling', it is also 'showing'. ~ Yanni1995



What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye