So, harshita3chaarag asked me for the Poetry Pairs contest and she was so sweet, that I decided okay! Now, I'm not much of a poet and this is a combined work that we enjoyed writing so far. We're still working on finishing it, so this isn't the entire piece. And we're still trying to figure out a title.
We would love some critiques.
~~~
New A/N : The first half in undergoing a revision, but while we're doing that, how's the latter part? Critiques on grammar, punctuation and anything else welcomed. The unedited first half is in the spoiler.
Thanks again, for your critiques.
Spoiler
The sky is a clear blue
And the hills stand tall
The birds chirp a melody
And the wind blows gently.
A faint rush of a waterfall
and the smell of a damp earth,
they beckon you. To become
one with them; beautiful.
Spine curved, with glittering drops on her face,
her fingers work quickly. The monotonous cycle
of smell, see, touch and taste; oblivious
to everything else.
Perhaps, this, a blemish to your idealization,
you try to layer this with your own image
of maybe a boy, running, untamed among
bushes and trees.
A chunni shields her face, while her children,
they reach toward the sun. She caresses their
soft, green bodies; and plucks. The emanating
aromas, seductive.
Hair oiled into a bun, you can't feel what she does,
but her pain, you know. A sympathetic smile,
you walk toward her. She senses you, she sees you;
a whisper : brother.
And the hills stand tall
The birds chirp a melody
And the wind blows gently.
A faint rush of a waterfall
and the smell of a damp earth,
they beckon you. To become
one with them; beautiful.
Spine curved, with glittering drops on her face,
her fingers work quickly. The monotonous cycle
of smell, see, touch and taste; oblivious
to everything else.
Perhaps, this, a blemish to your idealization,
you try to layer this with your own image
of maybe a boy, running, untamed among
bushes and trees.
A chunni shields her face, while her children,
they reach toward the sun. She caresses their
soft, green bodies; and plucks. The emanating
aromas, seductive.
Hair oiled into a bun, you can't feel what she does,
but her pain, you know. A sympathetic smile,
you walk toward her. She senses you, she sees you;
a whisper : brother.
She sees you running
through the bushes, surreal.
She moves towards you,
you vanish like a phantom
but that's not what you are.
Memories come back
flashing in her eyes
letting the pain through
what she had kept inside
And the hurt overcame her.
You were a hero
you were her superman
not because you had strength,
you didn't even have speed
neither could you fly but you were the world to her
you were her mentor
you were her brother.
She depended on you
to give her strength,
to wipe her tears,
to ease her pains,
but you left her alone.
You were her wall
when she needed your support.
You encouraged her,
you embraced her
you helped her through high and low.
But now you're gone
and she's still here
when she needs you most.
Follow her dreams, she must;
your subtle influence grips her
and she knows you are there.
A smile sneaks onto her visage,
she turns back to her children.
She feels your presence
an inspiration and comfort
her fingers still plucking
she doesn't look up;
you reside in her heart.
~~~
Also; what do you think the end might be? This is just to gauge how well we're going on with this.
Thanks for your critiques in advance. We appreciate it.
(And that a fiction-writer is braver than I!) Brilliantly done. You guys should feel proud!
I'd rather be led along the way first, and then dissect the poem from there! See, where you intend to go with a poem doesn't matter to me quite so much as how effectively you lead your audience there, and allow your audience room to interpret and visualize. So! Keep up the good work! 
