Passing

I'm not sure what category this would go in because it's kind of horror but then kind of isn't. It's not really scary at all but it has to do with death. But it didn't fit into any of the categories so I just decided to stick with this one. I really need to start posting more short stories and less novels because people seem to review my short stories more. And I understand why; it's a lot easier than following a novel. But I hope you all enjoy this one. My sister said she liked it but my sister likes anything I write while other people don't so I want to hear an honest opinion. It's the shortest story I've ever written so it should be a quick read:)

Late, late, late! That's what I thought to myself as I ran out of my small apartment and passed the doorman. This scene happened most mornings with me, so the doorman showed no expression of being surprised or annoyed. Well he might have been annoyed, but now that he was used to it it wasn't that big of a deal. He gave me a simple nod as I passed him, and I returned it. My mother always told me I would lose my head if it wasn't attached, and even though I didn't want to I totally agreed with her.
I wasn't up to date on technology apparently because not only did I not have a cell phone but I also didn't have a car. The only transportation I used was my own two feet. Because of this I was fairly thin. But I guess that also could have been because I was crazy about education and I hardly ever sat down to eat. Anytime my sister would come over she would get mad at me and literally force me to eat. It was annoying in a way, but I know it's just because she cared about me.
So now here I was. A twenty-five year old girl running in her blue sweats with her long blonde hair down. I was heading to my morning class as I did every Tuesday morning. I was really into art, so I was heading to my art class that was just a few blocks away. I took other classes too in which I enjoyed and did all my work in, but art was my personal favorite.
As I walked out I came to my least favorite part of the walk there, the crossing of the street. This particular street was full of cars. My apartment was located on a main road so this street was suicidal trying to cross. It usually wasn’t that big of a deal as long as you used the crosswalk and waiting for the cross signal.
But I was in a huge hurry today. So as I sat by the street waiting for the light to change I started to grow impatient. I was already five minutes late as it was. My professor would mark me late really soon.
So the second the light finally changed I didn’t waste any time. I ran across the street in a huge hurry and didn’t even stop to make sure no cars would try to run the red light. That was a mistake. As I ran across the street a car came straight up and nearly hit me, missing me by only inches. It shook me up a bit, but when I looked down I looked okay so I continued walking. This hadn’t been the first time this has happened. Usually the person tried to apologize but I would already be running toward my class.
As I walked away I heard some people shouting and freaking out. But I didn’t have time to see what had happened. I ran toward my class without even looking back. I just hoped that my professor was feeling nice today.
When I got to the school and made my way to my class everything looked normal. The halls were cleared except for me and the only noise was the sound of my running feet. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the janitor, Lance as everyone called him, standing between me and my class. Lance always gave me crap when I was late. It wasn’t that he could do anything to punish me; I just really didn’t want to deal with this today. I attempted to walk around him but it didn’t work. He looked straight at me and I prepared for his long rambling.
But instead he just looked around like he had heard something but couldn’t see it. After a minute he gave up and walked away. I was in shock. He had looked right at me but acted like I was there. I figured something was off with him this morning and opened the door to my class.
My professor was up teaching us about positive and negative spaces with art. I tried to sneak in so he wouldn’t see me. Luck went my way because he didn’t even seem to notice. Although I’m not sure how because I’m not very quiet when I try to sneak it. My attempts usually fail.
I took my seat at the back of the class as he lectured. This was all a review to me so I got out my paints and worked on a piece that I still needed to finish. But as I started I realized I didn’t have any red. I had run out yesterday and told myself I was going to go buy some more, but I never got around to it.
When this happened I usually just borrowed somebody's paint. I turned to Mark, the guy who sat next to me. I didn’t think he really liked me, but he didn’t hate me either. He was usually pretty reliable when I ran out of paint.
I tapped on his shoulder and he turned around. “Can I borrow some red paint for today?” I asked him. “I know I always seem to forget it but I promise I’ll buy some more tonight.” I expected him to roll his eyes, but instead he looked at me weird. “Do I have something on my face?” I asked, putting my hands up to it just in case.
“What are you looking at?” the guy in front of him asked.
The guy turned around, clearly embarrassed. “Nothing,” he replied. “I thought I heard something.”
“Yes you heard something!” I shouted. “You heard me!” Okay so if they wanted to be jerks to me all power to them, but to pretend like I wasn’t even there was really low.
They just turned around as if I hadn’t even said anything. “Fine then be that way,” I said.
I turned toward the girl that sat on the other side of me, Juli. “Hey,” I said, “Since those guys are being jerks do you mind if I borrow some of your red?”
She looked up at me, but then looked right back. She shook her head as if she felt stupid.
I started to sense that something was wrong. Juli was usually pretty nice. I knew she wouldn’t scoop down to their level. I started to get nervous and then did the first thing that came to my mind: I raised my hand so he would call on me. I didn’t know what I would ask but at least that would prove that I was actually there. But he just continued teaching as if I never raised my hand.
Now there was only one thing left to do. I got up out of my seat and shouted as loud as I could, “Hey, can you all hear me?” I half expected everyone to look at me and then my professor to say yes now sit down, but no one even turned their heads. Okay this was bad. I didn’t know what was going on here.
I thought back to the last thing I did and the street came to my mind. I suddenly got this horrible feeling in my stomach and I ran out of the room as fast as I could. Everyone turned their heads to the sound of the door closing, so apparently I could touch objects.
I ran out to that same street and gasped in horror at what I saw. There were policemen everywhere and I could hear the sound of an ambulance nearby. Everyone had come to see what was going on and there was a big crowd gathered around the scene.
I was afraid to walk over there and see what had happened. But I had this gut feeling I knew what it was. But how was it possible to be dead but not know you were dead?
I tried to push that thought from my mind and slowly walked over there. When I got through the crowd I saw just what I didn’t want to see. It was me. Well not me talking but my body lying there on the ground covered in blood. This guy was standing over me shouting orders to people. I came passed the police line but no one seemed to notice.
“She looks dead to me,” one of the medical persons said. “Should we still call for an ambulance or just get a body bag?”
“Get a body bag,” the guy said quietly. “It’s a shame, but this happens every week on this street. People should really learn to be more careful when they cross.”
“Agreed,” the man replied. I saw him motion for someone to come over and when I looked back I saw a body bag.
I couldn’t take this anymore. I ran out of the police line and as far away from this scene as possible. Once I got to the park I sat on a bench and cried. I wondered what would happen to me now. Would I be cursed to walk the earth with no one being able to see me for the rest of eternity?
I was so deep in thought I didn’t even notice there was someone sitting next to me. When I turned and looked I couldn’t believe my eyes. This wasn’t just a living person that couldn’t see me, but my great-grandmother.
Now there was one thing I found wrong with this picture: my great-grandmother had died five years ago. But then again, I was dead too. Reality didn’t seem to matter anymore. I wasn’t sure if she would be able to see me or not, but I looked over and she smiled.
“Yes honey I can see you,” she told me as if she had read my mind. I was completely speechless. What was I supposed to say to her? “You’re probably wondering why I’m here.” I nodded, still unable to speak. “Well I have come to help you. It’s always a shame when someone dies too young. You haven’t even been able to get married yet, have a husband, or do the things in life you haven’t had the chance to do yet. Those stories are always sad. And when that happens the person usually has a hard time crossing over. I know you haven’t been able to live your life to the fullest, but you must cross over and not linger on this earth like so many spirits choose to do.”
“What about all my family I’m leaving behind?” I managed to choke out.
“In time they will join you,” she replied. “But for now you just have to deal with the reality that it will also be hard for them.”
“Have you had this discussion with someone before?” I asked. “Because you seem like you’re really confident in what you’re talking about.”
“No. But I’ve been there. Five years ago I went through this same thing. I didn’t have a problem letting go and crossing over, but I lived a much fuller life than you did.”
I looked down. “What is it like on the other side?”
She gave me a sweet smile. “That’s something you’ll just have to wait and see. But so many people choose not to, because their scared. I hope you’re not one of those people.”
I returned a smile. “No, I’m not,” I whispered. “You’re right. I may be young but it’s my time.”
“Then you’re ready,” she said. She put her arm out for me to grab it, and I did. The next thing I saw was a really bright light that I had to look away from. Keeping my eyes partly closed I walked with her into it.

I liked this. I also liked the way you described how panicked she was. I almost had a panic attack with her! :O
Lol

Hey! This story was absolutely great to read! When she was running across the street I was thinking that shit it's so mainstreem if she just dies now, but she didn't (or, we didn't know she did) and then when I found out she was dead it was such a cool twist on the way of telling it that I didn't mind at all!
I wasn't too keen on the ending, but that had nothing to do with the way of telling, I just think the whole "crossing over" and "bright light" is kinda old news, but nonetheless, it was a good, clear ending and me not liking it is just me!

So here are the details I was picky about.

Late, late, late! That's what I thought to myself as I ran out of my small apartment and passed the doorman. #FF0000 ">This scene happened most mornings with me, ("This was an almost daily ritual") so the doorman showed no expression of being surprised or annoyed. Well, he might have been annoyed, but now that he was used to it it wasn't that big of a deal. He gave me a simple nod as I passed him, and I returned it. My mother always told me I would lose my head if it wasn't attached, and even though I didn't want to I totally agreed with her.

Not too keen on "this schene happened", but I liked what you were saying, just not how you said it.
I don't know if it's just me, but I have no idea what you meant with the head being attached thing.

I wasn't up to date on technology (are cars technology? Write up to date on the modern society insted or something. Unless I'm an idiot and cars are technology, that's always a likely option) apparently (drop apparently, it makes it sound like she was running down the street and suddenly had an epiphany or something and didn't know beforehand) because not only did I not have a cell phone but #FF0000 ">I also didn't have a car. ("I didn't have a car either") The only transportation I used was my own two feet. Because of this I was fairly thin. But I guess that also could have been because I was crazy about education and I hardly ever sat down to eat. Anytime my sister would come over she would get mad at me and literally force me to eat. It was annoying in a way, but I know #FF0000 ">it's ("it was", you're switching from past tense. Or you can switch it all to "it is annoying..." I like that better) just because she cared about me.

So now here I was. (If it's "now" then she "is", not "was". It has to be "So there I was" or "So now here I am") A twenty-five year old girl running in her blue sweats with her long blonde hair down. I was heading to my morning class as I did every Tuesday #FF0000 ">morning. (drop the last morning. We understand that it's morning when she's going to her morning class) #FF0000 ">I was really into art, so I was heading to my art class that was just a few blocks away. (This sentence was weird. Why did her being into art have anything to do with where her art class was? You mention that art is her personal favourite later, so just drop it here) I took other classes too #FF0000 ">in which I enjoyed and did all my work in, ("In which I did all my work and enjoyed as well") but art was my personal favorite.

I like how you describe her and her life-style here without doing the whole boring and unnecessary "she looked like this and had that eye colour and her clothes were those colours and she had a younger sister and an older brother and a cat and her cat was grey and had blue eyes", you make it flow and we get an impression of her without realising that you're describing until the description is done.

As I walked out I came to my least favorite part #FF0000 ">of the walk there, (repetition of walk "of the trip to school") #FF0000 ">the crossing of the street. ("crossing the street") This particular street was full of cars. (Most streets are full of cars, that's just normal. Exaggerate that more) My apartment was located on a main road so this street was suicidal trying to cross. #FF0000 ">It usually wasn’t that big of a deal as long as you used the crosswalk and waiting for the cross signal. ("My apartment was located on a main road so this street was suicidal trying to cross unless you used the crosswalk and waiting for the cross signal. If you had time for this it wasn't such a big deal." It's a little weird if you write something is suicidal and the next moment say "but really it's not a big deal", it's like telling someone that swimming with sharks really isn't such a big deal)

Hehehe, forecast much? I would have hated this if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't die as you clearly build up too. (Or, we don't know she died)

But I was in a huge hurry today. So as I sat (Really? She sat down? Maybe she should stand:) ) by the street waiting for the light to change I started to grow impatient. I was already five minutes late as it was. My professor would mark me late #FF0000 ">really (drop "really") soon.

Don't have this as a whole paragraph, attach it to the last one or the next.

#FF0000 ">So (drop "so") the second the light finally changed I didn’t waste any time. I ran across the street in a huge hurry and didn’t #FF0000 ">even (drop "even") stop to make sure no cars would try to run the red light. #BF0000 ">That (There is an extremely good chance that I'm wrong, but I would write "this") was a mistake. As I ran across the street a car came straight up and nearly hit me, missing me by only inches. It shook me up a bit, but when I looked down I looked okay so I #FF0000 ">continued walking. (continued running) #FF0000 ">This hadn’t been the first time this has happened. ("This wasn't the first time that happened") Usually #FF0000 ">the person ("the driver", maybe?) tried to apologize but I #FF0000 ">would ("was")already #FF0000 ">be (doesn't fit if you change would to was) running #FF0000 ">toward ("to") my class.

This is my favourite part, how you build up to a climax, and then just completely skip it and go on!

As I walked away I heard some people shouting and freaking out. But I didn’t have time to see what #FF0000 ">had happened. ("was going on") I ran toward my class without even looking back. I just hoped that my professor was feeling nice today.("...even looking back, hoping that my professor" I think that makes a better flow.)

When I got to #FF0000 ">the (Just school, not "the school") school and made my way to my class everything #FF0000 ">looked normal. (unless everything wasn't normal you should just say that everything "was" normal. Also, we didn't have any indications as to whether there should be anything unusual going on. Normally things are normal, and readers understand that things are normal when you don't point out anything not normal.) The halls were cleared except for me and the only noise was the sound of my running feet. (I like this sentence!) I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the janitor, Lance #FF0000 ">as everyone called him, (if you call him Lance from her perspective, we get that people call him that, you don't have to say it.) standing between me and my class. (Now I don't like the previous sentence anymore, I though the halls were cleared except for her) Lance always gave me crap when I was late. It wasn’t that he could do anything to punish me; I just really didn’t want to deal with this today. I attempted to walk around him but it didn’t work. He looked straight at me and I prepared for his long rambling.

I like most of this paragraph, but I think the whole Lance thing is unneccesary, it gives away that no one can see her way too early and we get the point of no one being able to see her later anyway. I think it would be better if you just kept up the "normalness" so that people think everything is fine for a little longer. It will make a bigger impact as well if we don't realise it at once and so slowly with this many descriptions of it.

#FF0000 ">My professor ("our professor" or "the professor") was #FF0000 ">up (drop "up") teaching #FF0000 ">us (he wasn't teaching her, she wasn't there. Drop "us") about positive and negative spaces with art. I tried to sneak in so he wouldn’t see me. Luck went my way because he didn’t #FF0000 ">even seem to notice. (What are the chances of him noticing and being all "Haha, I'm not gonna tell her I noticed, it's going to be MY secret!" Either he noticed or he didn't) #FF0000 ">Although (although is wrong, because it's not a contradiction, you would have to say like "...didn't even notice, although some girls did") I’m not sure how because I’m not very quiet when I try to sneak #FF0000 ">it. (sneak in? typo? If not than "sneak it" sounds weird, what are you sneaking, a box? "I'm sneaking a box in", haha that's funny) My attempts usually fail.

I like this subtle implying of no one being able to see her. It makes readers wonder a little, but not obsessing over it.

I took my seat at the back of the class as he lectured. This was all a review to me so I got out my #FF0000 ">paints ("paintings"?) and worked on a piece that I #FF0000 ">still (we didn't know she needed to finish it, so it's not "still", it's just "she needed") needed to finish. But as I #FF0000 ">started ("was about to start" She couldn't actually start without the red paint) I realized I didn’t have any red. #FF0000 ">I had run ("I ran out") out yesterday and told myself I was going to go buy some more, but I never got around to it.

#FF0000 ">When this happened I usually just borrowed somebody's paint. (Boring and unnecessary information.) I turned to Mark, #FF0000 ">the guy who sat next to me (we get that you sit next to him, you don't turn to someone in the front of the class, we also get that he's a guy) ("....to Mark and asked if I could borrow some red paint from him, “I know I always seem to forget it but I promise I’ll buy some more tonight.”") #FF0000 ">I didn’t think he really liked me, but he didn’t hate me either. ("I wasn't too sure about what he thought of me, but I doubted that he hated me") He was usually pretty reliable when I ran out of paint.

I tapped on his shoulder and he turned around. “Can I borrow some red paint for today?” I asked him. “I know I always seem to forget it but I promise I’ll buy some more tonight.” I expected him to roll his eyes, but instead he looked at me #FF0000 ">weird. ("with a weird expression") “Do I have something on my face?” I asked, putting my hands up to it just in case.

Well, if you follow my previous comments you'll have to change this to something along the lines of " When I tapped on his shoulder and asked for the paint I expected him to roll his eyes"

“What are you looking at?” the guy in front of him asked.

The guy turned around, clearly embarrassed. “Nothing,” he replied. “I thought I heard something.”

“Yes you heard something!” I shouted. (Would she really shout in the middle of class? Maybe she would rather hiss angrily at them or something) “You heard me!” Okay so if they wanted to be jerks to me, (comma) all power to them#FF0000 ">,(period) but to pretend like I wasn’t even there was really low.

They just turned around as if I hadn’t even said anything. “Fine(comma here,) then (or here) be that way,” I said.

This was really good! I love it when dialouges flow and doesn't seem all chopped up, and you managed perfectly

I turned toward the girl that sat on the other side of me, Juli. “Hey,” I said, “Since those guys are being jerks, (comma) do you mind if I borrow some of your red?” (Some of her red shirt, some of her red food, some of her red nailpolish, some of her red blood? What do you want to borrow that's red? I'm joking, I know it's paint, but some day someone stupid might read this)

She looked up at me, but then looked right back. She shook her head as if she felt stupid.

I started to sense that something was wrong. Juli was usually pretty nice. I knew she wouldn’t scoop down to their level. I started to get nervous and #FF0000 ">then (drop "then") did the first thing that came to my mind: I raised my hand so he would call on me. I didn’t know what I would ask, (comma) but at least that would prove #FF0000 ">that (Drop "that", it's repetition of the word) I was actually there. But he just continued teaching as if I never raised my hand. ("As if I hadn't raised my hand", never is a word refering to all other lectures, and she must have raised her hand at least once throughout them)

Now there was only one thing left to do. (Actually, there are lots of things to do, she could start poking Juli or whatever, drop that sentence) I got up out of my seat and shouted as loud as I could, “Hey, can you all hear me?” I half expected everyone to look at me and #FF0000 ">then (drop "then") my professor to say yes, (comma) now sit down, but no one #FF0000 ">even [color=#00BF00](drop "even")[/color]turned their heads. Okay this was bad. I didn’t know what was going on #FF0000 ">here. (Drop "here" We know what time and place she is referring to)

Sorry, I don't have time to finish now! If it was helpful I'll do the rest later Really, really liked the plot of this story, and the writing is mostly great, I know it seems like I wanted to change the whole thing, but I'm just being picky :)