Shatterproof

Spoiler

Edited VersionThanks to everyone who gave me suggestions. I hope the ending has improved since the last verison. Please let me know what you think!

I see you, but I cannot speak to you.
We are inches apart, but I cannot touch you.
You yell to me, but I cannot hear you.
Your tears come falling, but I cannot comfort you.

But I have choices...
Draw the shades and leave you there.
Or sit down and watch without a care.
Look into your eyes and find a cue.
Then break the barrier and re-connect with you.

If the glass was shattered, I could exchange words with you.
If all of the cracks extended outward, I could hold you.
If the pieces began to fall, I could understand you.
And then laying on shards of glass, I could comfort you.

But it’s not that easy…
This glass was put between us to protect my heart,
and breaking it down would just be the start.
You would tear me down and then walk away,
but with you some parts of me will always stay.

I have learned through the years to forgive and forget,
because being with you was always a threat.
So the glass must stay and never break
because then my heart you could never take.

Welcome to YWS! In addition to being a reviewer, I'm also a moderator. If you run into any problems with other members or with site errors, then don't hesitate to contact me.

This is a very good debut poem. There are some things that confuse me about it though, maybe that can help you figure out where it's going.

First, there is the issue of the glass. I had to guess that there is a glass wall that is keeping the two characters apart. It seems almost like a prison, except I don't know who it is meant to hold. Is it the protagonist or the person the protagonist is seeking?

It seems from the first stanza that the protagonist wants to get in contact with the other. But in the second stanza the protagonist doesn't seem so certain. The protagonist lays out a couple of options, but from the first stanza it sounds like she already made up her mind?

The second stanza has two errors. The first is "que." I think you meant to write: "cue" which is a prompt for someone to do something. The second error is the use of "Then" in the last line. It makes the choices seem like they're not choices, but rather a process. That is, first draw the shades and leave them there, then... ...then break the barrier and reconnect with you. Replacing the "then" with an "Or" will make it seem like each line is a choice she can select from, but she can only select one at a time.

I think the third stanza could be improved by making it more active. Right now, it is just a re-expression of the first stanza, which is probably why it is so weak. I think it might be interesting to see the attempts of one character (perhaps both characters?) trying to destroy the barrier. Perhaps the protagonist is the prisoner and wishes success to the other character in their attempts to rescue the protagonist. Or perhaps it is the protagonist that is the liberator.

I hope this helps give you some ideas on how to improve the poem. See you around!

Thank you for the review and for welcoming me!

Yes, you are correct it was glass that was separating the two characters. The one who is speaking in the story is trapped and their friend is on the other side of the glass looking in.

After reading through the poem again I can see why you got confused. It does kind of flip back and forth between two emotions (knowing what to do and questioning what to do). I will take another look at it and try to re-write is so it flows better. I am also glad you gave me some input on the third stanza. This was my biggest struggle. I kind of knew what I wanted to say, but I did not know how to say it. You have given me some good ideas though.

Thanks again!
-Jessa

heey nice write!! I really like the imagery..
It's not really clear what's really seperating you though but other than that
great write

I like the name.

That's a good way to start out a review, isn't it? Starts it off on a high note.

I have some problems with this. Firstly, all of those "can not"'s in the first stanza should be "cannot"'s, as in one word. Secondly, "que" is misspelled. It should be "cue."

Sorry if this was short. I hope it was helpful.

-Kafka

I see you, but I can not speak to you.We are inches apart, but I can not touch you.You yell to me, but I can not hear you.Your tears come falling, but I can not comfort you.But I have choices...Draw the shades and leave you there.Sit down and watch without a care.Look into your eyes and find a que.Then break the barrier and re-connect with you.If the glass was shattered, I could exchange words with you.If all of the cracks extended outward, I could hold you.If the pieces began to fall, I could understand you.And if all of the pieces were piled on the floor, I could comfort you.

now the last line doesn't flow with the rest. How about more along the lines of, "laying on shards of glass, I would comfort you"

Overall I loved this. If you wanted to extend it and make it even deeper you could talk about barriers in the relationship, or in yourself if it's not about someone else, which would be awesome and even deeper than the average relationship song. Your call though. Good job!

Tommybear - I liked your idea for the last line to be changed and I was actually thinking about adding more to the background behind this poem tomorrow during school (since during pre-calc I have nothing better to do). Thank you for your input, I appreciate it!

Kafka - I am glad you liked the title; I actually just made it up right before I submitted the poem. Also, thank you for the edits. Even though your review was short I found it very helpful! Thank you.

-Jessa

Just break the damn glass!






liked the poem by the way...

"But I have choices..."
This lines was awesome! Just the simple wording, and the way it came like a declaration of resolve mixed with sadness and curiosity. I think if you used this with repetition and place it at the end of your poem again or something. Neat poem. It could improve from some poetic description of the glass. Keep writing

Bolshevik - I appreciate the input, but if it was as easy as breaking the glass then there would be no need for the poem

Inkwell - I am hoping to finish some edits on the poem tonight and then update it. I will take your input into consideration as I am doing them.

I'm happy you liked it!
-Jessa

Well, I dont know about the orininal, but this is great! The only thing I saw wrong was the line "and the layinbg on the shards of glass, I will comfort you" Im not sure, but i think that first the was unintentional. Maybe you could make that say "and then, laying on shards of glass" but of course, just a suggestion. Great job jessa!

Well done

Thanks guys! I'm glad you liked it
And I changed that line, thanks for the edit!
-Jessa

I liked this. The wording was excellent but some of it seemed forced.

I see you, but I cannot speak to you.
We are inches apart, but I cannot touch you.
You yell to me, but I cannot hear you.
Your tears come falling, but I cannot comfort you.

#FF0000 ">This was pretty good. I got the message but I think you could have re-worded it.

But I have choices...
Draw the shades and leave you there.
Or sit down and watch without a care.
Look into your eyes and find a cue.
Then break the barrier and re-connect with you.

I think that this was a bit erratic. Going from not being able to reach them to choices. I was kind of lost. I loved the wording in this though. The rhyming sounded a bit forced to me though.

If the glass was shattered, I could exchange words with you.
If all of the cracks extended outward, I could hold you.
If the pieces began to fall, I could understand you.
And then laying on shards of glass, I could comfort you.

The wording was creative and created a clear image, good job. My favorite part of this stanza is the last line. Very nice. *virtual thumbs up*

But it’s not that easy…
This glass was put between us to protect my heart,
and breaking it down would just be the start.
You would tear me down and then walk away,
but with you some parts of me will always stay.

#FFFF40 ">I liked this but back to the subject of it being erratic. I liked how you included this and it seemed to fit more than the first one did, but I can understand the need for it. Again, the rhyming seemed unnatural to me.

I have learned through the years to forgive and forget,
because being with you was always a threat.
So the glass must stay and never break
because then my heart you could never take.

#BF80FF ">Exellent wording. Forget and threat don't seem to fit together to me but good job. I think maybe the last line could possibly use work but I'm drawing a blank so I'll leave it to you.
Good job on this. Very nice, I liked the wording, the images, and overall it was very good.