Coming to Terms

Kiss me this once and let's
not confuse ourselves with terminology.
You know what I want -- I want
to squeeze your lips with my own,
letting your strawberry lips infect
my teeth and tongue. Afterwards,
let's talk and laugh, and do not shy away
when I rest my head on your lap
and sigh.

Is this not right? Look at me in the eyes and
tell me that you do not love me.
Here we are, hand in hand, and we cannot talk about
the important things, such as the way you hold
the acetone-soaked cotton ball over my nails
and cry, your mouth moving familiarly to Psalm 38
until your throat chokes and all you can say is
Jesus' last words.

And it kills me to see you
jumping like a rabbit in rhythm to the
earthquakes under our feet.
What does the world matter to us?
We, who can move mountains with our love,
we, who know the power from love's true kiss,
we, for whom fairy tales are real--
why do we care what the world thinks?

Let it condemn us, I say!
When the first stone comes,
I'll stand tall and smile,
cradling your starved body in my arms
and I shall never leave you.
For the world is full of lies--
even the heavens only clear when the wicked heat leaves
the earth and shatters the atmosphere
in a fiery burst, until the first stars come out,
winking in their love.

And when I cup your chin in the palm of my hand
and bring your nose to mine
your breath is sweeter than the
tender lily. And when you smile
I can see all the universe
sparkle in your eyes.

Hi there!

In my opinion, that was a beautifully detailed poem. I absolutely loved it. I actually had to read it twice to truly drink it in. Your word play, the imagery, and the way the message of the poem was revealed made it a total master piece. Keep up the good work, and write on! ~ HMYR.

Snoinkarina,

I enjoyed this. It had a wonderful, melancholy tone to it that carried on - as my interest did- until the end.

I'm not too fond of the raising of questions in poetry. Here, it works. Could possibly be better integrated, but for the most part, it doesn't destroy the poem.

and cry, your mouth moving familiarly to Psalm 38

familiarly is an icky word. Kind of stood out to me as it tripped the easy flow you had before. A rewording would drag this line further out than most others, but my first instinct is recommending it.

A delicate poem, nonetheless. I hate to bring criticism to such works, but good job here. Tres enjoyable.



June

Princess of the Pinkish Oinkerness!!!

I know I’m not the best poetry reviewer, but I can smell a good piece of poetry like a fat kid smells bacon. *bad metaphor* Anywhozzles….just a few itty bitty things…

You know what I want -- I want
to squeeze your lips with my own,
letting your strawberry lips infect
my teeth and tongue. Afterwards,

Something feels wrong about the repletion of the word “lips.” The only way I would ever imagine suggesting changing it would be to take “squeeze your lips with my own” and turn it to “squeeze your mouth to mine,”.

And it kills me to see you
jumping like a rabbit in rhythm to the
earthquakes under our feet.

This is possibly the most amazing imagery I’ve possibly ever read and I’m not even kidding. Something about it just feels tragic and sad, but looks so cute in my head. *bunnies*

We, who can move mountains with our love,
we, who know the power from love's true kiss,

Again, I turn into the repetition Nazi. Problem here is I really don’t know how to fix it. But if you think of something, well then that would be super cool.

And when I cup your chin in the palm of my hand
and bring your nose to mine,
your breath is sweeter than the
tender lily. And when you smile

Okay, there were just two tiny little things in here. First is the comma I added in there. I think it would feel and flow nicely with a slight pause there.
The other bolded stuff is something that I keep questioning myself over. This is just me but it feels a bit like it may have something to do with this concept I’m just going to call article/noun agreement. “the” seems to always make me think that there should be more than one because why say the when you could say “a”. Or saying “lilies” instead of “lily.”
I’m not sure. But I’ve been banging my head around about that for the last two classes.

Still, I really did love this poem, Rina. It had such a powerful feeling and emotion to it. That and the imagery and delicate feeling are so lovely.

~lileh!!!

This seems like a poem about a love so strong that no tragedy can tare it apart. Sort of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet