True Face and Bleeding Heart

Bleeding heart

I would give up my life
I would give up my bleeding heart
but there is not much more
for you to tear apart

Just a lost girl
who was misdirected
ended up hurt and unprotected

her broken heart bleeds for you
while you sit and laugh
so crude

she grabbed your hand
You walked away
For that she curses you day after day

Everynight you stay awake
Wondering if that girl is still yours to take
She wanted to be heard
You never let her say a word


#BF0000 ">True face

There she goes
Walking down the street
Everyone bowing at her feet
All the while hiding her true face

In the shadows she cries
Light exposes her true desguise
She trys to find her place
In the world of dieing grace

The pain in her eyes
Is to much to despise
The pressure of the world seeps in
Like a lost friend come home again

Hiya, Written here.
Right at the moment the first thing that comes to mind after having read these poems is Wow.
*Shakes head.* just wow.

Your first poem Bleeding Heart, I would just like to ask why you went from first person to third person.
You began with "I" and honestly that made the thing flow because once you switched to "Her" it sort of broke off the main emotion that was what I could pick up. That was it that I'd noticed for that first one.

Your second poem, True Face, that was wonderful. I loved the way I could feel how it was like hiding. Hiding who you really were. There's only one problem; in the last stanza:

The pain in her eyes
Is to much to despise
The pressure of the world seeps in
Like a lost friend come home again

Those two lines don't seem to work. The pain in her eyes is too much to hate? To despise?
I don't understand why someone would hate the pain in her eyes.

Honestly, I'd change it to something like :

The pain in her eyes
is too hard to hide

The rhyme's good and it does make more sense than "despise" but that's only a suggestion.


- Otherwise the overall is good - just a few little things to say .

~ Written.