The Suicidest

Cold sweat dripped from my nose, making weary dots on the ground. This wasn't the first time I found myself looking down 15 stories off the ground, as the cold wind ruffled my damp hair.

I Breathed in shallow quick breaths, eyes wide at the site of the city below, exhausted from the rushed ascend of the emergency stair-case.

But apart from the fear that trembled through me, I already felt dead. I could already see the next weeks headlines as they flashed through my mind, "Advertiser makes quick escape", followed by the question, "Was it murder?", because why would he kill himself?

- Indeed - I thought bitterly - And who would be there to stop me? Rejected by my wife and colleagues, when i did my best to make the pain go away. The pain go away . . . But what is there to live for now? Really.

Tears started to stream down my face as i shouted - Why this?! - desperately wishing for this hell of a life to end quick!

A stabbing pain shot through my abdomen and i doubled over, screaming for the sudden pain to stop. I tried to grab at the bar I had mounted, to stop me from falling into the abyss, my eyes could make out through the tears, as the wind whipped through my hair.

- Never! - I screamed in agony, clinging on for the dear life I had never suddenly felt so much respect for. - What have I done to deserve such a drastic choice of punishment for my pitiful sins?

A black hole started to open out below me leaving me nothing but the bar to keep me from falling. pieces of earth and glass flung round me catching my face in their orbit and taking chunks of my skin with them.

I screamed desperately for my life as the whirlwind started to pick up speed below, trying to draw me into its endless pit of blackness.

-No! - I begged, my voice becoming horse - Please no! - as someone dressed in black from head to foot with black hair, started to pry my fingers from the only link, barely keeping me sane, with a crazed smile plastered on his face.

Then suddenly my hands were free of the bar and I was consumed, isolated from all that I knew to be real, to be brought down into the void of nothingness. Lost forever. Lost forever . . .

GRAMMAR AND SPECIFICS

I Breathed in shallow quick breaths

"Breathed" should be "breathed"

I could already see the next weeks headlines

"weeks" should have an apostrophe between the 'k' and 's', because it is possessive.

"Was it murder?", because why would he kill himself?

This is odd. I recommend putting this all in the quotations.

- Indeed - I thought bitterly - And who would

This again is odd. I would recommend the following instead: 'Indeed,' I thought bitterly. And who would...

Rejected by my wife and colleagues, when i did my best to make the pain go away.

This is a sentence fragment.

face as i shouted

"i" should be capitalized.

as i shouted - Why this?! - desperately wishing

- Never! - I screamed in agony,

Use quotations instead of the dashes.

- What have I done to deserve such a drastic choice of punishment for my pitiful sins?

I assume this is dialogue? Again, use quotations.

A black hole started to open out below me

I would use "open up" instead of "open out", it just sounds odd.

falling. pieces of

Capitalize the "P".

-No! - I begged, my voice becoming horse - Please no! -

Again, quotations.

as someone dressed in black from head to foot with black hair,

Too long of a description in my opinion. Just focus on the outfit being black.

Lost forever. Lost forever . . .

I think it would be better if you didn't repeat "Lost forever". Instead, just leave the story after the first one.

OVERALL

This was very descriptive! Nice job, I could just feel I was this guy. I specified some grammar above, but that's pretty much it. This was great a great piece of flash fiction!

'The Suicidest'....strange title, never heard anything like it. I'm guessing there is a reason though. ^^

I Breathed in shallow quick breaths, eyes wide at the site of the city below, exhausted from the rushed ascend of the emergency stair-case.

-This sentence sounds...out of place. I don't know, it just does...for me, anyway. The word 'breathing' is capitalized too.

-Is there a reason why you aren't using quotation marks for your dialogue? I was just wondering, because I've never seen that style used before.

- Never! - I screamed in agony, clinging on for the dear life I had never suddenly felt so much respect for.

-This sentence sounds like a mouthful. Try to keep it simple and effective - no need for you to add on words to get the point across.

A black hole started to open out below me leaving me nothing but the bar to keep me from falling.

You could have a comma in between 'me' and 'leaving' so it wouldn't look so cluttered and so it wouldn't sound as though the speaker is saying this in one tone.

A good note: I always make it a rule for myself to note the good stuff. You did a good job of getting the speaker's feelings and thoughts across to me, so that's one thing you can definitely keep doing.

Happy writing! ^^

This wasn't the first time I found myself looking down 15 stories off the ground, as the cold wind ruffled my damp hair.

Most of the time you should spell out numbers, so 15 should be fifteen.

This wasn't the first time I found myself looking down 15 stories off the ground, as the cold wind ruffled my damp hair.

The comma after ground isn't needed.

I Breathed in shallow quick breaths, eyes wide at the site of the city below, exhausted from the rushed ascend of the emergency stair-case.

Breathed doesn't need to be capitalized.

I could already see the next weeks headlines as they flashed through my mind, "Advertiser makes quick escape", followed by the question, "Was it murder?", because why would he kill himself?

The quotation mark after escape should be outside the comma. You also do not need a comma if a question mark is inside the quotation mark.

- Indeed - I thought bitterly - And who would be there to stop me? Rejected by my wife and colleagues, when i did my best to make the pain go away. The pain go away . . . But what is there to live for now? Really.

Use italics when the narrator is thinking, instead of dashes. When you do this, all you need are commas after indeed and a period after bitterly.

Tears started to stream down my face as i shouted - Why this?! - desperately wishing for this hell of a life to end quick!

When someone is talking, use quotations marks (with commas inside them when necessary), instead of dashes. Never use a exclamation mark and question mark together. You do not need them both, so pick one or the other. The exclamation mark at the end of the sentence is also not needed.

A stabbing pain shot through my abdomen and i doubled over, screaming for the sudden pain to stop.

Capitalize the I.

I tried to grab at the bar I had mounted, to stop me from falling into the abyss

This part takes the reader out of the story. You haven't said anything about where he was standing until this moment. Try to explain exactly where he is before now. It will make this part of the story smoother.

- Never! - I screamed in agony, clinging on for the dear life I had never suddenly felt so much respect for.

Again, use quotation marks instead of dashes. This part also doesn't make sense. Why was he standing there wishing he could die a moment ago, when now he wants to live?

- What have I done to deserve such a drastic choice of punishment for my pitiful sins?

The dash at the beginning isn't needed.

pieces of earth and glass flung round me catching my face in their orbit and taking chunks of my skin with them.

Capitalize pieces.

-No! - I begged, my voice becoming horse - Please no! - as someone dressed in black from head to foot with black hair, started to pry my fingers from the only link, barely keeping me sane, with a crazed smile plastered on his face.

Use quotation marks.

I screamed desperately for my life as the whirlwind started to pick up speed below, trying to draw me into its endless pit of blackness.

-No! - I begged, my voice becoming horse - Please no! - as someone dressed in black from head to foot with black hair, started to pry my fingers from the only link, barely keeping me sane, with a crazed smile plastered on his face.

This part is confusing. Exactly what is happening here?

started to pry my fingers from the only link, barely keeping me sane, with a crazed smile plastered on his face.

The comma after link and barely isn't needed.


Overall, this story is okay. It is an interesting idea, and one that could easily be expanded upon.

Unfortunately, it is hard to understand what is happening at the end. Is there really a person and a whirlwind? Is the man crazy?

The lack of description, especially towards the setting, makes parts of the story very difficult to understand. Although too much description is bad, there are sections where you do need to add description. This link would probably help:
post510921.html?hilit=description#p510921

Also, please make sure you understand how and where to use quotation marks. This link would probably help you:
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp

Thanks guys for the advise. I did make a lot of mistakes, more than i expected . . . but i guess everyone needs a starting point. I'll try and learn how to brush up on comma using and when to use more/less description. Thanks again.