Have you ever done something so terrible to someone that no matter what, you can't let it go, even after they've forgiven you? Some say it is easier to forgive and forget. I can forgive easily. It's forgetting that I have a problem with.
It was June 12th, 2010. I was home alone and bored, so I got on Face Book. I kept getting these messages for an application called the Truth Game. It's a game where someone answers a random question about you. You get a message, but you may have more than one question. So, in order to find out who said what, you have to answer fifty random questions about your friends.
So, I clicked through questions, while drinking a six pack of Bud Lite. I just clicked the mouse, caring very little about what the question was and who it was for. Suddenly, her picture popped up on the screen. Her name was Samantha. Her question was "Do you think Samantha is a virgin?" I knew immediately in my head what the answer was, but I wasn't too sure about whether or not I should answer it.
I sat there for what seemed like an hour, thinking to myself, "If I answer yes, how will she take it?" "will she take it as a compliment or an insult?" "Will she even read it at all?" Finally, I just went with my gut and answered yes.
After a couple of hours I got to thinking that answering yes wasn't the best idea. After six beers, your judgement and conscience kind of goes out the window. I had to warn her. I went back online to see if she had seen the question, or (for lack of a better excuse than "I was a little too buzzed.") warn her that it was sent to her by mistake, but I was too late. She had already seen it and deleted me from her page.
I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I had to tell her it was all a mistake. I sent her a very lengthy apology, but on the inside, I sensed that the damage had already been done. I spent the rest of the night awake in restless distress. The next day I was on pins and needles waiting for a response. I checked my e-mail every hour that Saturday. Finally, at three O' clock I got an answer. "Please do not contact me again. This is very inappropriate."
I was crushed. In my heart, I knew she'd take it hard, but in my mind, I was hoping she'd be able to forgive me. I don't know if it was because I was frustrated and emotionally wrecked by what I had done, or because I hadn't slept, but at that moment I began to cry. I couldn't believe what I had done.
"Why her"? That's all I kept thinking. I had broken someone's trust, someone I barely knew, and yet for some reason I felt as though I had betrayed my best friend. To this day, I don't understand why I felt so burdened by what I had done and why I couldn't just shrug it off and move on with my life. I had destroyed a few insignificant friendships in the past, plus I barely knew this girl. She was no one of particular interest and to be honest, I didn't find her attractive at all. I guess it was because she was the daughter of a church pastor, plus she was only 17 and a bit of a sensitive personality.
"I'm screwed" I said to myself. There was no way I was ever going to be able to show my face in church again, and there was no way she was going to keep this to herself. I went back on line, just out of curiosity, to see if she had said anything about what I had sent her. Sure enough, she did. "Why is it always the creepers?"
"So, she thinks I'm a creeper?" I thought. It was actually kind of funny, like something a five year old would say. However, I wasn't easily amused. I had made a stupid mistake and I went out of my way to apologize, and got rejected. I spend an entire night feeling terrible about what I had done. Now, I was pissed.
I don't fully remember what I said, but looking back, I wish I hadn't been so harsh. After all, this was all my fault. She had every right to vent her feelings. I had decided to go to church the next day and confront her and try and explain myself, and apologize to her in person.
The next day I got up and went to church early. It was a cold and rainy Sunday morning. It's almost funny. It's as if God had chosen the weather specifically to match my mood. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Forty eight hours of no sleep. Awake all night, worrying, thinking, hoping, afraid of what I would say and what would happen. I was in a fog.
I waited, reluctantly awaiting her arrival. When I finally saw her I lost my nerve to approach her. It's as if fear and embarrassment had gotten the better of me. "It's too soon" I thought. I decided to give it some time to resonate before I tried talking to her.
That afternoon I went to the coffee shop down the street from my house to clear my head. It didn't work. The frustration of what I had done only continued to grow. I went back home to check my e-mail. Samantha had sent me a message, apologizing for what she posted. She also assumed something that I hadn't even considered. She thought I was "interested" in her. I sat there laughing histarically to myself. "How could I have not seen that coming?" I thought. I was totally taken aback by this assumption. I explained to her that that wasn't the case and that I never meant to mislead her into thinking I saw her as more than a friend.
The rest of the summer went by with no reply from Samantha and my frustration and guilt only continued to haunt me. I carried this cross on my back for three solid months. Finally, in September I had decided that I should talk to her father. I was pleasantly surprised at how well he seemed to take it. I was expection him to chew my head off. He told me that it was his idea that she apologize. That didn't make me feel any better. I was hoping that she had managed to apologize on her own. He also told me that she had completely forgotten about it. I didn't buy it. How could she forget something like that in such a short pereod of time?
Another week or so went by. I couldn't concentrate on anything but her. Now, I was even more discouraged. I felt as though she was trying to avoid me. I felt like there was nothing more I could do to make things right between us. I spent many restless nights awake, thinking of how I had felt betrayed by my own misdeed. I felt as if I was slipping slowly into madness. I had become obsessed with her and I wanted out, out of this hole that I was digging myself. I needed some real closure.
A week or so later I made one last attempt to reach out to her. I told her how this was making me feel. I had expressed to her that all I wanted was her forgiveness and nothing else. The next day she sent me a response, telling me not to worry and that she had forgiven me, and there was nothing to feel guilty about. At that moment, a smile came to my face, the first real sincere smile I'd smiled in months. I felt as if the shackles I had been dragging were loosened from me. I had decided that maybe it was worth a second chance. I had sent her a friend request. Little did I know that my insecurities were only beginning...
