No. 4

Deleted.

Oh my!

First off, very consistent wording. Nicely done. (The poem looks very pretty!)

Okay, the attraction here is interesting. Apparently she's a total jerk? Except for frilly things like the way she moves, obviously. Sorry--I'm sceptical about people like that in love poems.

It's a good poem about her. But I don't think I like her. Do you want people to like her, or do you want them to wonder at how you can love her even if she does all this stuff? If the latter, well, it worked.

I like all the metaphors!! All of them, and there are a lot! I particularly liked

she harms me like a mean-spirited joke,

which is not a metaphor you expect to encounter in a poem,

and this stanza:

She rides me like I'm a horse,
and beats me like I'm a child,
she sands me down like my edges are coarse,
and breaks me like I'm wild.

which is made of win! It even rhymes, which is a nice bonus. The last two lines of that stanza are awesome in themselves, but then you put the other two on top and make it rhyme!

I still don't like the girl. Of course, that's the point of love, isn't it?...

Mrs.E.D.

Hey Bolshevik,
Wow. When I read this, I can't help but notice how much it reminds me of "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel. That's a great song, and this is a great poem. But it needs some work.

she bites at me like a friendly tick,
and depresses me like a frown.

This is just one example out of a few that I could've picked. I feel like your similes could be soooooooooooooo much better. First of all, no tick is friendly, no matter how much you dress that up. Second, you frown because you are depressed, you usually are not depressed because of a frown. I'm not 100% sure, but I think I've read other work by you in the past, and I think you can do much better with these similes. Once you get that down, you've turned an average love poem into a distinctive work of art. Keep up the good work.
-Alex

She floats off the ground like a fairy,
and moves through the air like a feather,
she shines in the sky like a rainbow,
and kisses me like she's a raindrop. #FF0000 ">take out she's and put in, lightly like a raindrop

She pinches me like a leprecaun,
and teases me like she's a clown,
she snaps at me like a turtle,
and depresses me like she's a frown. #FF0000 ">take out "she's"

She freezes me like she's a blizzard, #FF0000 "> take out all but the first she's in the first and 3rd line
and burns me like she's a blaze,
she harms me like a mean-spirited joke,
and cuts at me like she's a blade.

She bleeds me like a doctor, #FF0000 "> take out all the she's except in the 1st and 3rd line
and smacks me like she's a nanny,
she watches me like a Big Brother,
and cages me like I'm a monkey. #FF0000 ">take out I'm

She rides me like I'm a horse,
and beats me like I'm a child,#FF0000 ">take out i'm again.
she sands me down like my edges are coarse, #FF0000 ">"she sands down my coarse edges." i know you were trying to rhyme them all but child and wild are enough to not ruin the flow with all the wordiness
and breaks me down like I'm wild.

Yet I can't help but think that I love her,
as she cuts my throat and impales me,
yes, certainly it is that I love her, #FF0000 ">yes, true love is my killer
even if it is her love that kills me. #FF0000 ">her love that is killing me

#FF0000 ">All the comments i made shouldn't be taken negatively. I do love your poem and i think it is the beginning of something great. The changes i'd make would keep the flow and increase the rhythm and speed. Take a look and let me know what you think. If you need any help and like my changes, PM for anything. Great job overall, good message!

Hello, Anger here. I haven't been reviewing poetry in awhile so don't take my reviews too seriously.

She floats off the ground like a fairy, How does she float of the ground like a fairy? Explain this to the reader. In order to aid you in explaining, each time you write something that you feel you haven't explained properly ask yourself 'Why?' and continue to do so until you don't know why anymore.
and moves through the air like a feather,
she shines in the sky like a rainbow,
and kisses me like she's a raindrop. I like the way you compare her to these various things, both good and bad.

Yet I can't help but think that I love her,
as she cuts my throat and impales me,
yes, certainly it is that I love her, I don't like this sentence, it sort of cuts off from the rest of the poem. And I feel like it's awkwardly worded.
even if it is her love that kills me. I wish this had ended on a much more ominous note, I preferred the line about the cutting of the throat and being impaled to the end line.

All in all, I like the way I know where the poem is going but the poem is a bit repetitive, you use certain words 'she' and 'her' so much after a while your words seem to blur. I liked the idea of the poem, but I don't think it's well executed. It goes on for so long that the ending doesn't have the same impact it should have had.

Hope this helped,

Anger

Wow!!! I really loved your poem. It seemed like you were playing with words. I really liked all the similes. They beautifully express what you want to say.
"She freezes me like she's a blizzard,
and burns me like she's a blaze"
I liked the use of opposites.
Keep up the good work.

She floats off the ground like a fairy, #FF0000 ">Uh, how does that work?
and moves through the air like a feather,
she shines in the sky like a rainbow, #FF0000 ">Ugh. So cliched.
and kisses me like she's a raindrop. #FF0000 ">Get rid of "she's."

She pinches me like a leprecaun, #FF0000 ">Should be "leprechaun." Also, why is "pinching" at all relevant?
and teases me like she's a clown, #FF0000 ">Get rid of "she's." *
she snaps at me like a turtle,
and depresses me like she's a frown. #FF0000 ">* This sounds so weird. Like it's forced.

She freezes me like she's a blizzard,#FF0000 "> *
and burns me like she's a blaze, #FF0000 ">* I can't stand this rhythm. So utterly cliched.
she harms me like a mean-spirited joke, #FF0000 ">"Mean?" That's pretty simplistic. I'm sure you can do better.
and cuts at me like she's a blade. #FF0000 ">* "Blaze" and "blade" sound too much alike.

She bleeds me like a doctor,
and smacks me like she's a nanny, #FF0000 ">* Meh.
she watches me like a Big Brother, #FF0000 ">Comparing a lady to a man is always really awkward. Also, why is "Big Brother" capitalized?
and cages me like I'm a monkey.

She rides me like I'm a horse,
and beats me like I'm a child, #FF0000 ">Sounds way too much like the nanny line.
she sands me down like my edges are coarse, #FF0000 ">Huh?
and breaks me down like I'm wild. #FF0000 ">Again...huh?

Yet I can't help but think that I love her,
as she cuts my throat and impales me,
yes, certainly it is that I love her, #FF0000 ">Weird wording.
even if it is her love that kills me. #FF0000 ">This stanza doesn't rhyme. Just because it's the same word doesn't mean they rhyme. Actually, if anything, it sounds weird.

Hope this proved useful.

-Kafka

I really like this and I think all of your comparisons are very different and not at all cliché. This poem is very different from most of the ones I read and I love it.

I don’t really have any nitpicks, so…..

Keep Writing!
Kay

Hi there.

Wow. Really well done.

If the subject was any less compelling, I would have called the form repetive. But here I think it really works.

For me it makes it punchy and clear. For some stories I find that lots of adjectives and lyrical descriptions because I can get in the way of the actually content.

So I really have no critism, please keep writing.

wow this is a really great poem i like how practically every line has a simile in it. it's a really good poem you're an awesome writer

Contrary to most here, i think the repetitive "she" and "her" emphasizes how she is the center of your world. I like this poem because i can relate to it. I once fell in love (or as close to love as a thirteen year old can get) with a boy who always made me sad. He made me cut (not literally telling me to cut, you get my point) hewas everything i would ever want, but he would never feel the same way. He would treat me like i was his everything then withdraw just when i thought he was serious. Thus, i was in much anguish, because i felt that he would be my death, no matter how much i loved him, and no matter how much i did not want to. I believe the end swept the whole thing away. You had all these emotions floating around, then you caught them and set them in stone, finalizing the devastating truth. I think you misspelled a word, but that is no matter. My only complaint would be the line

she depresses me like she's a frown

I think there is a stronger think than a frown that can cause depression. But otherwise, a strong poem and a nice finish. Good work.