When I found You

Hi, Hi, Hi!!! This is a poem I wrote when I was moving from my old house to a new one which approximately 2000miles from my old house... Army life does that to one... So I hope you like it... And if you are viewing it...PLEASE review...Good or bad, Negative or positive... I'm all ears...Or all eyes(since I'll be reading it). Please review!!!

When I Found You

When I found you,
It was the mid of monsoon.
You entered my life,
And stayed as a boon.

When I found you,
I found a new me.
A me that I had,
Been unable to see.

When I found you,
I found all the happiness.
You were like the moon,
Shining through the darkness.

When I found you,
I understood what is friendship.
Not whip, but a heart full of love,
Controls this relationship.

We have been together,
For three and a half years of the past
But now I have to Move out,
And so we must part.

But why do I think like this?
Maybe because i am a fool.
You are living in the deadly heat,
While I am in the cool.

We are separated,
By a thousand miles.
But even that isn’t enough,
To make me forget your smiles.

And so when I found you,
I found A mirror of me.

Okay, I liked the idea and overall flow of the poem, however, I have a few opinions on word choice and flow for the poem in general. There are a lot of extra words that cramp up the rhythm that I think would be better to be rid of rather than keep.

We have been together,
For three and a half years of the past (lengthy) I would find a way to rhyme this section or remove it all together
But now I have to Move out,
And so we must part.

Okay, so this section does not flow well because it breaks the one rule that the rest of the poem has.

I do like your poem, but I don't think it is to it's top potential yet. IF you would like some help revising or anything like that feel free to PM me.
overall good job

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. About half of this poem says absolutely nothing.

When I found you,
I found a new me.
A me that I had,
Been unable to see.

When I found you,
I found all the happiness.
You were like the moon,
Shining through the darkness.

When I found you,
I understood what is friendship.
Not whip, but a heart full of love,
Controls this relationship.

EDIT:

When I found you,
I was happy.

Instead of repeating this idea in different words for three whole stanzas and boring the heck out of your readers, why don't you just say that?

And what's up with your rhyming? It's off and on. It seems like in some places you at least tried to rhyme, but failed. For example "happiness" and "darkness" don't rhyme.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka

thanks for the review guys... And a million other thanks to the critics... I will work on it to edit and post it again... Thanks!!!
Harshita...

hey, i really liked the theme of this poem, i think its really rather sweet. But i do agree with the other two critiques, the rhyming and flow of it is off in places and the word choice could be changed to be made more suitable. Also, going back to the rhyming, i think most of it is pretty forced. I had the same problem when i first started writing poetry, what i tend to do is not rush into it, you have to let it come to you. If you can't find a rhyme easily, leave it awhile and come back to it, it will give you more ideas and allow you to find an easier pathway.

But yeah, i really liked it just go back through it, you have a lot of material to work with here, all it needs is perfecting