Remembering

Hey there, so i was just fooling around with some writing while i was taking a study break (school work sinks) and this is what was the result. It's not great and i really want to know what you all think. Anyway enjoy

It's so hard to remember that day; even though I was only seven at the time. After twelve years the memory was still so vivid, and I don’t think that it will ever leave my mind. How can the memory of a little girl still haunt her?

“Mummy, are we nearly there? It’s getting dark.”
She turned from the passenger seat of the car and gave me one of her big bright smiles; it was almost like she knew I was still scared of the dark, even if I hadn’t told her yet. She reached behind her and grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it tight.
“Its okay honey, we are nearly at Uncle Don's new house, promise.”
Mummy only ever said ‘promise’ if she really meant it; like the time she promised I could have ice cream if I was really, really good, and I was, so I got vanilla ice cream with coloured sprinkles. Mummy let go of my hand and turned back to the front of the car, it was almost as if she knew I wasn’t concentrating on the darkness anymore.

We drove for hours, or it felt like it. After awhile Mummy and Daddy got mad at each other and they started to talk real loud. Dad was saying stuff like ‘No I’m not’ and ‘this wouldn’t have happened if…’ Then Mummy would say ‘it’s entirely your fault’ and ‘if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be…’ It got really loud in the car. I tried to sleep but it didn’t work. I looked at Daddy for a bit, he ate a little white lolly and Mommy got even madder. 'Do you really think that's a good idea?!' I didn't want to hear anymore of the yelling so I pretended to wake up. Mummy and Daddy suddenly stopped.
“Go back to sleep sweetheart everything will be okay.”
I always do what Daddy says, so I closed my eyes real tight and tried to go to sleep to the sound of my Mummy and Daddy talking like they didn’t like each other very much.

The next time I woke up, it was completely dark apart from the light that came from the dashboard thingy. Mum was fast asleep, and Daddy looked like he was moving his head slowly up and down to music, but there wasn’t any. Daddy’s dancing always looked funny, but this dance was different. The car started moving to the side, and then to the other, it was sort of like a swing. Once we had turned around the corner I saw the lights of another car. Normally Daddy moved the car so it wasn’t on the same side of the road as us. The car started to get closer and closer and still Daddy didn’t move. Daddy’s head was still down and he hadn’t moved in awhile.
That’s when the other car got really close, and I got really scared.
“Daddy, look!”
I yelled at the top of my lungs, and Daddy’s head came up in a flash. Mummy woke up at the same time and screamed. Daddy couldn’t move out of the way in time and the other car hit us.

At first I didn’t really know what was happening in the car. There was a really loud bang; louder than Mummy’s scream. Then Daddy and Mummy disappeared in white bags that popped up like magic. As soon as they went away the car I don’t know how, but I got pushed forward. The seatbelt locked and wouldn’t let me go anywhere and it hurt a lot. When the car finally stopped moving and making the loud noises, I noticed that my head hurt very much. I started to become really terrified when everything started to turn black. I didn’t want it to get dark again; all I wanted was the lights to come back on.
“Mummy, Daddy!”


That's all i have so far.... Thanks for reading

Oh my goodness, this is very captivating. Very emotional, and sad... yet it leaves a couple questions. Like, where were they going? Is the child a little boy, or a little girl? (I'm probably the only one who would wonder that, but still I'm curious.) Please, if you do not mind, let me know when you are finished. I'd love to see how it ends.

its a good start......im dying to read furthur....good luck!!

Hello there!

I liked this - it's very captivating, and I would definitly like to read more.
Just a few things:

I remember the day as though it was yesterday

For me, this beginning is a bit cliche and oversed, maybe start with something more original? Your choice, though.

even though I was only 7 at the time. After 12 years the memory was still so vivid,

Remember to spell out numbers.

it was almost like she knew I was still scared of the dark, even if I hadn’t told her yet.

I really like this bit, it portrays the thoughts of a seven year old very well. :]

“Its okay honey, we are nearly there#FF0000 ">, promise.”

Maybe you could precise exactly where they're going? It's all a bit vague at the moment.

and Daddy looked like he was moving his head slowly up and down to music, but there wasn’t any. Daddy’s dancing always looked funny, but this dance was different.

I gather that Daddy is asleep, but I don't really get how he'd just fall asleep like that. Maybe the explanation will come later on, but for now I'm confused :/

I didn’t want it to get dark again; all I wanted was the lights to come back on.
“Mummy, Daddy!”

Good ending! Makes me want to read more straight away. I really liked the whole car crash scene, you described it well.

Overall:
I like how you've made the seven year old really sound seven, but it would be good if you could precise whether the MC is a girl or a boy, because it's not clear at the moment. It would also be good if you told us where they're going. And, one last thing, I think the beginning could be made stronger - you portrayed good emotion throughout the whole thing, but the beginning is quite blunt.
Apart from that, a good start! I hope you continue with this!

Hope I helped!
~Lilicia

Hey there,


Thank you so much for all of your comments! They have been noted and i will change them as soon as i have more than a few moments

Thanks again

kinda short but full of emotions....

Well done

Looking forward to next work