Mirror, Mirror

Gender

Points 444

Reviews 120

Mon Jan 31, 2011 9:51 pm

Emmzziee says... · Mon Jan 31, 2011 9:51 pm

Change my shadow,
my shapeshifting thing
twist me and bloat me and
make me cry,
for the beautiful girl
no more reflects in these eyes.

My magic mirror
Speak for me;
am I the creature
with which I loathe to see?
Are you the cause
of this useless pain
or are you simply
lying again?

Tangled mess,
Greasy skin,
Chubby tummy,
Double chin?

Is this ugly girl
that I see
in my mind,
... Or really me?

This is pretty short... but... I am rather sleepy

Last edited by Emmzziee on Sat Jul 09, 2011 11:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

I want to play a game.

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FreedAlice

Gender

Points 1091

Reviews 2

Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:24 pm

FreedAlice says... · Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:24 pm

Never mind short, I love it! I can feel her emotions perfectly with the wonderful descriptions!

"Friends are forever...
You just can't get rid of them like you used to in the old days...!" - My gramps

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earendil

Gender

Points 2543

Reviews 131

Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:34 am

earendil says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:34 am

Emmzziee wrote:Change my shadow,
my shapeshifting thing I like shapeshifting, but you should use a stronger adjective in place of "thing"
twist me and bloat me and
make me cry,
for the beautiful girl
no more reflects in these eyes. I like what you're trying to say here, but the way you worded this line makes it sound like it's not even a sentence. Perhaps you meant "who no longer reflects in these eyes"?

My magic mirror, comma
Speak for me;
am I the creature
with which I loathe to see? Again, very awkward wording of a line. I would try removing the word "with".
Are you the cause
of this useless pain
or are you simply
lying again? Love this Mirrors can be tricky.

Tangled mess,
Greasy skin,
Chubby tummy,
Double chin?

Is this an ugly girl
that I see
in my mind?
... Or really me? If you plan on keeping this ending, perhaps change it to "Or is she / really me?" "Or really me" looks a bit poorly constructed.

Overall, though, for a short piece this is pretty good. It could use a little work, but I definitely enjoyed giving it a look. Keep it up!

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Matthews

Gender

Points 4870

Reviews 145

Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:09 am

Matthews says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:09 am

Nice. This was great! I thought it was very well written. Neat job.

Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

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StoryWeaver13

Gender

Points 28282

Reviews 884

Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:21 am

StoryWeaver13 says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:21 am

This was really good! Sad to say, I don't really have any critiques, considering how well it's already been covered. And really, this doesn't need improvement to be a good poem, because it's already airtight as-is. This was something really relateable, and you put it in a way that was simple and personal at the same time.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket

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Miyakko

Gender

Points 4908

Reviews 165

Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:22 am

Miyakko says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:22 am

Hey Emmzziee,

I loved this poem! I think it's the perfect length, so don't worry too much about that. It flowed well, had a great rhyming scheme, was simple to read, yet had a lot of emotion. Great! I also think it was a great topic to write about, something that relates to many people's weight issues, especially young girls. I guess this'll really help them to notice they're not alone and your reaching out to them with this poem.

Great job! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

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Amberla93

Gender

Points 925

Reviews 61

Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:57 am

Amberla93 says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:57 am

I liked this alot. I'm very many people could relate to it, and we all like things we can relate to.. Good job

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BookWormOnIce

Gender

Points 1140

Reviews 6

Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:30 pm

BookWormOnIce says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:30 pm

I loved this poem it was really creative and Imaginative.
Change my shadow,
my shapeshifting thing
twist me and bloat me and
make me cry,
for the beautiful girl
no more reflects in these eyes.

My magic mirror
Speak for me;
am I the creature
with which I loathe to see?
Are you the cause
of this useless pain
or are you simply
lying again?

Tangled mess,
Greasy skin,
Chubby tummy,
Double chin?

Is this ugly girl
that I see
in my mind?
... Or really me?

Quote

PandaAiKorai

Gender

Points 2492

Reviews 77

Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:33 pm

PandaAiKorai says... · Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:33 pm

I'm going to assume you purposely didn't rhyme the first stanza? That bothers me a little, but for the most part, nice poem! It does reflect- figuratively, haha!- what some of us, especially females, feel whenever looking in the mirror (not saying males aren't unable to feel insecure). Always wondering what is real, and what your mind is conjuring. Keep writing.

~Panda;;

Southern hospitality just ain't what it used to be...

...Ain't what it used to be...

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lele253isme

Gender

Points 1245

Reviews 142

Tue Mar 08, 2011 5:15 am

lele253isme says... · Tue Mar 08, 2011 5:15 am

I love it. I read a similar poem in Teen Ink. It conveys a message of truth that us girls need to hear.

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Ritaki

Gender

Points 1040

Reviews 10

Tue Mar 08, 2011 7:41 pm

Ritaki says... · Tue Mar 08, 2011 7:41 pm

This is definitely one of my favorites. Being someone who is quite interested in psychology, I very much enjoyed this and found your delivery of such an emotional theme very effective. However, the few critiques I have have been already summed up by the others!

Keep Writing!

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