Love Poetry

Hello! This is my first real post to the community. I want others to enjoy my poetry, other than I alone. I hope you enjoy it. Please review. Thanks so much!

2-24-11
Every morning I wake up,
I breathe fresh air
Sometimes it’s like you’re there
My mind it always wanders
Somewhere far away
It’s farther that anybodies
World, it’s a place nobody knows
I dream of you and me, happy as can be
But then I suddenly realize
It’s all a daydream, nothing real ~♥
_____________________________
2-25-11
A dream and a daydream
Their two different things
One’s real
One’s not
One’s reality
One’s fantasy
One’s pain
One’s love~♥
__________________________
I daydream all day
About who?
About you
My body may be here
But my mind is elsewhere
I never dream
I have nightmares
I only daydream
About who?
About
You~♥
________________________
When I stare at the sky
I feel the need to cry
I dream of you
And you too dream of me
I stare at the clouds
I watch them pass by
I tell them to send you
A message of how much
I love you
I don’t even know you
But somehow you’re my half
We’ll meet someday
We will meet in my daydreams
I hope I’m yours
Because if I love you
You should love me
Too~♥
____________________
What if I hear your foot-steps,
Coming up my stairs?
What if I hear your voice,
Calling my name?

What if I feel your lips
Just against mine?
What if I thought there was
A you and me?
Well that means that
I fell for you
I fell in
Love~♥
______________________________
My dreams fade away
Why do they, why do they?
Why won’t my nightmares go away?
Why don’t they, why don’t they?
Why don’t you come to me?
Why, why?
Why don’t I fell your lips
Just against mine?
Or hear your heart beat?
I can feel your love
But somehow, I don’t feel you~♥
____________________
I feel the need to stop
When I see a white Ford
Truck, I know you’re in it
But then, I take a second look
And you’re not in the passenger seat
I don’t know why I bother
Because no matter how much I’m
In love with you
You just don’t love me back~♥
______________________________
I know I hear your foot-steps
They just fade away
I know I feel your voice calling my name
But the darkness lets it go away
I know I feel your heart beat
It just fades away
I know I feel you lips
Soft against mine
It just goes away
I know I feel your love
It too fades away
Why do you fade away?
Tell me why
I love you
I want you to love me too
I want to hear your footsteps
Stepping in the rain
I want to hear your voice
The light in my dark
I want to feel your heartbeat
To know you are alive
I wan to feel your soft lips
Kissing mine
I want to feel your love
I really do
Please don’t fade away
I love you~♥
__________________________
When the rain starts to fall I long for you
When the rain starts to fall I become cold
When the rain starts to fall I run high fevers
When the rain starts to fall I want you
When the rain starts to fall I need you
When the rain starts to fall I long for you
To be at my side
When the rain starts to fall I want to love
You even more~♥
_____________________________________
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I? I feel alone
But why?
Shouldn’t you be
At my side? I want you
I need you, right by my side
I need to feel your lips,
Just against mine~♥
____________________________
What if you heard my footsteps,
Coming up your stars?
What if you heard my voice,
Calling out your name?
What if you felt my heart
Pounding in my chest?
What if you felt the touch of my lips
Right against yours?
Would you believe in you and me?
Would you realize I exist?
Would you love me?
_________________________________________
2-26-11
Do you love me? Do you love me?
Because I do
Do you really love me?
I want you to
Love me please love me
Because I need you~♥
______________________________________________
I thought I heard your foot-steps
Coming up my stairs
I thought I heard your voice
Bellowing my name
For a split second I felt your
Hearts beat
For a moment, I felt your lips
Kiss mine
But suddenly my dream faded away
I realized I had awoken to my world
I had awoken into Hell~♥
________________________________


Why can’t I feel you, right next to me?
Why won’t you come?
I just want you
I really, really do
Why do you leave me alone?
A lost soul in this world
All I do is wait for you
Because I want you to come
I feel lost without you
My compass, it is broken
I just can’t find away
I’m a lost soul
I’m a broken soul too~♥
__________________________________________
My heart is a delicate black rose
It has bloomed all to well
It lets out dark and evil
I need you to get rid of it
Turn it a bright pink
Fill it with your joy
Fill it with love
Fill my soul with laughter
Give it the love it’s never had
Give me the power to fight
Give me the power to trust
Give me the power to love
To love you~♥
______________________________
When the wind blows
It whispers my name
When the wind blows
I can hear your voice
It brings your love to me
My hair goes with the wind
It shows me the path
To where you are
I want to follow it
But something stops me every time
I feel a tear run down my cheek
As my hand falls back at my side
I desire to know who you are
I know we will meet someday
But I want to meet you now
All I can do is cry
All I can do is hope
Hope for your love~♥
_________________
I want to see the lightning
As it flashes in the sky
I want to hear the thunder
As booms in my ears
I want to feel the excitement
Hear the pounding of my heart
It illuminates the path
To where you are~♥
__________________________________
Why can’t I have courage?
Why can’t I have pride?
Why can’t I posses bravery?
Not even if I try
I can’t do all I want
I can’t have it all
It seams the only things
That I posses are
Misery
Regret
Weakness
And somewhere along the lines
I find a
Broken soul~♥
___________________________________
I just can’t find a way
To escape from my hell
To escape from my life
I have a key
But no lock
I see so many too
Somehow I just can’t open any
I want to find the perfect one
Not just force it in
Because the both of us will hurt
I need to find the perfect lock
The one I can open
The one I can reveal
I need the one for me
I need you~♥
_______________________________
Don’t pay attention to me
Just leave me be
I’m a lost cause
I’m a broken soul
I can never be repaired
Nothing will stitch me back
To when I was naive and young
When I had no clue about cruelty
And pain, and inequality and love
I had no clue about torture and racism
I have been broken since the day I was 5
I felt cruelty and racism in my soul
I was no longer pure
My soul turned pitch black and sour
Because someone wanted to feel good about themselves
And take away their pain
They made me suffer and hurt
Leave me be
I’m a lost cause
I’m a broken soul
I want to be courageous and more
But someone hurt me
Now I’m lost
People try to repair me
Comfort me
Provide physiological help
But no matter how many stitches
How much glue
How many acres of trees you use
I’ll never be who I was
A naive young girl with a bright pure soul
I am no longer that girl anymore
My soul pitch black
My heart impure
But just because she hurt me
Because they hurt her
I don’t hate life just for that
We all have to come out someday
Our souls, each and every one of us
Will turn black
Mine was too soon
I had much to experience
But my soul exists no more~♥
_____________________________________
I thought I heard you bellowing my name
I turned but saw not a soul
Was it you? Was it really you?
Did you try and call to me?
Did you try to find me?
I want to feel you close
Whenever you call my name
That’s the only time my name sounds so sweet
Whenever you call it
I begin to hear your voice
For the very first time
When will we meet?
I hope it’s soon
I just need to love you~♥
_____________________________
I want to leave
I want to leave this world I’m in
I need to escape
Escape into my daydreams
I want to meet you
I know I can’t
Not for real
I know our daydreams connect
Because I can feel your soul
We hug and kiss but we have to leave
I dread it when I have to wake into living Hell~♥
____________________________________________
Soul mate stuff
It’s invaded my mind
I haven’t met the one yet
I don’t think I ever will
Soul mates
I’m starting to think they are a load of crap
I can’t find him
I just can’t!
Never dated
Never will
Because guess what?
I’m a lost cause, a broken soul~♥
______________________________________
I see the ground
I see the sky
But I don’t know the reasons why
Why must we all die?
Not all of us are happy
Some are happy with love
I just say
Let me die
I have a dark soul no matter what~♥
_______________________________
I will edit soon!!

Post one poem at a time


You need to work on the cliches in your poems. They have an angsty, whining way to them. Don't get me wrong, that's the way love is but you have to word it uniquely, because people get tired of the monotones of love.

It’s all a daydream, nothing real

I enjoy this ending, especially the 'nothing real' on the end. It's very sincere.

Best of luck!

Ooh, interesting. It kind of reminds me of the Song of Songs by Solomon since it's a collection of poems that go back and forth on love and loss and such, but they're all strangely interwoven together so that it needs to be together in order for it to be complete. Except, whereas that piece is narrated by the two lovers and their dialogue, this is written by one not-yet lover, if that makes sense. But I think it's cool because I think that, separated, the poetry would be rather lacking, but together, it has a nice flow to it that I like. A story, if you will.

I think it would be really neat if we could see more of who this dream guy is. More description of him, as it were. That will really help us come up with a concrete image in our mind on who he is and make the tragedy at the end tons more poignant.

Another thing! You might want to spell check your poem and such. There are a bunch of bad misspellings and bad grammar, and that rather hurts the poem. You want your readers to enjoy your poem, not get tripped up by it. Also, you don't have to end every stanza with ~<3. The poem will be a whole lot more powerful if you don't.

Good luck!

Welcome to YWS!

There were several I really liked, such as "I want to see the lightning," and "why can't I have courage?" (I probably liked this one because I empathise with the sentiment, as any people who read a silly poem I wrote a while ago will remember )

Things like grammar and spelling and punctuation and rhythm always affect the way I read something tremendously, because I'm an audio person and I hear the words in my head. I also like to leave long comments about specific bits because I find it a lot easier to correct something if it's specific than if it's general and it's hard to tackle specific things in a short comment. Some of my suggestions:

The poems really go well together, but en masse they are a little daunting. I don't know if they could be separated by subject? Most likely not. Snoink pointed out that it was like the Song of Solomon; yes, but the Song of Solomon on YWS would be extremely difficult to critique.

A dream and a daydream
They're two different things

Their is possessive, with an r at the end like your or her, they're is they-are, there is over there, spelled like here. You seem to be usually pretty good about stuff like this, so this might just be a typo.

For a split second I felt your
Hearts beat

Does he have more than one heart?

My heart is a delicate black rose
It has bloomed all too well

Probably a typo. You're good about this too.

As I said, I really like the lightning poem. Only the 'booms' throws me off. The word 'boom' should not be in any kind of a serious poem. It's such a lovely, intense poem, but your poetic language breaks down with the 'boom.'

Why can't I possess bravery?

Posses is the plural of posse

It seems the only things
That I possess are

Seams is the plural of seam, which is a sewing term; seems means to appear as though. I really like this poem too. Maybe have it be

I find
A broken soul

instead of

I find a
Broken soul

You're probably emphasising the broken soul, right? It's a theme of yours. But the rhythm works a little better and I don't think it takes that much away.

People try to repair me
Comfort me
Provide physiological help

Do you mean physiological or psychological? You probably know physiological has to do with the body and psychological has to do with the mind. In the context, psychological makes a bit more sense...

But no matter how many stitches
How much glue
How many acres of trees you use
I'll never be who I was

I love this!! It's like a band-aid on a bullet wound--you have to go so much deeper than glue!

I tend to prefer cheerful things, so obviously I can't really comment on the content, but I'd go with Kat in the main: it's a little whiny in places. I'm not a fan of repeating the same depressing topic, but I do like the different styles with the same content, if that makes any sense. You sound like you're in a pretty low point in your life and you express that well in verse, just be careful that you don't lose your reader through constant violin playing.

Glad to have you with us, LostSoul!

Mrs.E.D.