A Short Freewrite

If you're wondering what a freewrite is, it's where you write whatever comes into your head first.

His name is Martin Freeman. He’s not free, not really, but he has his two daughters and that’s all he’s really wanted in life; to be loved, and to love back. Their mother doesn’t want them, but he does, and in his mind that makes all the difference. He wants them to do so much. He wants them to live life the way they want. One of them is six, and the other is Eight-Almost-Nine, and they both adore their father so very much. They’re intelligent children; they realise that Mummy didn’t want them and that Daddy saved them from that life. They realise that he’s not going to be around forever. They both go to school and know that many of their friends and peers aren’t as... as lucky as they are.
They have friends at that school. One of them is called Chloe. Her daddy isn’t like that. She doesn’t have a daddy, in fact. Not even a mummy. Just a lady she called Jane and Chloe lives with Jane but Jane loves Chloe even though she’s not Chloe’s mummy. It makes sense - really. Jane isn’t very affectionate, and Chloe feels like she’s missing out on somethi... well, a lot. She envies her friends that are six and Eight-Almost-Nine.
The teacher at their school is different from all of them. She’s pretty, but not very clever, and only managed to work at the school because her father is the headmaster. She works with the little kids, and they adore her. Her name is Emma. Emma is short and blonde and always wears what she sees first in her wardrobe, and she doesn’t care what people think of her. Oh yes, she’s sick of being laughed at, so she lets it happen. She’s happy, and that what matters, right? Right?
She’s not so sure anymore.

Hi there!

Okay, I like this in as far as it is and think you could definitely take it somewhere. Here are my nitpicks:

If you're wondering what a freewrite is, it's where you write whatever comes into your head first.

His name is Martin Freeman. He’s not free, not really, but he has his two daughters and that’s all he’s really wanted in life; [semicolon should probably be a colon] to be loved, and to love back. Their mother doesn’t want them, but he does, and in his mind that makes all the difference. He wants them to do so much [to DO so much? This is a bit confusing. Perhaps strike it, since the next sentence tells more.]. He wants them to live life the way they want. One of them is six, and the other is Eight-Almost-Nine, [I love "eight-almost-nine," but I'd get rid of the capitalization] and they both adore their father so very much. They’re intelligent children; they realise that Mummy didn’t want them and that Daddy saved them from that life. [mmm..."saved them from that life" bothers me. Maybe they realize that Daddy DOES want them.] They realise that he’s not going to be around forever. They both go to school and know that many of their friends and peers aren’t as... as lucky as they are. [why the pause here? It seems unnecessary...]

They have friends at that school. [strike "that".] One of them is called Chloe. Her daddy isn’t like that. She doesn’t have a daddy, in fact. Not even a mummy. Just a lady she called ["called" should be "calls" because it's all been in present tense so far] Jane [period.] and Chloe lives with Jane but Jane loves Chloe even though she’s not Chloe’s mummy. [I'd strike "and Chloe lives with Jane but" - since Jane is all Chloe has, we take it for granted that Chloe lives with her. Start the sentence at "Jane loves Chloe..."] It makes sense - really. Jane isn’t very affectionate, [she's not? But you just told us that she loves Chloe even though she's not Chloe's mother.] and Chloe feels like she’s missing out on somethi... well, a lot. [I like the use of this ellipsis.] She envies her friends that are six and Eight-Almost-Nine. [again, no capitalization here.]

The teacher at their school is different from all of them. She’s pretty, but not very clever, and only managed to work at the school because her father is the headmaster. She works with the little kids, and they adore her. Her name is Emma. Emma is short and blonde and always wears what she sees first in her wardrobe, and she doesn’t care what people think of her. Oh yes, she’s sick of being laughed at, so she lets it happen. ["so" would be better as "but" - "she's sick of being laughed at, BUT she lets it happen."] She’s happy, and that what matters, right? Right?

She’s not so sure anymore.

Okay, so all the things in bold are just little errors that are easily fixed. The only big critique I have to make is: I don't really know who to follow. In the first half of the first paragraph, Martin seems to be the main character. Halfway through that paragraph, it switches to his girls, except that we don't know their names yet. In the next paragraph, it seems to be Chloe, and at the end it seems to be Emma.

But I realize that this is a freewrite, so I know you haven't necessarily decided where this is going or who the main character is going to be, so actually you can probably ignore that for now. Overall, good job, and I hope to see more from you.

~Blue

Hello!

I usually start a review off by picking out the nitpicks, but I think Blue has already done that, so I'll just skip that!

So I quite liked this story in the sense that it was really easy to follow, but the thing is, I don't know WHO to follow. Martin? Chloe? Emma? Each character seemed to be equally focalised which made it quite confusing. Nevertheless, I think you've managed to write a good outline of a story as it does have quite a lot of potential. You've gripped me and I'm interested in reading more if you're going to take this idea and work on it as a novel. In a way, it sounded more of a synopsis than anything else, but yeah. Impressive free-writing!

Thien