The King and the Magician.

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It was a dark and stormy night; Alex was pacing in his chamber. He frowned. He was thinking of something. Something very frustrating to him. How to defeat the King. The King was an evil man that was in power for over thirty years. Soon, his son would be old enough to take the crown.

His son was a short kid with dark, midnight black hair. He liked to ride horses into town to spit at the commoners and buy some weapons. His name was John.

Alex couldn’t bear to think of John’s grinning face; it made him want to throw up. The system was so corrupt in his world, and the king and his son were the root of the problem.

Alex conjured up a glass of water. He could do this because he was a magician. He was his world’s only magician. Everyone was relying on him to defeat the evil king. Frustrated, he threw his glass to the ground and angrily walked out of his room. His cape swooshed around him because he was walking too fast.

He was about to go talk to his friend, Jordan, who knew a lot about weaponry so that he could find out which weapon to kill the king with, but he was stopped by a very pretty girl.

He stopped walking to stare at her. She was very beautiful. She had long red hair with freckles. He felt like he would die just to have her hand in marriage.

“What?” she asked.

He realized that his jaw was dropped almost to the floor and quickly looked away. But, he wanted really badly to look back, so he glanced over into her green eyes again. “You’re…beautiful.” He said.

She smiled and walked away. He stood there, his jaw dropped back to where it was.

His friend, Jordan, came up to him. “Why were you hitting on Elena?” He said.

“She’s… beautiful.” Alex said.

“Well, you can’t like her. She has a boyfriend.” Jordan said.

“Oh.” Alex said as he frowned. But he still liked her.

A few weeks passed. Alex was studying some spells and how to use a sword. The king was still alive and so was his son. Jordan came up to Alex smiling. “Elena broke up with her boyfriend!” he said.

“No way!” Alex smiled too.

“Yes.” Jordan said.

Just then, Elena came out of a door to the right of them. “Alex!” She ran up to him and hugged him.

He hugged her back. “I love you, Elena.”

“I love you too!” Elena said. “Let’s get married.”

But before Alex could reply there was a big BOOM sound. A loud laugh came from behind them. They all turned around to see the evil king!

“Hello you filthy commoners. I heard that you were the magician. You will not be a magician for very long though.” He said to Alex.

Alex tried to cast a spell but nothing worked on the king.

“Fool!” He laughed. “Your powers are useless. Elena was actually a spy! I had her put potions into your drinks at all of your meals when you weren’t looking. The potion worked. You cannot stop me foolish boy.”

“But I can.” Someone said from behind the king.

It was Eric, the blacksmith. He screamed and ran toward the king, putting a long spear into the middle of his stomach. The king started to cry and he fell.

Then, everyone in the whole world celebrated. They had parties with cakes and presents and everyone finally was able to laugh again and smile.

The End.

Oh, P.S. ...this was for Snoink's bad writing contest. Was it terrible enough?
Last edited by onceuponatim3xo on Fri Mar 04, 2011 8:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Before I begin to review, please forgive me for what I'm about to say.

Thank God for the P.S. I was started losing the will to live after reading the first sentence. It was so bad that I skipped down to see the end before deciding if I was going to review it or not. As this is supposed to be a bad piece then you did your job a little too well :P
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Oh it was terrible enough. I think the writer in me is in its death-throws. :D

The clichés were excellent and the whole piece was so devoid of imagery it made me squirm in my chair. But as I believe that the contest entitles good grammar, however, just check up a few things:

It was a dark and stormy night; Alex was pacing in his chamber.

Should be a semi-colon.

Alex couldn’t bear to think of John’s grinning face; it made him want to throw up.

That too should be a semi-colon... I think. It might work with a normal comma here though. Up to you.

That really was only a few things... A deliciously horrid piece. Good luck with that contest! :)
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haha MY was this horrible :P. As the others pointed out, an excellent job including most (if not all) of the clichés one expects to find in such a story. A brilliant piece, I must say. I could not help but comment on your atrocious talent xD. Good luck with the contest, by the way!




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Ahahaha I love how this has almost 60 views but only three critiques because either no one wanted to start the long process of telling me everything that was wrong with this or it just made their brain want to explode.

Thanks for reviewing guys. :)
-Once
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
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Ooers, another fairy tale! I adore those.

I think you were wrong in your refusal to add more detail... you have an interesting story beginning, but then it kind of fizzes off and rushes toward the end, like you were trying to end the torment of writing such an awful story as opposed to totally enjoying yourself as you sucked completely. So yeah! You broke off too quickly, I think.

I would have also preferred it to delve into the romance a bit more, because it seemed lacking in this area. So lots of descriptions of the girl, lots of feelings from Alex, etc., etc. You could have wallowed in bad writing here, but you chose not to, which is a bit odd, since after all this is a bad writing contest.

And you missed the perfect opportunity for an awful monologue from the king as he died. He just... died. Which isn't very exciting at all.

Also, I asked you to use good grammar. I'm not sure if you meant to do this or not but this is bad grammar:

She smiled and walked away. He stood there, his jaw dropped back to where it was.

His friend, Jordan, came up to him. “Why were you hitting on Elena?” He said.

“She’s… beautiful.” Alex said.

“Well, you can’t like her. She has a boyfriend.” Jordan said.

“Oh.” Alex said as he frowned. But he still liked her.


Your punctuation is not proper. It should be this:

She smiled and walked away. He stood there, his jaw dropped back to where it was.

His friend, Jordan, came up to him. “Why were you hitting on Elena?” he said.

“She’s… beautiful,” Alex said.

“Well, you can’t like her. She has a boyfriend,” Jordan said.

“Oh,” Alex said as he frowned. But he still liked her.


And you make this mistake consistently in your story, so not really good! Make sure you learn these dialogue grammar rules. I promise you, they are highly useful! :)
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