Crash

You are hit by the fractal doom,
shot down,
lacerated,
and now the car swerves away into
the bloody jaws,
annihilated.
Screeching tires, like dominoes
they fall,
decapitated,
a meteorite in the soundscape, running
footsteps,
insinuated.
Destroy him, his dripping hands, his
charred face.
Miscalculated.
He too is eaten, spit out onto the concrete.

Amazing! i liked everything about it. You used very strong vocab, had vivid imagery, and had an incredible structure. A very grim mood, but I found it entertaining.

Hey Kafka!

First of all, I don't really like the second person here. Next of all, you have so many destructive images together here that it's almost a hodgepodge of images and as such, there's no real strong image that you can hook onto and really get involved with. Figure out what you want to say and then say it.

Best of luck!

There's not really anything to relate to... It's just a lot of random images that aren't tied to any thought. Other than that you're good. Good luck, keep writing.

Very nice, I liked it. The Imagery is fast, and descriptive enough for me to get a picture, it's like when you see a movie and they flash a bunch of Images buy. It feels dramatic, and I think it just throws it's mood at you, in a good way. It hits you unexpectedly, trigger an emotion, no matter how little and indescribable. It leaves me searching for that emotion, and that is why it will stick with me. I think Stephen Kind once said something along the lines of how the unexplained is what stays with us the longest; because my mind pulled out bland imagery, it ended up filling it all in, sometimes being un-descriptive can accomplish the job.

Oh yeah, it's like whenever I say and do something it comes back to get me, or when I think I escaped, everything collapses!

--ShadowKnight155

Personally I'm not a big fan of the style, but that doesn't make it bad poetry. That's just my opinion.

Kafkaescence wrote:You are hit by the fractal doom,
shot down,
lacerated,
and now the car swerves away into
the bloody jaws,
annihilated.
Screeching tires, like dominoes
they fall,
decapitated,
a meteorite in the soundscape, running
footsteps,
insinuated.
Destroy him, his dripping hands, his
charred face.
Miscalculated.
He too is eaten, spit out onto the concrete.

First off, "hit" doesn't do your first line any justice, and neither does "doom." Hit is just a bland word in general and doesn't really do well in poetry such as yours, where you are obviously capable of coming up with a better word to replace it. Doom, on the other hand, could go a couple of different ways. Some people may be fine with the word and think that it serves your work well. On the other hand, I'd be inclined to argue that "doom" is such a dramatic word in a way that's almost unnecessary. I don't just mean in your piece (if anything, you made it work better than most), but anywhere. It's just an annoying word that sounds a bit cliche and well overrated.

Haha. You used the word "soundscape" in this. Win.

The ending is a bit questionable (more specifically, the last four lines). The word choice in the first two could be tweaked maybe, and the way you break your rhyme scheme to have the poem end with "concrete"... I don't know. You tell me. Does it really sound that good? Ultimately it's your decision, but do look over it, at least. I like what you're trying to say, not so much the way you said it. But, again, I'm naturally biased toward my own preference in poetry style, so take this all with a grain of salt.

Other than that, I like this. Your word choice for the most part is great as usual, and it's good to see you writing again. Seems like it's been a while.

Very nice, Kafka This poem is truly well written. I have no critique to give. You are simply a great writer. I loved how you constructed this poem. It was very strong and just awesome to read. Especially the use and placement of these words, they really stuck out in my head:

You are hit by the fractal doom,
shot down,
lacerated,
and now the car swerves away into
the bloody jaws,
annihilated.
Screeching tires, like dominoes
they fall,
decapitated,
a meteorite in the soundscape, running
footsteps,
insinuated.
Destroy him, his dripping hands, his
charred face.
Miscalculated.
He too is eaten, spit out onto the concrete.

You have great style. Keep it up!