Encased in a little, black, velvet box

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I just woke up after having this dream..

“Today is the best day of my life! I think he is going to propose. No.. No I didn't actually look inside the box, Brina. No! I'm not going to look at the engagement ring..”


Emma found the little box in his jacket pocket. When she did her heart started to race and she got giddy with excitement. She knew he was going to do it soon. She just knew. She felt it deep down. She never thought the day would come so soon. To make it look like she didn't discover the box, stuffed it back into the jacket pocket and set the jacket down on the couch. She spun around and gave a giggle. She had to get to work right away. Everything was to be perfect.

That night absolutely everything was perfect. Emma prepared his favorite meal and changed into the gorgeous blue dress he had bought her for her birthday. She slipped into a pair of black heels and fixed her hair in a way that hinted her romantic mood. She looked at the clock on her way to the kitchen and her heart skipped a beat. Soon, he be home. We will have a nice dinner and he will ask me to marry him. We will live together for ever and ever. She thought as she brought a bottle of wine to the table.

After dinner was ready and Emma made sure, twice, that the mood was just right, she sat in a chair to await his arrival. She sat in the chair for two hours and fifty-three minutes before she heard his car pull into the driveway. She stood up and crossed her arms, waiting for him to enter. She heard him fumbling for the right key but the keys were dropped. She heard his curse and her eyes widened with anger. He went to the bar and now he is drunk!! she thought. Just as she finished her thought, the door flung open and he stepped through the door. She watched him throw his stuff onto the couch, silently.

“Good evening, honey.” She said to him after a moment of silence. He looked up at her, his eyes a bloody red. He started stumbling toward her.

“Come here, you filthy wench!” he growled and seized her by her arms, squeezing them like a constrictor would its prey. “I heard what you did.. It's going through town about you and him!” he hissed and brought her closer. She winced and turned her head away to keep from inhaling the stench that came from his mouth. He gave her a violent shake, “Look at me, woman!” She hesitantly turned her head back to face him and trembled. He has never acted like this. She cried to herself. She was on the verge of tears.

He pulled back a hand and smacked her across the face, leaving his mark. “Are you going to admit your fault, Emma? ARE YOU!?” Receiving an answer of sobs, he sneered and shoved her to the ground. “I always knew you would be unfaithful. Here I was, planning on marrying you and I find out you have been sneaking around behind my back..,” he started to pace in front of her. “Shut up, woman!! Quit your damn crying!! It's unbecoming.” He kicked her in the chest, causing her to land on her back, more tears coming to the surface.

“It's good that I married someone else, Emma. I was going to make the worst mistake of my life if I married you! You are going to suffer for the pain you caused me,” He said quietly and picked up the wine bottle. He opened it and took a swig before smashing it against her head. He laughed and watched as the blood soaked the carpet. After thinking her dead, he turned and walked toward the door.

Emma watched him go, her vision blurry and her head aching. I didn't do anything!!! she wanted to shout but couldn't manage a word. The door slammed shut and Emma reached for the phone that had been knocked off the table when he had stumbled in. She felt the keys for the redial button and pushed it. Someone answered the phone on the other end, an excited voice. All Emma could say before she passed out, was one whispered word, “help.”
Last edited by Shortasaurus on Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
"There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line."
~Oscar Levant

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
~ Albert Einstein
(heehee about gravitation :P)




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This story was a good read but a few mistake here and there.

Today is the best day of my life! I think he is going to propose. No.. No I didn't actually look inside the box, Brina. No! I'm not going to look at the engagement ring..” #BF0000 ">Brina?



Emma found the little box in his jacket pocket. When she did her heart started to race and she got giddy with excitement. She knew he was going to do it soon. She just knew. She felt it deep down. She never thought the day would come so soon. To make it look like she didn't discover the box, stuffed it back into the jacket pocket and set the jacket down on the couch. She spun around and gave a giggle. She had to get to work right away. Everything was to be perfect.#FF0000 ">I like how you describe the happiness and excitement of this girl.

That night absolutely everything was perfect. Emma prepared his favorite meal and changed into the gorgeous blue dress he had bought her for her birthday. She slipped into a pair of black heels and fixed her hair in a way that hinted her romantic mood. She looked at the clock on her way to the kitchen and her heart skipped a beat. Soon, he be home. We will have a nice dinner and he will ask me to marry him. We will live together for ever and ever. She thought as she brought a bottle of wine to the table. #BF0000 ">Maybe fix the 'We will live together together for ever and ever' It's a bit cliche. Maybe to something more mature.

After dinner was ready and Emma made sure, twice, that the mood was just right, she sat in a chair to await his arrival. She sat in the chair for two hours and fifty-three minutes before she heard his car pull into the driveway. She stood up and crossed her arms, waiting for him to enter. She heard him fumbling for the right key but the keys were dropped. She heard his curse and her eyes widened with anger. He went to the bar and now he is drunk!! #FF0000 ">Sheshe thought. Just as she finished her thought, the door flung open and he stepped through the door. She watched him throw his stuff onto the couch, silently.

“Good evening, honey.” She said to him after a moment of silence. He looked up at her, his every a bloody red. He started stumbling toward her. #FF0000 ">His every a bloody red?

“Come here, you filthy wench!” he growled and seized her by her arms, squeezing them like a constrictor would its prey. “I heard what you did.. It's going through town about you and him!” he hissed and brought her closer. She winced and turned her head away to keep from inhaling the stench that came from his mouth. He gave her a violent shake, “Look at me, woman!” She hesitantly turned her head back to face him and trembled. He has never acted like this. She cried to herself. She was on the verge of tears.

He pulled back a hand and smacked her across the face, leaving his mark. “Are you going to admit your fault, Emma? ARE YOU!?” Receiving an answer of sobs, he sneered and shoved her to the ground. “I always knew you would be unfaithful. Here I was, planning on marrying you and I find out you have been sneaking around behind my back..,” he started to pace in front of her. “Shut up, woman!! Quit your damn crying!! It's unbecoming.” He kicked her in the chest, causing her to land on her back, more tears coming to the surface. #FF0000 ">Maybe you could explain further why he thought she was being unfaithful.

“It's good that I married someone else, Emma. I was going to make the worst mistake of my life if I married you! You are going to suffer for the pain you caused me,” He said quietly and picked up the wine bottle. He opened it and took a swig before smashing it against her head. He laughed and watched as the blood soaked the carpet. After thinking her dead, he turned and walked toward the door.

Emma watched him go, her vision blurry and her head aching. I didn't do anything!!! she wanted to shout but couldn't manage a word. The door slammed shut and Emma reached for the phone that had been knocked off the table when he had stumbled in. She felt the keys for the redial button and pushed it. Someone answered the phone on the other end, an excited voice. All Emma could say before she passed out, was one whispered word, “help.”



I really liked this story but it seemed a little rushed to me. It broke the flow when he came in and just accused her of something that never happened.
Overall
GREAT JOB! :D
Linger on, your pale blue eyes




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Hey Shortasaurus!

I'm going to take a look at this for you.

1. Nit-piks -

She just knew. She felt it deep down.


These two sentences kind of say the same thing so I'd suggest getting rid of the first one.

She knew he was going to do it soon. She just knew. She felt it deep down. She never thought the day would come so soon.


Starting all of these sentences with 'she' is a little repetitive. I'd suggest re-wording it to something like -

'She knew he was going to do it soon. She felt it deep down, but never thought the day would come so soon.'

box, stuffed it back


You're missing a word after 'box' It should read something like - 'box, Emma stuffed it back'

Everything was to be perfect.

That night absolutely everything was perfect.


The use of 'perfect' twice is repetitive. Maybe switch one for another word or re-word the second sentence to something like -

'That night absolutely everything was going the way Emma wanted it to.'

Soon, he be home.


You need 'will' after 'he'

ever. She thought


I'm not completely sure on how to do this, but I think it should be worded like this -

'ever, she thought'

honey.” She said


'honey,she said'

his every a bloody red.


Do you mean 'every' to be 'eyes'

He gave her a violent shake, “Look at me


The comma after 'shake' should be a full stop -

'He gave her a violent shake. “Look at me'

He has never acted like this. She


The full stop should be a comma and 'She' should be 'she'

ARE YOU!?”


You don't need this in all caps - it's distracting for the reader. The use of an exclamation mark has the same effect without making the writing look untidy.

back..,” he started


'back...” He started'

“Shut up, woman!! Quit your damn crying!! It's unbecoming.”


The use of two exclamation marks is unnecessary. You only need to use one with each bit of speech. Also, 'It's unbecoming' doesn't sound right. It's too formal for the situation unless he's being sarcastic so I'd get rid of it.

me,” He said


'He' should be 'he'

2. Overall impressions -

Okay, the piece was too short for a lot of character background to be given to the reader, but I still would have liked to have known a little more about their relationship. Like at the start for example, when Emma finds the ring. You could have her think back to when they first met. You don't have to include a massive info-dump paragraph, but maybe add in a little about how she felt when she first met him. E.g -

'I can't believe the man I watched from afar for so long is going to be my husband.'

It's a bit of a rubbish example, but it's a way of using her thoughts to let the reader in on a little bit of background information.

I noticed you have a bit of trouble formatting speech too. I've corrected most of them as it's just a case of putting a capital where there should be small case or a full stop where there should be a comma. I'm not the best at explaining things but I know there are some brilliant writing tips in the resourses area of this website and I'd suggest checking some of them out to help with formatting your dialogue :)

Finally, I found the whole thing a little rushed. I would have liked to have read more of Emma's feelings, specifically when her boyfriend comes back and accuses/beats her. I want to know how hurt she is at his words. How upset she feels. Is her whole world crashing down in front of her? Is she worried when she realises he's drunk or angry that he's ruining her perfectly planned evening? Adding in more descriptions and emotions will also help to lengthen the piece.

I liked this piece and I hope my review helps you to make it even better!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hello there. :)

I'll start with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression of your story.
When she did #FF0000 ">comma her heart started to race and she got giddy with excitement.

To make it look like she didn't discover the box, #FF0000 ">she stuffed it back into the jacket pocket and set the jacket down on the couch.

That night #FF0000 ">comma absolutely everything was perfect. Emma prepared his favorite meal and changed into the gorgeous blue dress he had bought #FF0000 ">her for her birthday.

The first her is not needed.
Soon, #FF0000 ">he'll be home. We will have a nice dinner and he will ask me to marry him. We will live together for ever and ever #FF0000 ">comma she thought as she brought a bottle of wine to the table.

Thoughts should be in italics.
He went to the bar and now he is drunk #FF0000 ">comma she thought.

The exclamation points are not needed, you already told us she was mad.
He looked up at her, his #FF0000 ">eyes a bloody red.

His eyes, perhaps?

I'm a little confused. If she didn't do anything, why wouldn't she try to explain, or at least protect herself? Anyone on their right mind would let someone beat them up for something they didn't do. Or she was unfaithful and it was a long time ago? Because I find it hard to believe she was unfaithful and be happy her boyfriend is going to ask her to marry him, since she was cheating on him for a reason, I believe. See how this is confusing? You might want to clear that out for us and add a little bit more details on the situation. Apart from that it was awesome. :) Great story!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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