Haunted

I honestly don't like this this one, I wasn't even depressed when I wrote it.

--

I sit by her bed,
I hold her hand,
I cry,
I pray.
Don't worry, I tell her.
It's only cancer.
I was lying,
I knew I was only pretending to convince her
and myself.
It's a good thing I repented in my pleas to the Almighty,
And told her I was sorry.
I hope she, too, knew I wasn't
Completely truthful,
Because fifteen minutes later, it was
Too late.
I leaned my head forward, against hers;
It was relaxed,
Finally peaceful.
She was free now.
But what about me?
I had seen her die.
The image of her agonized face,
Giving in,
And falling asleep,
Is scarred into my brain forever.
It would haunt me for the rest of my life.
I couldn't live with that.
From then, day and night were the same.
I thought the gun was a hallucination,
But when it hurt and the blood flowed,
I still smiled before
I, too,
Slept.

I'm glad you're not depressed!

As far as the poem goes, I think it holds a lot of potential! I mean, your character essentially watching someone die from cancer. To make this more "depressing" (since I think that's your goal) you may want to focus less on the person watching the other person die and more on the dying person. For example, at the end where the main guy kills himself with a gun? That's probably too much, plus it actually makes the poem less depressing since it's drawing attention away from the tragic, unstoppable death to the needless suicide, thus making this poem a lot less emotional. By focusing more on the dying woman, I think it'll be a lot more touching and sad.

Best of luck!

Snoink wrote:I'm glad you're not depressed!

As far as the poem goes, I think it holds a lot of potential! I mean, your character essentially watching someone die from cancer. To make this more "depressing" (since I think that's your goal) you may want to focus less on the person watching the other person die and more on the dying person. For example, at the end where the main guy kills himself with a gun? That's probably too much, plus it actually makes the poem less depressing since it's drawing attention away from the tragic, unstoppable death to the needless suicide, thus making this poem a lot less emotional. By focusing more on the dying woman, I think it'll be a lot more touching and sad.

Best of luck!

Exactly!
You don't want to read this.

Spoiler

I can almost hear Eminem rapping this song. I don't know why, I must've been high. Or drunk. Actually, none. I'm always imagining stuff. =)

The idea and the way it felt made me feel like I was there.It's very nice but the rhyming needs some fixing.I'm glad you're not depressed.

I think this piece holds some potential, given a good polish. The first thing I noticed right off the bat was the way you started with "I" quite frequently. It'd be more effective if you'd use more of a variety in the way you start your sentences, in my opinion. Another step to fixing this up is breaking it into stanzas. I wouldn't worry about smoothing the edges - the overall emotion of the piece itself is breaking down, so having a rough structure in the piece is understandable - but breaking it into stanzas will probably help with the flow a bit. Having one big poem running down the page can really turn a reader off. But again, that's just my opinion. The only other thing is word choice, but other than that, I really like the piece. I think a lot of people would be able to relate... dealing with a death can be really hard on a person. You convey that devastation pretty well. Good write.

Wow. That is, without a doubt, the most depressing poem I have read yet. I think the suicide at the end was interesting, because it seemed to split the poem into two parts. Most of the ones I have read only focus on one thing. Great job!