Thoughts

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Ok, well its the same story i posted last time in my old account but i copied it so i can keep it on my new account.

How could anything matter to him now? Yeah people always complain on Facebook or on Twitter, but did they even know how it felt when your world comes crashing down? Or when you're all alone in a world that holds billions? When you're all curled up in your on misery?

The answer is no they don't.

His fist slammed against the table, the impact so hard that it made the base shake. He tried to clear his head by taking few deep breaths. He tried various ways, even the way his mom had taught him,count to ten. Now calm, he realised he was all alone, in a house that held his childhood memories, and once held laughter. That once was filled with his Father's deep, rich voice and the sweet flow of his Mom's. How could things change so drastically? He looked around with pain in his eyes and saw everything as they left it before the trip. He shut his eyes tight and held the bridge of his nose, floods of thoughts flowing into him. That trip. What happened there was no accident, someone was to be blamed. But the question was who? He still remembers the details clearly.

The streets were dark and empty. The street light casting a eerie light upon the pavement, the smell of litter and sewage filled the air, forcing Nathan to block his nose. His Mom and Dad were ecstactic about the upcoming views they were only to see, if only they knew. Their conversation was leaning towards every tourist thing they could do, so naturally he zoned out. The next series of events some say is the the wrath of God. In an alley that connected with the pavement a man was walking towards them. A very drunk man.His deep sneer noticable, his features, hidden. He was shouting out something to them, his words were slurred. Slowly out of his belt he pulled out a gun, and without hestitating shot at his Dad. A moments silence filled the air, during them Dad was on the floor, desperate for a miracle to happen. Mom, hysterical, ran towards Dad and knelt beside him. That man shot his Mom in the back four times. The sounds filled the air making him cringe. Beneath him are the bodies of his parents. His mind was racing to register as to whether this was a dream-it wasn't. His blood pumping speed decreased. His heartbeat faltered for a few seconds. His hand twitched. He looked up and saw the alley, but no man. That man had ran away after killing his innocent parents.

When the ambulance came it was too late, all he could do was watch and wait. Police interviewed him number of times. Always the same questions. What business was your Mom and Dad doing? Did you have any features of this man? Demanding question after question. Statement after statement. But the police asked me to do one favour which grabbed his heart and twisted it out. " Please describe what had happened". He even heard that the police made a theory of how maybe his parents wasn't so innocent.

Who did these people think they were? Doubting the innoncence of his parents. The parents that had raised him from birth.

He looked up and saw the ray of sunlight creeping in through the hastily drawn curtains. That light reminded him of hope. Like a dandelion on a field or a dove in the sky. He would definitely not get over the death of his beloved parents but maybe time does heal all. Maybe after some time a piece of that trauma would peel off.

Of course he didn't doubt that he would have those moments where he would kick anyone who would say to him its time to move on, or feel like crying all alone.

He heard his parents laughter and reassuring voice call out to him "Don't waste your time grieving, you have a bright future ahead of you."

Nate silently laughed to himself, he promised himself he would get over his parents death sometime but not before he gets revenge.

He set into motion and packed his bag, heading to that one country he swore he wouldn't, ever, set foot in. Just for one man who deserves the weight of justice.
Last edited by summerlovee on Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:31 am, edited 5 times in total.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes




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Hello, Summer.

Or when your all alone in a world that holds billions? When your all curled up in your on misery?


Twice a painful mistake. You're = you are. Your = possession.

It is only the beginning in a piece filled with grammar and punctuation errors. You need a thorough read through to find all the mistakes, and correct them.

that being said, your piece has potential. It has a premise--kid's parents are killed, almost senselessly--and a message--the quote at the end--but lacks the substance to link the two. Between the beginning of the story--where our main character is by all appearances your typical over emotional teenager--and the end, when we realize he actually has a beef with the world--he has suddenly had a change of heart. For all intents and purposes, very little time had past since his first narration and the last paragraphs. As such, he probably would not have changed his mind that quickly about his mood.

You have a beginning, an end, and a bit of backstory. Now add some flesh to the present tense. His parents' deaths are in the past. You need to give your character some meat, so that we can relate to him. If that makes sense, awesome. If not, let me know so I can be of further assistance.

Good luck with your edits and with this story. I have confidence you're up to the task.

--D
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I enjoyed reading this, but let me help you with your grammer and puncuation a bit.


How could anything matter to him now? Yeah#FF0000 ">, people always complain on Facebook or on Twitter, but did they even know how it felt when your world comes crashing down? Or when you're all alone in a world that holds billions? When you're all curled up in your on misery?

The answer is no they don't.

His fist slammed against the table, the impact so hard that it made the base shake #FF0000 ">a little too much.It would sound better without that. He tried to clear his head by taking few deep breaths. He tried various ways, even the way his mom had taught him,count to ten. Now calm#FF0000 ">, he realised he was all alone, in a house that held his childhood memories#FF0000 ">, and once held laughter. That once was filled with his Father's deep#FF0000 ">, rich voice and the sweet flow of his Mom's. How could things change so drastically? He looked around with pain in his eyes and saw everything as they left it before the trip. He shut his eyes tight and held the bridge of his nose, floods of thoughts flowing into him. That trip. What happened there was no accident, someone was to be blamed. But the question was who? He still remembers the details clearly.

The streets were dark and empty. The street light casting a eerie light upon the pavement. The smell of litter and sewage filled the air, forcing Nathan to block his nose. His Mom and Dad were ecstactic about the upcoming views they were only to see, if only they knew. Their conversation was leaning towards every tourist thing they could do, so naturally he zoned out. The next series of events some say is the the wrath of God. In an alley that connected with the pavement#FF0000 ">, a man was walking towards them. A very drunk man.His deep sneer noticable#FF0000 ">, his features #FF0000 ">, hidden. He was shouting out something to them, his words were slurred. Slowly out of his belt he pulled out a gun#FF0000 ">, and without hestitating shot at his Dad. A moments silence filled the air, during them Dad was on the floor#FF0000 ">, desperate for a miracle to happen. Mom, hysterical, ran towards Dad and knelt beside him. That man shot his Mom in the back four times. The sounds filled the air making him cringe. Beneath him are the bodies of his parents. His mind was racing to register as to whether this was a dream#FF0000 ">it wasn't. His blood pumping speed decreased. His heartbeat faltered for a few seconds. His hand #FF0000 ">twitching.It should be "twitched", because what was decribed in the previous two sentances were past tense, and becasue "His hand twitching" isn't a proper sentance. He looked up and saw the alley, but no man. That man had ran away after killing his innocent parents.

When the ambulance came it was too late, all he could do was watch and wait. Police interviewed him number of times. Always the same questions. What business was your Mom and Dad doing? Did you have any features of this man? #FF0000 ">Demanding question after question. Statement after statement.Merge those two sentances, don't forget to add a comma between them. "Statement after stament" is an incomplete sentance. But the police asked me to do one favour which grabbed his heart and twisted it out. " Please describe what had happened". He even heard that the police made a theory of how maybe his parents wasn't so innocent.

Who did these people think they were? #FF0000 ">Doubting the innoncence of his parents. The parents that had raised him from birth. Merge these two sentances. "Doubting the innoncence of his parents" is an incomplete sentance.

He looked up and saw the ray of sunlight creeping in through the hastily drawn curtains. That light reminded him of hope. Like a dandelion on a field#FF0000 ">, or a dove in the sky. He would definitely not get over the death of his beloved parents#FF0000 ">, but maybe time does heal all. Maybe after some time#FF0000 ">, a piece of that trauma would peel off.

Of course he #FF0000 ">he Delete repeated word.didn't doubt that he would have those moments where he would kick anyone who would say to him #FF0000 ">its it's time to move on, or feel like crying all alone.

He heard his parents laughter and reassuring voice call out to him "Don't waste your time grieving, you have a bright future ahead of you."

Nate silently laughed to himself, he promised himself he would get over his parents death sometime but not before he gets revenge.

He set into motion and packed his bag, heading to that one country he swore he wouldn't#FF0000 ">, ever#FF0000 ">,The commas aren't neccesary there. set foot in. Just for one man who deserves the weight of justice.


As you can see, a lot of commas were missing. Don't worry, a lot of people do that.
I might of missed some errors, so take a close look and check for any others.

I agree with Buscador about the character's change of attitude towards his parents death. It happened way too quickly.

Other than that it was a great story.
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