Jerahbeth: preface

Jerahbeth was once known as one of the most fruitful and magnificent kingdoms in all of the world. During this time, called the Golden Age of Jerahbeth, the rein of King Jezu was at hand. All the people adored him, not for beauty or his riches, but for his generosity and his kindness. The land had become a Utopia under his guidance.

But there were some, men and woman of government positions and power, who saw how all of the citizens of Jerahbeth bowed to him and not one of them, and their eyes burned with the green fire of Envy. Even though the King was kind and loved all of them deeply, they all came together and plotted to kill him out of greed.

The King saw through each of them, and knowing their plans, hid away in his quarters. He told them he had come down with the flu, but really he was writing his Royal Will. He wrote:

" When my days come to an end, one of my Daughters, who are loyal to my Law, shall reign over the land until their days come to an end as well. As they reach their old age, they must train another of my Daughters, who shall become Queen when their Mentor passes.
One day, one of my Daughters, the most loyal of them all, will restore balance in my Kingdom and shall spread her knowledge and wisdom to other worlds as well."

The King brought his testament to his most loyal friend, one who was not plotting against Him. He was a wise, old man and knew that rebelling would be foolish.

That night, during supper, one of the Envious men, the Head of Police, came into the room, and arrested the King. When bought to court, they accused him of many crimes he did not commit, but the King would not answer to any of them.

The next day, the King was hung on a tree in the center of the Royal Village, without a reason or crime.
When the King's loyal friend saw his body on the tree, he marched to the Council of Laws and brought the Royal Will before them.

The Envious men would not let them pursue the act. They said, "If the King wanted His Will to be put to action so bad,
he should have done it before He died, or be here right now."

When they said this, the door behind them opened, and there was the King himself, not as a Ghost but as He was before his death. He didn't say a word, just the anger shown on his face struck fear in the mens' hearts. The Testament was passed that hour, and then the King vanished, never be seen again.

Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Okay, so first off I thought I'd just mention that this has a very Biblical feel; I'm not sure if that's what you were aiming for, but from the names (Jerahbeth, Jezu, etc.) to the plot thus far (an innocent, good King being put to death by jealous rulers and then resurrected), it just really feels like some kind of Biblical tale, which I like a lot.

Now, your story is just starting, and this is the prologue, so I can excuse some of the background given that has a hurried feel; however, you seem to do a lot of telling instead of showing (what's that and how does one fix it? Click here to see). You could use more details here, instead of just plain, factual retelling -- this isn't a history book, it's a story. Again, since this is your prologue, a lot can be excused, since back-story-telling is rather expected...just make sure you don't go overboard with it.

Onto the nitpicks!

But their were some, men and woman of government positions and power, who saw how all of the citizens of Jerahbeth bowed to him and not one of them, and there their eyes burned with the green fire  of Envy. Even though the King was kind and loved all of them deeply, they all came together and plotted to kill him out of Greed. 

I've added a few words in blue there, which I feel would just make it a bit easier to read. Also, as highlighted in red, I don't think "greed" needs to be capitalized; "Envy" works since you've attributed almost an entity-ish feeling to it, but "greed" is used in its usual context, so needs no special distinction.

" when my days come to an end, one of my Daughters, who are loyal to my Law, shall reign over the land until their days come to an end as well. As they reach their old age, they must train another of my Daughters, who shall become Queen when their Mentor passes. 

Okay, this is a bit confusing. He's talking about his daughters, yes? Well, if made one of them ruler, there's the possibility that her sisters would grow jealous and kill her for the throne or something like it. Also, they're all probably close to the same age, yes? So by the time one of them was too old to reign anymore, the others would be approaching that age, too, rendering useless the need to train them so they can rule for only a few more years. If you mean that the daughters should train one of her daughters, let's specify that.

The King brought his testament to his most loyal friend, one who was not plotting against Him.

Again, this is just so simply stated and told to us. We have to take it for granted that he's loyal; what proof does the king have? What sort of background do they share? It just feels too spoon-fed right now, that you're telling us who are the bad guys and who are the good ones, instead of letting us infer it ourselves based on dialogue and actions.

The Act was passed that hour, and then the King vanished, never be seen again.  

Not quite sure what you meant by that part. What act? Why is it so important that it has to be capitalized?

Okay, so that's all I have to say. Please feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work; cheers! (:

It's an interesting storyline, and sets the plot pretty well. There are a couple of knit-picks I have, but you didn't bad at all.

Jerahbeth was once known as one of the most fruitful and lovely kingdoms in all of the world. During this time, called the Golden Age of Jerahbeth, the rein of King Jezu was at hand. All the people adored him, not for beauty or his riches, but for his generosity and his kindness. The land had become a Utopia under his guidance.

But their were some, men and woman of government positions and power, saw how all of the citizens of Jerahbeth bowed to him and not one of them, and there eyes burned the green fire of Envy. Even though the King was kind and loved all of them deeply, they all came together and plotted to kill him out of Greed.

1st one is upposed to be there. 2nd one is supposed to be their.

The King saw through each of them, and knowing their plans, hid away in his quarters. He told them he had come down with the flu, but really he was writing his Royal Will. He wrote:

" when my days come to an end, one of my Daughters, who are loyal to my Law, shall reign over the land until their days come to an end as well. As they reach their old age, they must train another of my Daughters, who shall become Queen when their Mentor passes.
One day, one of my Daughters, they most loyal of them all, will restore balance in my Kingdom and shall spread her knowledge and wisdom to other worlds as well."

Capitalise the W in when.

The King brought his testament to his most loyal friend, one who was not plotting against Him.

That night, during supper, one of the Envious men, the Head of Police, came into the room, and arrested the King. When bought to court, they accused him of many crimes he did not commit, but the King would not answer to any of them.

The next day, the King was hung on a tree in the center of the Royal Village, with out a reason or crime.

Without is one word.

When the King's loyal friend saw his body on the tree, he marched to the Council of Laws and brought the Royal Will before them.

The Envious men would not let them pursue the act. They said, "if the King wanted His Will to be put to action so bad,
he should have done it before He died, or be here right now."

When the said this, the door behind them opened, and there was the King himself, not as a Ghost but as He was before his death. He didn't say a word, just the anger shown on his face struck fear in the mens' hearts. The Act was passed that
hour, and then the King vanished, never be seen again.

Good job.

Thanks guys for reviewing!! I shall fix my errors soon. I'm on my iPod at the moment so it's hard. And yes, I included in the book description why it's very Biblical feeling. And by Duaghters I ment female decendants and such. If you continue to read you'll see. Thank you for likeing it too!

I quite like it. It does indeed have a very biblical feel but try to make the characters complex. Stories all ways get boring and annoying if everything is to black and white (as in the good characters are very good and the bad are very evil, no characters in between). Great work.

Ok pen.

I'll try heave my weary brain to review this for you but don't say I didn't warn you. Fantasy is not my thing. At all.

I'll start with grammar.

ThePenIsMyWeapon wrote:Jerahbeth was once known as one of the most fruitful and lovelyLovely is not the right word here. It's not as powerful or meaningfull as it should be. It like a re-phrase here. kingdoms in all of the world. During this time, called the Golden Age of Jerahbeth, the rein of King Jezu was at hand. All the people adored him, not for beauty or his riches, but for his generosity and his kindness. The land had become a Utopia under his guidance.

But their were some, men and woman of government positions and power, saw how all of the citizens of Jerahbeth bowed to him and not one of them, and there eyes burned the green fire of Envy. Even though the King was kind and loved all of them deeply, they all came together and plotted to kill him out of Greed.

The King saw through each of them, and knowing their plans, hid away in his quarters. He told them he had come down with the flu, but really he was writing his Royal Will. He wrote:

" wCapital.hen my days come to an end, one of my Daughters, who are loyal to my Law, shall reign over the land until their days come to an end as well. As they reach their old age, they must train another of my Daughters, who shall become Queen when their Mentor passes.
One day, one of my Daughters, theyThis should be the most loyal of them all, will restore balance in my Kingdom and shall spread her knowledge and wisdom to other worlds as well."

The King brought his testament to his most loyal friend, one who was not plotting against Him. This should have a lot more description. Why is he loyal? How does the king know he isn't plotting against him? This really is another chance for a whole other paragraph. So far I think you are lacking a lot of detail and basic adjectives and so on.

That night, during supper, one of the Envious men, the Head of Police, came into the room, and arrested the King. When bought to court, they accused him of many crimes he did not commit, but the King would not answer to any of them.

The next day, the King was hung on a tree in the center of the Royal Village, with out a reason or crime.
When the King's loyal friend saw his body on the tree, he marched to the Council of Laws and brought the Royal Will before them.

The Envious men would not let them pursue the act. They said, " ifCapital for IF the King wanted His Will to be put to action so bad,
he should have done it before He died, or be here right now."

When the said thisWhen the said this? Another minor typo, the door behind them opened, and there was the King himself, not as a Ghost but as He was before his death. He didn't say a word, just the anger shown on his face struck fear in the mens' hearts. The Act was passed that
hour, and then the King vanished, never be seen again.

Ok you had loads of tiny mistakes and tyops that just need a general look over and edit. Editing is a an important part of writing-If your story is filled with little errors it looks messy and like you literally just threw it together. If you want reviewers to really review your work and put effort into it then it needs to be obvious that you put the work in. Not that I'm saying you didn't it's just a simple spe;; check can fix these tiny cliches.

The plot didn't really work for me. I'm not trained in fantasy so I won't be great with this but I felt your writing was cold. We didn't know anything about the King, his people or those who plotted against him. In this chapter nothing has really happened, thee is nothing to make the reader eagerly wait for the next chapter. There needs to be some serious action or magic or whatever to get the readers to want to read the next part.

Overall as a newbie, you didn't write too bad. So I won't be too harsh. (If I haven't been already)
Just remember simple editing is easy and it makes your work much more impressive.
Keep writing
Kaka