Confessions of a pissed off teen on suicide watch *Edit!!*

So I edited my last attempt at this and here it is :

Date: January 1, 2016

10: 27AM

So here I am writing this, just like the stupid therapist told me to. Of course, give the suicidal girl a pretty pink notebook, tell her to write in it every day like it's some diary you write your crushes in and everything will be fine. I mean, it's not like I'm crazy or something. I'm just so bored of life. There really isn't any point to it. Religion is bullshit. History is bullshit. The future is bullshit. Everything just sucks. I'm not one of those religious psychos who kill themselves thinking that they're going straight to heaven or someone who's going to suicide bomb someplace for like 100 virgins or some crap like that. I'm just bored.

12:02AM
Sitting on my cot thing hasn't lessened my boredom. The nurse came in and tried to get me to eat breakfast but I threw my pillow at her and she finally left. My therapist is ridiculous. She told me to call her Kristy and kept talking about how I feel. This is a typical conversation with her:

Kristy: So tell me Charlotte, how do you feel?
Me: *blinks*
Kristy: Do you feel sad? Angry? Lonely?
Me: *blinks* I feel like sleeping.
Kristy: *grabs her drug dealer psychiatrist pad and pen* Would you like Ambien?
Me: *sighs* No
Kristy: Oh. All right then. Then you are excused from our meeting and you can go to sleep.
Me: Wonderful

She just irks me. Ugh. She seemed so willing to give me the drugs. That's pretty creepy. I guess I do feel sad and angry and lonely. Not like I'm telling her. I'm going to bed.

2: 54

The nurse in her perfect white lab coat came in and asked me to eat lunch. I told her a couple of words I'd rather not write here, in case my dearest mother ever reads this. Oh the nurse is back...with two guards. Ooh goody! Its time for therapy! See you soon! Kisses <3

10:09pm

Back from hell. The guards with their stun guns sort of forced me to go outside and socialize. What the hell? Everyone here are failures at life who can't even do well at dying. What the hell are we supposed to talk about? The best way to kill yourself? Whether or not to leave a big mess after you do the deed?
Mostly, we just sat under the shade of the trees and moaned about how we hated this place. There was this couple who told me they tried to do a double-suicide. They spent the whole "socialization" time making out which was pretty nasty. I didn't even try to talk to anyone. They're all either stoned on the drugs and sit around doing nothing, or completely bonkers and mutter weird shit. I was somewhere in between...gosh. How'd I get myself here?

Date: January 2, 2016

9:45AM

This “treatment center” is so boring. Gosh. I'm starting to regret my attempt at death. At least when I was home I could watch TV or something. Here it's like the only thing you can do is eat with only a spoon (so us mentals locked up in here won't cut ourselves), sleep or go to group therapy and sob about our lives. The people here are mad wacky. There's one girl who like whispers about flowers and mermaids and stuff. She actually looks like a mermaid sort of. She has super long blonde hair with like a weird green glint to it and she's impossibly pale. She walks like a spaz. Kind of crude but its true, her legs are always like squished together and she walks like her thighs attached to each other. She was supposed to be my “buddy” so I could get used to life at the Greendrift Treatment Center but I was a little scared of her and got used to it on my own. What kind of name is that anyway? Greendrift? Sounds like a hippie convention. Oh, look the nurse is here. Time for therapy. Fun, fun , fun.

11:12AM

Back. The therapist pisses me off. She acts like she knows us, like she understands us. She doesn't. No one does. I feel like screaming at stupid Kelly every time she nods her head in that annoying ass way and gives us pity smiles but that would get me in alone time. Alone time is basically, the nurses giving us OD drugs with sadistic smiles on their faces, having the macho men guards throw us in the padded room and tie us up for a couple of days. Who ever came up with that one should be locked up in a nut house, not me. I feel like sleeping again...not really, but what else am I supposed to do?

January 3, 2016

1:27

This isn't working. I'm still really bored. Therapy today was horrendous. The crazy mermaid girl had a breakdown and the guards carried her out. She was screaming about how the mermaids were going to save her. Another inmate-oops I mean “resident” told me she tried to drown herself at the beach. Figures. I suppose my parents are watching TV not missing me at all. I hate to admit it, but I do miss them. I miss my mom and her stupid laugh at things that aren't funny. I miss my dad and our weekly habits of watching the news. God damn, I even miss Lucy. Woah. That was deep. First time I actually confessed anything in this putrid pink book of crap, eh. Well it's time to get my zombie pill. When are these doctors are going to realize that the drugs aren't working?

5:34

I feel sort of high. Dreamy, kind of. I don't know. People always say when your drunk or high, you confess a lot of stuff. So it's confession time. I tried to kill myself by taking like 20 Advils. Too bad I'm a retard and didn't know that 50 Advils gets you to the morgue and 20 Advils gets you to the hospital. Actually, I'm a liar. I did know that. I just didn't have enough money to buy another two packs of Advil and hoped Vodka and 20 Advil would send me to Hell or wherever the hell I was going. I feel dizzy. La la good night....that's from a so



**That last part stopping where it did was on purpose She passes out. Yeah...

Hey there Jas! (May I call you that?) Got a review for ya!

As far as small edits, I found it real inconsistent that your character doesn't care about religion, says the word "bullshit" but leaves herself to a mild "gosh". I'd say up it, make it more fitting. She can say "god".

The only other things I want to comment on are big stuff.

CHARACTERIZATION

This stuff is going to be super important because it's in her POV and it's all about her. So you need to know your character front and back. You don't really have many opportunities in this story to give characterization, but I feel one place you need to give strength, right away, is why she tried to kill herself. She was bored - but give us something that shows us that was true (if it was) give us something that makes us feel that pain, that boredom she has. I wrote the beginnings of a novel which started with my character waking up in the hospital after having tried to kill herself. She tells the doctor, it wasn't that I want to die, I'm just tired of life. I wanted to try something new. It may not be important that you give us this much detail about her suicide now, but we need to know more about her, more about why she did this, and more about who she is and what she is like so that we can care for her, care about your story, and want to read more.

I highly suggest going through Snoink's Character Development usergroup, if you haven't already.

DIARY STYLE

Now, I'm actually not that good at this comment because I've never written in diary/journal style myself (there is some sort of official name for it, but again, clueless here!). I can give you some general tips that will help though.

As it is you're getting sucked into the same thing people who write first person get into. you're just writing about the narrator, about stuff she is telling when - like always - you need to show. Have her write about events. Have her write out how the mermaid girl flipped out. Have her write about "social time", have her write about when she tried to kill herself - don't just tell, show it. Like you would in a regular story. It may not seem like a "natural" journal to you, but really, would anyone want to read a journal that's just stuff telling? Probably not. So you need to show us stuff to get us interested.

I'd also up the conflict. IT might get boring if you don't make us (one, like I said before) care about the character, and then give her some conflict. I expect conflict will come soon, but it needs to come sooner. If we don't care about your story by the first page, by the first paragraph, sadly, we'll probably put it right back on the shelf and be on our marry way. Grab the reader by the throat and make them want more.


I hope this review helps! Sorry I'm clumsy with diary style.

Hi Jasmine, here to review. I saw that you posted it again and edited it so I just wanted to check out. I hd thought since it was edited, there would be less mistakes or no actually. but there were. No doubt, it was better now.

I'm not one of those religious psychos who kill themselves thinking that they're going straight to heaven or someone who's going to suicide bomb someplace for like 100 virgins or some crap like that. I'm just bored.

Though your this piece has improved a lot from the first time I read it, but you just need to write number names(spellings) for numbers, anything. A number looks good only in addresses, that too sometimes only. Hope you
get out of this habit!

2: 54 #FF0000 ">PMYou forgot this time! You should write the perfect or exact time every time!

Its time for therapy! See you soon! Kisses <3

She's a sure mental case!

Everyone here are failures at life#FF0000 ">, who can't even do well at dying.

LOL!

Here it's like the only thing you can do is eat with only a spoon (so us #FF0000 ">we mentals locked up in here won't cut ourselves), sleep or go to group therapy and sob about our lives.The people here are mad#FF0000 ">, wacky.

It should be we not us. So keep that in mind!

I feel like screaming at stupid Kelly every time she nods her head in that annoying ass way#FF0000 ">, and gives us pity smiles#FF0000 ">, but that would get me in alone time.

That was a bit long so put commas and make it better!

People always say when your drunk or high, you confess a lot of stuff. So it's confession time. I tried to kill myself by taking like #FF0000 ">20 Advils. Too bad I'm a retard and didn't know that #BF0000 ">50 Advils gets you to the morgue and #FF0000 ">20 Advils gets you to the hospital.

There were lots of digits used here. Sorry to say, but that pit me off! Its an easy way out but writers shouldn't do that. That's why we're special than others who just speak language...we create it!
It was definitely a better piece as you added her feelings a bit more. But try to describe where she lives a bit more. This is coming out better this time! Also, giving many time-slots to the diary entry seemed a bit more realistic and nice to me. That gives a better impression.
Good luck!

So I was all like "Huh, this sounds really familiar," as I was reading it and then as I kept reading I finally realized that I *did* review it the first time around. So here you go on the second part.

What the hell? Everyone here are failures at life who can't even do well at dying.

This I actually find a really powerful sentence, and find you kind of ruined it with what you had next.

They're all either stoned on the drugs and sit around doing nothing, or completely bonkers and mutter weird shit.

I don't think stoned is the right word here, that makes me think of pot, which proooobably wouldn't be prescribed in a treatment center. XD So yeah I'd say describe it a different way.

I suppose my parents are watching TV not missing me at all. I hate to admit it, but I do miss them. I miss my mom and her stupid laugh at things that aren't funny. I miss my dad and our weekly habits of watching the news.

For some reason in this story there's a large mention of TV. xD

I do like the redone version much better, but I'd like to see this continued. Like what happens when she finally gets out and stuff.

But yeah, off to more of your stuff!

~Hope