* Fire and Ice* a tale of a wolf

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Chapter 4-- its gonna seem like twilight but It has a twist

They were flawless as they fell into ranks, Matt led the way he was the alpha, the head honcho in a sense. I learned something from school about wolves and their ranks, Matt the alpha, led the way and he had the most freedom. In a case of civilized humans I’m still pondering the relationships between him and the lesser wolves. At his flanks were the twins, Jared and Trevor, they were the beta wolves, second in command. They both were long and slender, Jared on the left with blond fur like a golden retriever, a very vicious and ferocious golden retriever but the same shade. His coat was short and sleek unlike his brother, Trevor’s light grey and black coat was mesmerizing; it was shaggy and rough like his own hair.
Together they waited in perfect synchronization with each other, like they had twin telepathy. It’s like the entire pack had twin telepathy, they were all somehow connected. Every move, every sound they make as if they could hear each other.
Jack, the youngest wolf, in other words the most recent besides me, barked at me and gestured his massive head for me to join the formation. I awkwardly walked in between Andy and Jack. Andy to my left was a relatively small wolf, his russet brown fur was quite similar to mine but my redness was the highlight of my coat. His brown faded into black at the stomach and paws. He was a strangely beautiful wolf alongside Jack; he is a mixture of many colors, a blend of the entire pack.
I took a deep breath inhaling all the scents of the forest. A gathering of deer formed at a small lake to the north east, the scent was so strong so vivid I could visualize them in my head. I could hear them, every step, every grunt, and every heart beat I could hear perfectly. My senses tripled in quality, I took in all the senses of the forest in one deep inhale.
A voice broke the peace- hey were going buddy. I exhaled quickly in disbelief. The voice was not physical because it was in my head. Let’s go guy. This time I knew the voice, Matt’s proud voice was unmistakable, and then I realized the connection. Our minds were linked somehow, our thoughts shared among the pack, the twin telepathy is shared among the pack. It felt strange and somehow humorous as I spoke in my head. So we can here each other’s thoughts?
Jared was first to answer, only if the thoughts are projected to the person. Not all the thoughts are heard, fortunately. Now let’s go.
Seriously let’s go guys, the suns almost down. Matt ruffled his fur and let out a comical howl. The rest of the wolves howled, and took off into the woods. In seconds they disappeared into the woods, they were so fast, invisible in a matter of seconds. I could hear their heavy paws pounding away at the earth at an uncountable rate. By the smell of them they were at the lake, and the deer shuddered in fear.
Come on noob!!! Andy mentally screamed at me, not only his voice but his emotion pulsed through my body. I ran forward impossibly fast, at first I galloped like a horse, that didn’t work. Then a rabbit, that was faster, I was fast enough to see them, so I mimicked their running. Faster I ran as their scent grew stronger, the vulnerability of being a lone wolf was scary in its own way. The protection I felt with them made us stronger knowing we have each other’s backs. I sprinted to them, passing the trees so fast it should be a blur, but the every tree was in full detail as I passed it. I could smell blood as I passed the trees into the lake’s valley.
It was gruesome, each wolf held a mutilated deer in their bloodied paws.
Matt had two, one was still alive, and it squirmed uncontrollably trying to be released from his impossible strength. He crushed its ribs straight into the earth, and then tore out its throat with his jaws. I was a horrid sight, why are they killing these poor deer. Matt noticed my fear and shock and he explained. This is how we eat son; this is more fulfilling then any human food. It seems bad now but you will get used to it.
How could I get used to it, this is murder!! Poor innocent
- then I saw it, the blood streaming through the grass and the meat placed out on the floor, for my taking. My mouth began to drool a new sensation of hunger overtook my senses, and the wolf, not me divulged in the deer.
It was amazing, all my muscles relaxed and I was completely full and energized. The packs wolf faces all beamed at me in satisfaction, Jared and Trevor barked in approval. My first meal as a wolf, my first meal as a pack mate.
LIVE, LOVE, AND WRITE
to express your self is not weird its natural and, in my opinion, AWESOME!!!!




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Hi =D

This is pretty good! I love all the description;
They both were long and slender, Jared on the left with blond fur like a golden retriever, a very vicious and ferocious golden retriever but the same shade. His coat was short and sleek unlike his brother, Trevor’s light grey and black coat was mesmerizing; it was shaggy and rough like his own hair.


You have a few spelling mistakes though:
hey were going buddy
Hey, we're going buddy
So we can here each other’s thoughts
So we can hear each other's thoughts
the suns almost down
the sun's almost down

but that's easily fixed, eh?


There are some parts I would have written differently, but I don't know, maybe my punctuation-mind-ness is stuffed up >.<
Such as:
Andy to my left was a relatively small wolf
Andy, to my left, was a relatively small wolf
He was a strangely beautiful wolf alongside Jack; he is a mixture of many colors, a blend of the entire pack.
He was a strangely beautiful wolf alongside Jack; he was a mixture of many colours, a blend of the entire pack.

-points up- It might be just me, but does it sounds a bit weird having he was and he is together?


Anyway, this sounds like it'll be a nice tale! Keep on writing it and post it for us to review!
Oh and, this is a really retarded emoticon... :elephant:




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To me, this story is... a wolf. A lithe and majestic creature. Unfortunately, this wolf got into a fight and is now covered in mud and blood. What I'm saying is, there's a good story here. I like wolves and it seems cool that the narrator is the newest member and has to be shown the ropes. Problem is, it's just... buried. Under quite a bit of mud. Aside from the spelling mistakes that the previous reviewer mentioned, I spotted loads of other issues with the prose and sentences that, to be frank, sound ridiculous.

Together they waited in perfect synchronization with each other, like they had twin telepathy. It’s like the entire pack had twin telepathy, they were all somehow connected. Every move, every sound they make as if they could hear each other.

-The word would be "synchrony", not "synchronization". Also, you later mention that they have pack telepathy. A better sentence would be "Together they waited in perfect synchrony with each other, as if they could read each others' thoughts, which in fact they could."

Jack, the youngest wolf, in other words the most recent besides me, barked at me and gestured his massive head for me to join the formation.

- That doesn't make sense. Who's the newest member of the pack? Also, it should be "gestured with his massive head".

I took a deep breath inhaling all the scents of the forest. A gathering of deer formed at a small lake to the north east, the scent was so strong so vivid I could visualize them in my head. I could hear them, every step, every grunt, and every heart beat I could hear perfectly. My senses tripled in quality, I took in all the senses of the forest in one deep inhale.

This paragraph here is just... riddled with errors. You've omitted quite a few commas (like between breath and inhaling), "northeast" is one word, a group of deer is called a herd, and the last sentence needs a complete overhaul.
"My senses tripled in quality, I took in all the senses of the forest in one deep inhale."
Senses do not increase in "quality". They increase in "strength". Also, you can't take in tastes, sights, sounds, and feelings just by inhaling.

By the smell of them they were at the lake, and the deer shuddered in fear.

-If they were really going that fast, their internal organs would have liquefied upon stopping. Also, the deer would not have "shuddered in fear". They would have already ran. Deer are very skittish.

Come on noob!!!

-Werewolves will not be using internet insults on each other. If you want to go for something wolf-like, try "runt", "pup", or "omega".

It was gruesome, each wolf held a mutilated deer in their bloodied paws.

Two major errors here.
1. Wolves cannot "hold" deer in their paws.
2. A pack of wolves will generally single out one deer, and then go after that deer and that deer alone, using their superior stamina and teamwork to run it down. Then they will eat it then and there.

So what you need to do is fix the grammar of your work, but also do research on wolves and learn about them. They're amazing creatures, and you might learn something interesting that could be used in the story. You're on to something good here.

Also, why are there no female werewolves in the pack? That's an opportunity to be more original.

Good luck with the revision,
Merlin34.
http://maxhelmberger.com/
Advice on writing, funny articles, and more.




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You are really good and i like your writing man.



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