The Enemy Chapter 4

*Author's Note* This has been edited 1/22/11, thanks to epic reviews! Thanks!





“Coren, just go to bed!” mother raises her voice. She isn’t happy. Father glares at me. Father always glares at me. Why is that?
I see the marks from my teeth on Father’s arm. The Enemy says he deserves it. I don’t know though. The Enemy doesn’t always give me good-intentioned instructions. That’s why I call it the Enemy, but I always listen to the Enemy. The Enemy understands me. Father only glares at me, and mother only yells.
I don’t move. I don’t want to go to bed, and I don’t want father to tuck me in. I know he doesn’t like me. I don’t like him.
“No. I’m not going. Not with him,” I say. The Enemy makes my voice sound scary. I don’t like it.
Mother’s eyes get wide. Father is surprised. My voice startles them. I don’t understand their surprise; this is not the first time my voice has gone scary. Mother steps back. Father stands in front of her with his hands held out, like he’s warding off an evil curse. I realize that I am the evil curse. Father doesn’t like me. Mother likes me sometimes though, but now she looks afraid. I don’t like it when she’s afraid.
Coren... Coren... Coren... Go to sleep now Coren... Sleep... Dream...
The sing-song voice of the Enemy lulls my mind to sleep. Something is wrong, but I cannot stay awake. I give in to the Enemy’s demands. I begin to dream.
The dream starts out with a knife. I’m holding the knife. It’s a steak knife I’ve taken off the kitchen table. Mother and Father are in front of me, trying to shield each other.
“Coren, sweetie, put the knife down. Coren, just put it down, honey, okay?” mother says cautiously. I want to listen to her, but my hands are glued around the knife. I don’t like this dream. I want it to end.
“Coren. Put. Down. The. Knife. Now!” father commands. Even though father is yelling at me, I still want to listen, but the world of dreams won’t let me.
I step towards my parents, holding the knife in front of me, pointing it at them. Mother steps back, but father holds his ground. “Coren, I know you're frustrated with a lot of things. And, I know you have questions, but this will not help you get the answers. Just put down the knife, and we'll talk about it, okay?” father’s voice is kind. This alarms me. Father is never kind, not even in my dreams. I want more than ever to throw the knife on the tiled floor, but it won’t leave my hands. I try to tell my parents that I can’t drop the knife, but the words won’t come out. This dream is very strange. Why won’t it end?
I am silent as I make my advance. Soon my parents’ backs are against the kitchen wall. They have no escape. Suddenly, I lunge. My parents do not expect this. Mother screams as I pierce father’s heart. I am thankful that this is only a dream.
Blood. Blood is everywhere. Out of all the wounds I’ve caused, no one has ever died before. Father is going to die. I can feel it. I’m standing in a pool of his blood.
Mother doesn’t move. She’s horrified. I’m horrified. I realize that this is no longer just a dream when I look at my dead father’s hollow face. This is a nightmare.
Just as unexpectedly as the first lunge, I spring forward and stab mother’s heart as well. She sinks to floor next to father, gasping for air. Their blood mixes and mingles. Soon, they are both dead. I have killed them. Only in a dream, of course, but I have killed them all the same.
I don’t think normal children have dreams about killing their parents, but no one has ever described me as normal before, so maybe that’s why. Still, this has been a horrific dream.
Finally, I wake up. I’m face first on the kitchen floor, some type of thick liquid soaking my face.
The truth hits me like a train. I start running.

Hey,
Here I am again! I love the fact that this chapter is from the boy's point of view. There were a quite bit more grammar mistakes in this chapter so I am going to go through them with you:

That’s why I call it the Enemy, but I always listen to the Enemy.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or, so ,for, yet, nor) because a conjunction starts a phrase in the middle of a sentence, so when you start a sentence with one in the beginning it's like queing the reader that this is not a complete sentence. In this case you can just conbined the sentences together by placing a comma after Enemy and lower casing the b in but.

Father only glares at me and mother only yells.

I'm not quite sure this is a complete sentence, so you might want to re-word it, but if you don't there still needs to be a comma after me.

I don’t want to go to bed and I don’t want father to tuck me in.

there needs to be a comma after bed because you are combining two complete sentences with a conjunction. (, + conjunction)

I like mother, even though she yells.

This is being repetitive, and we still don't know why she's yelling. Does Coren?

I don’t understand their surprise, this is not the first time my voice has gone scary.

The comma after surprise should be a semicolon (;) because you are combining two complete sentences without a conjunction.

I don’t like when she’s afraid.

I think this sentence would make more sense if you added the it after like, but it's up to your. It is your novel

Coren... Coren... Coren... Go to sleep now Coren... Sleep... Dream...

I love this change. I can hear the soothing words in my head. Awesome job!

Something is wrong, but I cannot stay awake.

Once again try not to start sentences out with a conjunction. In this case you can do the same as before and put a comma after wrong and lower case but.

A knife.

I know you are trying to maybe surprise the reader or give this part of the chapter an extra umph, but this is not a complete sentence; it seems really kind of awkward in it's position because right after it you repeat yourself by saying Coren's dream starts off with a knife.

“Coren, sweetie, put the knife down. Coren, just put it down, honey, okay?” mother says cautiously. I want to listen to her, but my hands are glued around the knife.

This is totally something a mother would say. Add a comma after her because you are using a conjunction.

“Coren. Put. Down. The. Knife. Now!” father commands. Even though father is yelling at me, I still want to listen, but the world of dreams won’t let me.

Put a comma after listen because you are using a conjunction.

Mother steps back, but father holds his ground.

Add a comma after back because you are using a conjunction. (I know I keep repeating myself, but it will help in the long run )

“Coren, I know your frustrated with a lot of things and I know you have questions, but this will not help you get answers. Just put the knife down and we’ll talk about it, okay?” father’s voice is kind.

This is one long run-on sentence so lets try fixing it this way: Coren, I know you're frustrated with alot of things. And, I know you have questions, but this will not helpyou get the answers. Just put down the knife, and we'll talk about it, okay?

I want more than ever to throw the knife on the tiled floor but it won’t leave my hands.

Add a comma after floor.

I try to tell my parents that I can’t drop the knife but the words won’t come out.

Add a comma after knife

My parents did not expect this.

You use present tense as your prodominent tense, so did should be do.

I don’t think normal children have dreams about killing their parents. But no one has ever described me as normal before, so maybe that’s why.

Put a comma after parents and lower case the b in but.

Over all:
I love your dialogue, very realistic I think! Also, the way you ended was good. It makes me want to read more. Keep up the good work, and getting better,
Tiffany

Hey, Tiffany!

Ahhhhh, thank you so much! Your review was extremely helpful! I don't even know how I overlooked a lot of those conjunction issues! I do start a lot of sentences with conjunctions in general, but I'm usually pretty good with putting in the commas before a conjunction in a sentence. Weird. I really should start doing my edits and such of this story during the day when I'm not practically falling asleep There will definitely be some changes!

Thanks!
~time8keeper

No problem, I totally love this story, and I am some what of a nit picker ahaha.

Your nit picking is much appreciated! And I'm so glad you like it!

~time8keeper

Hey! Back again.

So, this is probably my favorite of your chapters. They seem to get better every time. I don't really have any content things, and I'm not really a nitpicker plus Rascalover did that pretty well. There was one thing, though, that I noticed. You need to capitalize "Mother" and "Father." I can understand how you wouldn't think to. When you say something like "That is my mother," it is lowercase because "mother" is used to modify the noun. But when using it like a name, as you have been, it's capitalized. That make sense?

But I believe that, while pointing out mistakes is beneficial to show someone what not to do, pointing out the good things is helpful too, so they can see what they do right.

Like I said in my last review, you really keep their voices distinct, even changing your writing style. The way you've used this is great. It's also hard to change the way you use words because usually your mind has it set to write a certain way on a certain piece. And I don't know if this comes naturally to you, where it does not me, or if you struggle with it as well, but either way keep it up.

I really like the ending. It's abrupt, and almost makes us continue on to the next chapter. It's a good cliffhanger, with lots of suspense. So good job there.

There are more things I could point out, like how realistic it seemed the way Coren interpreted the situation, and how the actions were written well, but nothing huge or specific, just things that make you a good writer. So, keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey ultraviolet!

Thanks for the review! I really appreciate you taking the time to write these!

Thanks!!

~time8keeper