Snow- Preface and ch. 1

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A twist on the classic tale Snow white.


Spoiler
I decided to do a twist on a classic tale and chose my favorite princess, Snow white. No plagrisim intended



Preface:
My mother died when I was a baby, so I never knew her. My Father, a dignitary, travelled across the lands, so I never saw much of him. My step mother, a witch my Father had married on one of his journeys was the only family I had ever known. She kept me locked up in my Father’s castle when he wasn’t home, only letting me venture out at night. During the day she kept me busy, with chores and with lessons my tutor set me. She said all young women were kept away until coming of age, sixteen. I am now seventeen. When I asked her if I may go to the ball I heard my ladies maid talking about when she was dressing me, my mother said I was young for my age and not to go out until I matured. I hadn’t heard from my father in several months, my mother claimed he was on a sea voyage. My mother was steadily becoming more engrossed with her ‘work’ and would lock herself in her room for days at a time. She never let anyone come into her room, except the butler who brought her meals.

Chapter I:

I stepped out of the castle, my bare feet warmed by the hot stone, which had been lying in the sun all day. My tutor followed behind me, carrying his scrolls and tripping over his long ‘teaching’ robe, which my mother insisted he wear when teaching me. I settled myself down on the stone bench in the orchard, looking up at the beautiful cherry blossoms that fell periodically to the green ground.
“Beautiful,” I whispered, looking around at the flowers, my nose feeling with the scent of the sweet buds.
“Yes, well,” my tutor said, sparing the flowers a glance. “As I was saying, Italy was originally part of the Roman--”
I blocked him out, as I often do when he begins rambling. Once he began teaching a lesson, I could leave, talk, sing, anything and he would not notice. I stood, brushing the petals from my lap, and walking to the edge of the grove, looking out at the valley below. My Father’s castle was sat on a grassy hill, covered with gardens and orchards. At the foot of the mountain (where we were now,) was the cherry blossom coppice, below it was a valley, full of wild flowers and willow trees, where I would sit after dark, in the branches, reading by the light of a candle. I hated being cooped up in the castle during the day. Today my Mother had given me a rare treat, permission to venture out of the castle during the day. It had been so long since I had seen the orchard in the day time.
Often, when I was little before my Father married my step-mother, my governesses would take me out to the plantation and we would sit, among the trees, singing the songs we made up.
“Snow,” My tutor’s high voice rang through the trees between us.
“Yes?” I answered, walking back towards him, my skirt rustling through the tall soft grass.
“What were you doing?”
I blushed, realizing the lesson must have stopped and he had looked up to find me gone.
“I- well,” I faltered, my heart beating wildly.
My last tutor would slap my hands when I wandered off, or failed to finish a lesson, or didn’t listen when he was talking. This was the first time my current tutor had caught me.
He waved his hand, waving off my stutters. “Never mind, never mind. It’s time for dinner anyway. We’ll go over the lesson after lunch.”
I followed him up to the castle opening the large oak door and walking into the entrance hall. Once upon a time, this hall had been sunny and bright, with banners of gold hanging from the walls. Now it was dark, with the pillars painted black, and the large windows covered with silver and black stripped silk curtains. I shivered, I hated this room. No, I hated the entire house. Except my room. When my step-mother had moved in, she completely re-did the whole palace. Black marble in the kitchen, black paint on all the previously sunny walls. She had tried to paint my white-washed, simple, room with midnight blue walls. My father, before leaving for a trip had put his foot down. He told her she mustn’t touch my room. Usually she ignored what my Father says and does what she wants anyway, but this time she listened. I’m not sure why. She hadn’t entered my bedroom since that day.
My tutor and I requested lunch in my room, sitting in the small alcove patio where we usually did our lessons. He explained the basis of the Roman Empire lesson while we awaited the food.
“You see…” I ignored him. I had had this lesson before, and knew it backwards and forwards. I could afford not to listen. My mind wandered, thinking about my birth mother. I dream about her a lot, because what else can I do? I’ll never see her. So dreaming is fine.
This dream began like any other, with my mother cradling me as a baby. She’s singing a song about birds coming back home in the spring, and the little squirrels in the fall. She then began singing a song about the cherry blossoms falling like rain in the orchard. Then she lay me in my cradle, kissed my forehead, then disappeared in a puff of gold smoke.
Tears pricked my eyelids, just as they always do. I dream about my mother and just when it gets to the best part, she disappears. As though some unknown force comes and takes her away from me. But that isn’t possible. Is it?
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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Hey Pointe! Hawk here to review!

Well, I love reading rewritten classic fairy tales, and this one seems quite promising! The story so far is good; I think the prologue could be cut down or modified, though. It feels very much like an infodump, which you generally want to avoid. Are there ways you can integrate the information in the paragraph into the story itself? Mention here and there something about her father being gone, her age, her stepmother, etc., throughout the story.

One other little issue I'd like to address is your dialogue punctuation; there are some words that shouldn't be capitalized, and I'd like you to take a look at this link, which does a wonderful job of explaining the intricacies of punctuating dialogue.

Otherwise, I have no nitpicks! Just keep up the interest and give us something that's going to keep us reading. So far you've done that.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Hey Pointe!
I am also writing a faerie tale retelling, but mine is Rapunzel. So this caught my attention. you made a few spelling and grammer mistakes, but I don't know how to quote so I won't bring them up. Other than that, I really liked it. I like the way you put once upon a time in there, but not as the first words. I don't get why they didn't get suspisious when her stepmom redecorated the palace, or never lets snow out, or hides her fathers locations. Snow seems too trusting of her stepmom, and her stepmom seems devious, but is that just me? Also, what changes did you make to the original story? I am going to give you homework, OK? If you go to the library or something, check out Fairest by Gail Carson Lavign. (I don't think thats how you spell her name though). It is another snow white retelling, but it's a little hard to tell unless you know, at least, it was for me, maybe i'm just slow. It's really good and maybe it could help with your Snow white retelling. Last thing, I think I've heard of a retelling for snow white called snow, but I may be mistaking. All in all, I loved it and I want to read more.
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

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I really like rewritten classics, and I enjoy reading yours!
I think the beginning ressembles 'Cinderella' though, but it's O.K.
I have only one problem apart from that it's:
It’s time for dinner anyway. We’ll go over the lesson after lunch.
I think you should try rephrasing it because you've mixed up dinner and lunch.

All in all I like!
Ooh! I almost forgot, can I steal something from you? Where you say "Dreaming is fine" it inspires me somehow...
:)
when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams




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Love it! I love the idea of rewriting a classic fairy tale. Tried that once but failed MISERABLY! :( :D
-SKEBE




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OMG!!!
I LOVE THIS, SERIOUSLY. You're such a good writer I love the idea of rewriting a classic fairytale, but I would have writen it completely different. I like the bit about the hall, and how it used to be bright and colorful but now it's just dark and black- I can really imagine how 'snow white' must be feeling! :D
I would have changed the bit when she with the tutor- Maybe you could have explained a little more about what he was teaching her and what distracted her from the lesson.

It's great! I hope you write heaps more chapters! :D
-SKEBE




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I know this like isn't even a reveiw but i think you should check out the "Once upon a time..." series it does twists on fairy tales to make them more appealing for teenagers, I think it would help if you need some inspiration.
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


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Hey Pointe!
I love the story, it's really cool the way you've re-written a very classical story, so great job on that, but i would suggest spacing the information about the story out a little and not giving such a huge chunk of information out at once, it makes it more remember able that way! again great job though!
(Also i ordered The Hunger Games from Ebay :DDD!!!)
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