Love Will Find You

Spoiler

The key line for this poem was inspired by the same line in Daughtry's What About Now. However the real inspiration for the poem is Christ and the promises he makes.

Matthew 28: 19-20:
19#FF0000 ">“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them
in the name of the Father, and of the Son
and of the Holy Spirit
20#FF0000 ">Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you;
and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
Amen.
(Words of Christ in red)

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Original Version

Spoiler

Where the desert rolls into the ocean,
And the midnight sun burns the back,
When the bombs shriek by,
their exhaust burning the air in hot song
Love will find you.

In the shadows of Hell,
Where the screams subside to Satan's breathing,
Silence fills the air as he stares at you and taunts,
You break down, tears and sweat, and the gnashing of teeth,
Love will find you.

As the blade sears through your heart and soul,
And you're caught in the wildest storm,
There comes the lifeline, there is the beacon...
In the highest sky, as you fall,
Love will catch you, Love will find you

And in the dark whirlpool where the world meets its Prince,
As you drown, keep breathing,
As you choke, keep singing,
As you fade, keep watching,
I promise friend...

Where craggy Africa, meets hissing Atlantic,
And the midnight sun burns black,
The bombs drumroll to Her Majesty's cry,
Watch.
Love will find you.

In the cold parts of Hell,
Where the screams subside to Satan's breathing,
He's smiling, it's killing you,
Run away, Fly away, break down... you'll never escape.
Love will find you.

When the sickly feeling makes you smile,
Then panic hits like the needle's stab,
You can't stand so you can't run,
You fall and bow down, your tears hits the beer stained carpet.
True, Love will save you.

The waters are powerful and they are deep,
The waters are spinning, churning and pulling you under,
And you drown in your tears:
a salty awakening much too late

As you drown, keep breathing,
As you choke, keep singing,
As you fade, keep watching,
Love will find you.

And now the world is ending,
Where I am I don't know,
When I came here I don't know,
I lost myself along the way,
But Love will find me.

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*How was the imagery?
*How did this make you feel?
*Was there anything you found metaphoric? Any metaphors you found?
*Christian or not, is that kind of promise beautiful (whether naive or over-optimistic)

*Thanks for reading*

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In this edit I changed plenty. I tried to give each verse it's own feel and I added a bit more. There are more apparent allusions (i.e the third verse) and the poem is longer. I've tried to organize it more logically (click things together) while at the same time making everything but the ocean part different from everything else.
Thanks for all the feedback.
Hope you like it,
TheNewHero

I thought it was well done, but the end may be a little hangy. Other then that I loved it though. Two thumbs up!

The last line:
I'm not sure how other readers will take this, but I think the last line is a bit too hangy. It seems to be a poem of re-assurance, and people are reassured by a predicatable outcome. For that reason I think the repitition would work.

However, if you take out the 'love with find you' from the third verse, and leave 'love will catch you,' it will break the repitition enough to keep it interesting, but without standing out as a rogue line.

Rhythm:
The rhythm is good and consistent, though just to be critical, this line could do with an edit; "their exhaust burning the air in hot song.' Trails of monosyllabic words can be hard to grasp and interupt whatever rhythm you have going because your reader has to slow down to read them.

Imagery:
I'm not overly keen on the imagery in this piece. It's all good, but I'm not entirely sure what is imagery and what isn't, it seems to blend together a little too much.

You said you got carried away with the idea that love could find you anywhere, I like that. I think you should go with it. Instead of having similar verses, make each one radically different. Give the tirany of the ocean its own verse, and dive into it a bit more (no pun intended.) This will create stronger images, and the poem will make a little more sense.

The last two verses:
I don't think they have more action than the others, they just seem to conclude the poem a little, which is naturally why they would seem a little more meaningful. First you drag your reader in, then you build them up, and then you reach your point. Also, it's good to have your own favourite verses, that's part of the fun of being a writer.

Overall:
I like it! Once again I am impressed with your work. The main point I would highlight for this is what I said about imagery. Spend a little more time clicking things together, and don't be scared of letting your ideas run away with you sometimes.

Keep up the good work!

Where the desert rolls into the ocean
and the midnight sun burns the back,
when the bombs shriek by,
their exhaust burning the air in hot song,

where the screams subside to Satan's breathing.
Silence fills the air as he stares at you and taunts.
You break down, tears and sweat, and the gnashing of teeth.

The last line here seems off. I think it needs more description - make it two lines with more description.

As the blade sears through your heart and soul
and you're caught in the wildest storm,
there comes the lifeline, there is the beacon...

Love will catch you, Love will find you.

And in the dark whirlpool,
where the world meets its Prince, I do believe that it would be better if the line was "where the world meets its King".
as you drown, keep breathing,
as you choke, keep singing, I like this line and the one after it, the words are well put together
as you fade, keep watching,
I promise friend...
Love will find you.

*Do you think the last bit was too hangy? I was actually trying to get the reader to finish the line themselves, but I'm worried there wasn't enough repetition for that to be clear. I think that, yes, the end was too hangy. I believe it would be better with "Love will find you" as the last line.
*How was the rhythm? The rythm was beautiful for the last paragraph. The rest could be a bit better, especially the 2nd paragraph.
*How was the imagery? The imagery was really great. I liked it a lot.
*My favourite stanzas are the last two because they have the most action and you can see things happening. Am I wrong, was there plenty of action throughout the whole poem or is that unecessary? The action was ok the whole poem, although it didn't draw me in and make me feel like I was quite there. I think it's the second paragraph that did that to me, take it out or re-write it.
*How did this make you feel? Warma and fuzzy, but also sort of dampened...
*Was there anything you found metaphoric? Any metaphors you found? No.
*Christian or not, is that kind of promise beautiful (whether naive or over-optimistic)

Yes, the promise is really nice. I like it

Great poem!

Keep writing,
Alzora

I really like this poem, it was different from most of the other poems you find on here.

It was really good.

The only thing that did get me was the very end. I know you said you wanted the reader to finish the line themselves - which is awesome - but a bit more to the last line could still make it better.

And in the dark whirlpool where the world meets its Prince,
As you drown, keep breathing,
As you choke, keep singing,
As you fade, keep watching,
I promise friend#FF4040 ">(here I would put something more, like - "I promise friend, love will in the end..." or something of that nature, to tie the ending a bit more to the rest of the poem.)...

To answer your questions...
The rhythm was fine.
The imagery was fantastic.
The action was perfect.
At first, this poem made me feel apprehensive - at first, I read the name of the poem "Love Will Find You", which was fine, but then to have the actual poem begin with deserts, a midnight sun burning the back, and bombs shrieking by... well, you can imagine how that shocked me just a little. =D But it was really really cool how the line "Love will find you" just made me smile. It really did!
Hmm... the whole poem felt like it could go both ways with the metaphor question. At first, it reads bluntly, but when I read it again, the whole poem reads like a metaphor for life and love, and how God will always be there.
The promise is most certainly of the most beautiful kind =)

If you have any questions, just ask. =)

-Mazey

Thanks for all the feedback.

I'm going to edit this, paying attention to making everything stand out. I'll modify the end I hope I'll make it really cool. And I'll see how to make it, generally, satisfyingly awesome.

God Bless,
TheNewHero.

Ahh... it's good to be reviewing again. Sarreh if this took so long.

First is poem structure:
My #FF0080 ">suggestions will be in #FF0080 ">pink.

Where craggy Africa, #FF0080 "><I don't think you need a comma here. It just stops the flow of the phrase. I think it should be one straight line.>meets hissing Atlantic,
And the midnight sun burns black,
The bombs drumroll to Her Majesty's cry,
Watch.
Love will find you....

And now the world is ending#FF0080 ">...
Where I am I don't know,
When I came here I don't know,
I lost myself along the way,
But Love will find me.

Yeah. That's it.

I'm on with the poem itself. I'll comments by stanzas:

1 This was okay. I think that the first stanza was the best. It really was nice. It pulls the reader into reading more. I liked the imagery, the paradoxical line. I like the pause for the imperative line: "watch." It was nice. =)

2 This is what I'm not so sure of. Um -- why are we talking about Hell here?Is it literal Hell? If not, does Hell stand out for "world" -- this world full of pain we're living in? *shrugs* I'm not so sure. That's what I think of it. But if it's literal Hell, well take note: Love in Hell? I mean, 'cmon. God is love, yeah. But when a person rejects salvation and goes to Hell, do you think love will still find him? Sounds cruel, eh? But nope. Let's not forget not to make conflicts with God's characteristics. In this case, don't forget that God also just? -- And that's the reason why I think this isn't the literal Hell. Am I making sense? O_o Sarreh if I'm not.

3 Here, I don't understand the first line. Its thought is opposing in an in-comprehensive way -- for me; because the next line affects it much. But anyway, the next line is nice.

4 Nice one, have no comment.

5 Oh my, I love this. I like the word pairs: drown, breathe; choke, sing; and fade, watch. Nice.

6 I'm not so fond of the ending. I feel like it was a bit left hanging. Like, I wasn't satisfied with just the plain, "...but love will find me." Maybe I was looking for the speaker's assurance, I think -- with what he was saying.

*How was the imagery?
*How did this make you feel?
*Was there anything you found metaphoric? Any metaphors you found?
*Christian or not, is that kind of promise beautiful (whether naive or over-optimistic)

The imagery was nice. It had a neutral atmosphere...for me. And the promise was okay. It speaks of hope...for me.

GAh...I think I lose my ability to review well. HAha... kidding. Aww...thanks for the good read, dude. I won't babble anymore, for I'm dead tired. God bless! and KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash ♥