Vision-- Chapter Two: News

So. The first chapter was in General fic merely because it didn't have any out of the ordinary. Now, though, it's taken a turn for the fantastic Very rough, so do with it as you like.

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Chapter Two: News

Almost every afternoon, after our outings to the market, Rohese and Crispin would visit me. On cold, wintry days we'd stay inside, warming up the fire Jocosa had set, but usually it was warm and we'd sit outside in our makeshift garden-- it was mostly dirt and dying plants-- and chat. Jocosa was becoming more and more of a recluse and no matter how much I begged her join in our meetings, she would always politely decline. It was lovely life, minus the blindness, for awhile. But then, when I was just seventeen, my life crumbled around me.
It was a pretty summer day, the sun bright like always in the late afternoon and a small breeze circulated through the village, causing my blond hair to tickle the sides of my cheeks. I had laid out a silky-feeling cloth on the ground and was waiting for Rohese and Crispin to come out, laughing and joking.
I heard their steps through our small cottage and I knew right away something was wrong just by the way they walked. Unlike their usually anxious steps, they were slower and softer now. They were in sync, I noticed, as they came closer. I heard them step out onto the dirt of our small yard. Crunch over to me. They sat down close together. Too close.
I forced a smile, even though I sensed something secretive. "I'm so glad you're here, Rohese and Crispin!" I cried, trying to sound enthusiastic.
"Yes, sweet Cecily," Rohese whispered softly, just a touch louder than the current breeze. I sensed my friend look over at Crispin just by how a gust of air touched my face.
"Cecily..." Crispin laid his hand on mine which rested on the cloth. "Rohese and I have something important to tell you."
I didn't respond. Crispin took that as an indication that he could go on. "Rohese and I are going to be married."
I don't think I quite registered what my long-time friend had just said. I was still for a moment, in my private darkness. And then everything came tumbling on me. Happiness missed me by far, and then anger came rolling down like a giant boulder. It squashed me and then went on its way. Next came the jealousy, the feeling of betrayal. It fell on me like small pebbles until it piled up around me, leaving me defenseless and unable to escape.
I found Rohese and Crispin's announcement just awful. I felt betrayed, jealous, furious. Deep down, though I'd never admitted to anyone else but myself, I'd always loved Crispin who'd been kind and never judged me. I'd always thought maybe Rohese had guessed at the fact, but obviously, she hadn't. There was my feeling of betrayal.
Jealousy. Rohese was a beautiful girl-- she'd described herself when I'd asked in our first days as friends-- wit her long, long light brown hair and her grey eyes. She was slight and willowy from all her hard work in the fields and little food the manor offered us peasants. Of course Rohese would get the desirable man in the village, though she'd only encountered him through me. I was destined to a lonely life with no husband, and I'd been careless to think that me, of all people, would end up with the handsome and kind-hearted Crispin. I scolded myself for ever thinking that I would be married.
"How...lovely," I said quietly, not at all sounding happy for my friends.
"Cecily..." Rohese said softly, sadly. She knew me too well to know when I was upset.
"Don't," I said, standing up, wobbling slightly. I felt Crispin move his arm up to steady me, but I slapped it away. I felt my face heat up in anger, and no doubt it was beat red.
I stumbled away, my fury bursting at the seams. I imagined my friends watching me walk blindly into my small shack of a house. I fell through the open doorway, tripping over my own feet. I felt myself go down and heard steps running forward to help me. Embarrassed, I ducked to avoid the grabbing hands. Finally, though, I gave up and let the arms bring me to my feet. I almost screamed.
There was a man. And I could see him.

Great job, I enjoyed reading that. Only spelling error I saw was "wit" in the sixth to last paragraph should be "with" I believe.
One other thing is at the very end when Cecily was caught by arms, orraised to her feet, or what ever was hapening there, I feel that the last line is a bit too obscure

There was a man. I could see him.

while i love what you're trying to do by not giving the reader enough information, but I feel that the extent that the information is missing makes the very last bit of the scene obscure. Maybe if you made what's happening before she sees the man clear, then the reader will follow what you're trying to do. For instance, I don't know who the arms that were trying to help her belonged to, so I can't visually imagine the scene. I don't think I'm saying what I'm trying to say clearly. What I'm trying to say is that the ending needs to be polished so that the reader's imagination can draw where the man that she's seeing might appear. Anyways, I still don't feel that I'm being very clear, but that's as good as I can do.
Off of that subject, there's one more thing a bit easier to asess, then I'm done. When Cecily find out that Crispin and Rohese are getting married, I think the scene would benefit from less description on her feelings and more "showing" her feelings through words or actions, but also, with the describing her feelings, I felt that it would be easier to understand how Cecily is feeling if you describe how she was jelous and felt she'd never get married, maybe even leave to the reader to draw the conclusion that she was in love with Crispin. Just a thought. If you were going to take one of these suggestions though, I say it's most important for you to simply switch the order of her feelings of betrayal and jelousy, and leaving the fact that was in love with "handsome and kind-hearted Crispin" until the end of that section.
That's all I have for suggestion on improvement.
Really though, this chapter was quite interesting, though I feel as if it should be called a scene simply because of its length. Not to say it's too short, or that you should change the title to "scene 2." I liked how well you were able to keep my interest without a whole lot of direct involvment from the characters, but again, it will help bring the scene to life if rather than "tell" how she's feeling, you "show"
Good job, I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!

Hey Lavi,

I found this rather enjoyable, but the blindeness came as a shock to me. You describe everything visually, and after skimming chapter 1 I found your explaining of why everything is described visually a bit lazy. I've read stories where the first-person narrator was blind, and you actually didn't get a single visual description. Yet, you could still picture the story well. Really twist your brain to see how a blind person would "see" things, and don't rely on visual descriptions to have us understand her world.

The emotions, while rather nicely described, seemed a bit out of place. We haven't gotten a ton of description behind the three's relationship, which makes the crushing announcement just a bit less crushing and understandable. Because we haven't seen that much of their interaction, and showing these interactions is very important if you want to pull the rug out for a character's feet like that, the announcement doesn't have as much power as it could. Since this chapter is short, I'd suggest lengthening it to show their interactions a lot more.

Your twist at the end wasn't much of a twist, because I read your synopsis. It makes the cliffhanger a bit counterproductive, because it does not leave us hanging. Since you use cliffhangers to leave us hanging, and keep us reading, you might want to give us more reason to read the rest of the story. This can be rather easily done by strengthening the love triangle conflict you introduce earlier in the chapter, to throw in an extra layer that's not said in the synopsis.

Overall, well written but could use some polishing.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Well, here I am again for chapter two. Sorry about the wait.

Now, this chapter was short, just like the first one. I would consider perhaps increasing the length of the chapters a bit more, so that the reader has more to work with in between.

I do like the prospect of a story told by a blind person, but I feel the way you describe things could be better. You still seem to rely heavily on visual description, and this is just one example I found:

It was a pretty summer day, the sun bright like always in the late afternoon and a small breeze circulated through the village, causing my blond hair to tickle the sides of my cheeks.

Look through this sentence and count all the times there is a word that implies visual description: "pretty," "bright," "blond..." if you want the reader to believe that Cecily is in fact blind, then you really will want to stay away from these kinds of words, both here and throughout the story. Look through the entire piece and see if you can find any other adjectives that would fit in the visual category.

My second critique would be that I think it is still much too early to introduce the wedding scene. You say that Cecily is angry, sad, and jealous, but I, as a reader, can hardly feel any sympathy. This is because the relationship between Crispin, Rohese, and Cecily has not been thoroughly described yet. I had no idea that Cecily loved Crispin so much, and so it is difficult for me to understand Cecily's sudden burst of emotion. And you mention that Rohese "knew [Cecily] too well to know when [she] was upset." Again, the relationship between the MC and Rohese lacks much depth from the reader's point of view. When you try to fit all this emotion into two tight little chapters, you have to resort to an unproportional amount of telling, and not so much showing. The reader feels slightly alienated, because they don't quite understand exactly why the characters feel the way they do.

Finally, the grammar is a bit scratchy in some places. I would give the piece a thorough read-through and fix up any mistakes you find. I won't point out any in particular, but I would suggest doing this yourself.

Overall, there is some work that needs to be done, but, again, I enjoyed reading this. I really am looking forward to reading more!

-Kafka