The Enemy Chapter 3

*Author's Note* This has been edited 1/22/11





The night is young. The child’s parents are discussing therapy again. As if therapy will rid Coren of my presence! Ha! Adults are supposed to be bright, and commanding things! In reality, though, adults are such naïve, and sniveling creatures. It is simply revolting, the lack of intelligence.
Coren is so easy to manipulate, mostly due to our young age. It disgusts me to include myself in talk of Coren. He is a simpleton. However, I am not at liberty to choose whom I am born with. I have dealt with worse in past lives.
Coren has an issue with emotions. They are too strong for his own good. Tonight they will get in the way more than ever, but of course I have a trick up my sleeve. I am brimming with tricks, you know.
Although therapy will not destroy me, it will weaken me, especially with the level of Coren’s determination. His determination must be smothered very soon, I remind myself. It is necessary to have an obedient host. I will not put up with mutiny. Therapy will only empower the boy. Thus, his parents simply must go. I would say it pains me a great deal to dispose of them, but that would be a lie, though I have never really had much of an issue with lying. I lie to Coren practically every moment and I feel no remorse. Coren and I are so different in that aspect, I have little to no emotions while he is overflowing with the useless feelings. Coren lets himself be controlled by those parents of his out of his pathetic “love” for them. Imbecile! I, and only I, must be the true conductor of Coren’s actions. I will not allow him to have outside forces pressuring him, even if he wants them there. Why should I care about the wants of a half-wit? I do not care. Not at all.
Never before have I encountered a boy so inclined to good morals as Coren is. My Coren is such a delicate flower. Have you ever discovered a flower that did not wilt? Of course you have not. That is precisely my point. When the flower is destroyed, I will go down with it. Therefore, it is my sole purpose to help that flower bloom to its full potential and grow thorns larger than its enticingly harmless petals. Coren must grow thorns that destroy, but also protect. This is the task at hand.
Then when I have fulfilled that purpose, I move on. Simple as that.
I do believe I am straying from my main topic, though. Coren’s parents simply must die. Coren bit that obnoxious Jared child today, which gives his parent’s a perfect excuse to “talk to him.” Of course they will really be yelling at him and threatening him with military school but they always like to call it “talking.” I shall never understand the adult way of thinking. They are Coren’s parents and yet they know nothing about the child. I am the one who comforts and nurtures him, I am the one who holds him together! They do nothing but hold him back. For that, they will die.
I do believe it sounds as if I have some sort of “soft spot” for Coren, however, this is not the case. I am here to do a job. I am not permitted to fail in this task. I care little of what happens to Coren, but I care very much of what happens to me, therefore, I must make sure Coren turns out as I wish him to. I am not too worried though; I have much experience with children Coren’s age, and I have had many successes in the past. Coren is a challenge, but nothing I cannot handle.
This discussion brings us right back to my final decision. The parental units must die. I fear I have been veering off track again, for which I do apologize gravely for, but this, you know, is my nature. I am distracted by nature, something I have communicated very well to Coren. All his ADD, and ADHD medications make him so much easier to manipulate. Life is so very uncomplicated at some precious moments. Yet at other moments it is so challenging, for example: right now is really a quite difficult moment. I am going to have to figure out some way to make Coren do my bidding, without knowing he is doing it. I can force him to do things, but that will only make things messy, and there is nothing I enjoy less than untidiness. No, this must be quick and unpredictable. It must happen fast and painlessly, in a figure of speech. Of course pain will be involved, but there would be more pain if I had to cope with Coren opposing my orders. He is such a tiresome child at times. The only time he is relatively easy to manage is when his mind is at rest in the land of Nod.
Ah ha! I have found the child’s weakness! The secret to my success tonight is so simple! How often the most complicated of questions have an answer of just one word! I am not foolish enough to uphold my ego rather than admit to my mistake of over-thinking my schemes. I admit, I am quite a simpleton at this moment. How could I overlook such an obvious answer? My age must be interfering with my usually unconquerable thoughts. I suppose I should tell my delightful audience the answer to my riddle. Very well, the answer, dear audience, is sleep. Yes, sleep. I said myself Coren is at his most manageable state while he is drifting in the land of dreams, so why shouldn’t I interfere with his sleeping pattern, put his brain to sleep and control his body? I am as much a part of this body as he is. I deserve this control.
I’ll do what needs to be done. Coren’s parents are dead.

Hey,
I love the way you use description in this chapter. I have not read chapter one and two yet, but I will after this because I liked it so much. There were some spots that got a little telly; for example, when youwrite that the main character is emotionless and the little boy he controls is so emotional. Give us an example,and really you already have for the main character. just the face that he wants to kill the boys parents just shows that he has no soul or emotion. Your grammar is very good, but there were a few places were a comma should have been; I think if you re-read it you'll find them, but if you can't just ask. I'll be glad to show it to you.
Keep up the good work,
Tiffany

Hey, Tiffany!

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you! This chapter is due for an editing as well as the two before it. Actually, the whole story needs some fixing up! I've been neglecting this poor story But really glad you liked it anyway!

Thanks!
~time8keeper

Here again.

Okay, so in all actuality, this is pretty good. There's really only two things I've found to critique.

One is, as Rascalover said, that this can get a bit telly. It's not entirely bad in the way that you've used it, but the Enemy seems like the kind of thing that would be constantly putting out as much as possible to prove things, like how different he and Coren are. You don't have to overdo anything, but I think giving an example or two of how Coren acts and how the enemy would have acted otherwise, or even just Coren doing/saying something and the Enemy commenting on it would really help us to get to know Coren, because right now he seems so horrible almost, like we're supposed to hate him, but also very sympathetic. Good job with his development, but we need good, workable examples on how he acts and thinks, and they don't all have to be right here. But a couple would really make this even more believable than it is. (Sorry, I'm babbling. I tend to do that in reviews. If this makes no sense, tell me and I'll try to explain it better.)

My other thing is, who exactly is the Enemy talking to? Because we know he's talking to someone, both by just the way he says things and emphasizes things and makes sure we understands things... and also because he says he should inform his delightful audience. This, I think, could be considered breaking the fourth wall, or directly addressing the audience, though I'm not entirely sure if it qualifies. Anyway, I like the way you've done it, but I'm assuming the Enemy isn't writing a book with a specific audience, namely us, so who is his audience? Who's he telling this to? Is he communicating with anyone? Because this reads like a letter, not like internal thoughts. And don't get me wrong, the way you do this is really good, but why is it like this?

My final thought isn't a critique, but a praise. Coren and the Enemy's voices are both different and distinct, so for that I applaud you. I know from experience as a writer that making two characters with different voices, different ways of speaking and narrating, can be really challenging, but the way you do it here makes it seem effortless (whether it was for you or not). And you always want things to appear effortless, because it creates the illusion that it's all real and didn't take hours upon hours of work and preparation; we want it to believe it happened, or could happen. Anyway, enough of my babbling, what I'm trying to say is, good job.

If you have any questions or would like another review (though I will get to your other chapters in the next few days) PM me.

loveness, ultraviolet <3